Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/Clinton

What Barbara Walters didn't tell us is that Monica's favorite sporting event is the
Ididarod, and her favorite pet is a cockatoo. Or three.

Who knew that the little band around cigars was a depth finder?

Clinton will never resign. He plans to stick it out in the Oval Office.

Q. What did Monica major in in college?

A. Woodworking.

Dear Mr. President:

I am a 13 year old boy and I totally support you. My mom and dad are always
picking
on me for lying. Since you have taught me it's okay to lie as long as you say
you're
sorry, I have become quite good at it, and can get away with it more than I ever
thought I could. When I get caught, just say I'm sorry. But my teacher bugs me
and
brings up George Washington. I'm so glad he's not our leader. He's not cool like
you.
Also, my girlfriend says she wants to be a virgin when she gets married. I told her
that doing what Monica did isn't sex and is OK - even the President says so. Now
I'm
getting oral sex from her all the time. Your theory even makes sense to her little
sister. I told her like you said. That this is private nobody's business, and told of
what
happened to you when Monica told. I wish all those evil mean people would stop
criticizing you so much. They don't understand all you've done for us children.
You
have made our lives a real joy. Like the other day when me and my buds were
smoking pot and got caught, all we had to say is we didn't inhale, and our
principal,
who lucky for us, voted for you, let us go. I thought you would like to know that
you
sure taught us how to have fun, Mr. President! After hearing about what you and
Monica did, me and my 3 older friends talked six girls into your idea that they
were
not having sex by doing what Monica did to you. Then we each took a turn on
the
phone talking to their father. Man, you would have been proud of us. Please
never
resign Mr. President. We have never had such a cool role model in our lives
before.
Tell Chelsea she is lucky to have an understanding dad and mom. I wonder how
often
she doesn't have sex. Maybe she can be an intern for the next president. I am sure
you would give your blessing.

As expected, even more bumper stickers:

"Does character matter YET?"

"Commander in Heat"

"Legalize Perjury"

"Our Fondling Father"

Now that President Bill Clinton has been acquitted, he has resolved not to rest
until
he finds the real perpetrator.

New bumper stickers:

"Honk If You Slept With Bill Clinton."

and "Honk If You Didn't Sleep With Bill Clinton."

So now NBC is changing the name of its Sunday morning news show to "Meet
The
Dress."

From Jerusalem, Israel:

Monica Lewinsky’s friend was explaining how she cleared up her husband’s
dandruff
problem by giving him Head and Shoulders. Monica looked up suddenly and
innocently asked, “How do you give someone shoulders?”

Bill and Hillary were at a fund raising event. A ventriloquist was part of the
evening's
entertainment. He did a twenty-minute bit, consisting mostly of "Hillbilly" jokes.
When he was finished Bill stood up and said that he was sick and tired of the
whole
country bashing "Hillbillies." He said that he is from the south and that he is one
of
the smartest men in the world.

The ventriloquist then started to apologize for his act, saying that he did not
mean to
offend the president.

Bill interrupted him and said, "I am not talking to you, I am talking to that little
jerk
sitting on your lap!"

Q. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and government bonds?

A. Government bonds will mature someday.

Q. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a scuba diver's wet suit?

A. The wet suit's hard to get off.

Greetings,

I understand that you have a Clinton/Star Wars spoof poster on this site
somewhere
but cannot find it. Would you mind sending me the url?

Thank you.

Best Regards,

Christopher S.

Priority: Normal
Date sent: Tue, 19 Jan 1999 10:47:00 -0800
From: Lynn_Loeb@warnerbros.com
Subject: Unauthorized use of copyrighted designs
To: webmaster@clintonjokes.com

Lynn S. Loeb
Intellectual Property Counsel
Warner Bros.
4000 Warner Boulevard
Burbank, California 91522
(818) 954-6000

January 19, 1999

VIA ELECTRONIC MAIL

Webmaster@clintonjokes.com

Re: UNAUTHORIZED USE OF MAD MAGAZINE PROPERTY
Our reference number TCN:99-32

Dear Sir or Madam::

I am writing to you on behalf of our related company, E.C. Publications, Inc., the
owner of all rights including copyrights, trademarks, and other intellectual
property
rights in and to the world famous MAD MAGAZINE, (hereinafter referred to as
the
"MAD Copyrighted Designs"). Because of our rights, no one is authorized to
reproduce, transmit, copy, or otherwise utilize the MAD Copyrighted Designs
without the express written permission of E.C. Publications.

E.C. Publications recently learned that your web site located at
"http://www.clintonjokes.com" contains an unauthorized copy of the artwork of
MAD
MAGAZINE "Starr Wars", and that it is being used in conjunction with
commercial
advertising. E.C. Publications has a legal responsibility to prevent the
unauthorized
commercial distribution of its proprietary material. Therefore, we must request
that
you remove all material relating to the MAD Copyrighted Designs from your
web
site as soon as possible.

Please confirm in writing, at the above referenced address, that the subject
material
has been removed from the site. We appreciate your cooperation in this matter.

This letter is not a complete statement of E.C. Publications' rights in connection
with
this matter, and nothing contained herein constitutes an express or implied
waiver of
any rights, remedies or defenses of E.C. Publications, all of which are expressly
reserved.

Very truly yours,

/s/

Lynn S. Loeb

(I can't believe that I'm apologizing to MAD Magazine. -Jokemaster.)

Date sent: Thu, 11 Feb 1999 18:57:55 -0800
From: Donna Walker
To: Lynn S. Loeb, Lynn_Loeb@warnerbros.com
To: Webmaster@ClintonJokes.com, webmaster@clintonjokes.com
Subject: Comments from a Warner Bros. consumer

Dear Ms. Loeb,

As regards the www.clintonjokes.com website, how petty, asking a one-man
website
to remove a couple of MAD magazine references. Warner Bros. could have
requested a more constructive resolution, such as link back to the Warner Bros.
and/or MAD related sites. Possibly the "Good 'Ol Boys" in your firm just don't
understand how to handle things tactfully, or to the benefit of all parties
involved...
Warner Bros., www.clintonjokes.com, and "netizens" like myself.

And to think I spent a small fortune in a Warner Bros. store at Christmas time
buying all those clothes for my children, nieces and nephews. Good thing Disney
is
just a few store-fronts away.

Regards,

Donna Walker
former Warner Bros. consumer

We interrupt this "humorous" web site for an important announcement from our
Boss, sans parentheses (ask your teacher):

Be careful what you send me, boys and girls... if YOU didn't create the artwork,
kindly identify the source from which you swiped it, so I can warn our attorneys
in
advance. As if this site doesn't load slowly enough...

Just wait until a reader submits a Bill McClinton hamburger clown picture for
me to
post... that's when you'll see REAL sparks fly.

This site's getting waaaaaay too serious. -Jokemaster.

We now return you to your regular "humorous" web site.

Thank you for your attention.

"Jokemaster:

Screw MAD MAGAZINE. Who reads it anyway, they are just jealous your site
gets
more attention then they do, seems like they could use the plug."

"send a copy of mad mazine to me at amoody8723@aol.com"

(I'm considering requiring a minimum IQ to access this site. -Jokemaster.)

From Bonita, California to Warner Bros., cc: ClintonJokes.com:

"You Hollywood liberals really hate it when someone makes fun of the most
immoral,
philandering, lying, womanizing,anti-women and values cheating SOB we've
ever had
in the white - no, now gray - house. So, Clinton Jokes can't use the Mad cover.
Get a
damn life. I sure like what Shakespeare said to do to all the lawyers...."

"i just found your website from a co-worker and i love it! my opinion of mad mag
is:
bigger than their britches. sounds like 10 pounds of monkey crap in a 5 pound
bag to
me! ( i can't believe i'm apologizing to vince mcmahon and the wwf )! sorry,
jokemaster.

"signed with love,
bob snook
re: rsnookjr@hotmail.com

"p.s. yes, i hate to type! that's why my punctuation sucks (just like monica! )."

"Dear Mad Magazine:

"As a former Liberal, I would have probably resented your very politically
incorrect
use of "Dear Sir or Madam." I find that highly insensitive of our diverse culture.
The
new, correct usage is "he, she, he/she, she/he, or it." Considering the high
percentage of homosexuals and other "non-traditionals" represented in your staff,
and yea, owner also, of MAD magazine, I would think you Noo Yawkers would
know
better.

"ted n., san antonio, texas.

"P.S. you probably voted for clinton hoping to get some time on the carpet."

(Didn't we all? -Jokemaster.)

Bill & Hillary had a big dinner party at the White House. All their supporters
were in
attendance. During dinner, Larry Flynt excused himself and rolled his wheelchair
into
the bathroom. After a couple of minutes he returned, looking happy and really
enjoying the party.

The next day, while discussing strategy with Hillary, he told her how happy he
was to
help them, and how he was particularly impressed by the way they had honored
him
at the party.

Surprised, Hillary asked, "What do you mean?"

Mr. Flynt responded, "Did you know Bill had a solid-gold handicapped bedpan in
the
bathroom for me?"

Hillary asked Mr. Flynt to hold the line and shouted down to the Oval Office,
"Bill! I
found out who soiled in your Saxophone!"

(I can't believe that I'm apologizing to Larry Flynt. -Jokemaster.)

"Billigan's Island," Sung to the tune of "Gilligan's Island"

Oh sit right back and you'll hear a tale
A tale of a fateful trip
That started in Hope, Arkansas
'Tween Jennifer Flowers' hips.

Her date was the mighty governor,
Bill Clinton was his name.
One night he met young Paula Jones
And on to her he came.
And on to her he came.

Whitewater started getting rough.
His mighty thing was lost.
If not for the help of the Highway Patrol,
He couldn't get it off,
He couldn't get it off.

Willie left town and settled
in this gorgeous new White House
With Hillary...
that damn cat too...
The Vice President and his wife...
Kenneth Starr...
and a bed...
Here at Slick Willie's Place!

So this is the tale of our President,
He shows nothing now but class.
Nothing can distract him
Except a piece of ass.
Except a piece of ass.

The First Lady and Tipper too
Will do their very best
To see that Willie's comfortable
In his government love nest.
In his government love nest.

He moves, he strikes, he reels them in,
He feels the passion burn.
Before she knows just what is up,
He's banged the new intern.
He's banged the new intern.

So join us here in court my friend,
I'm sure you will be pleased.
Just give your deposition now
And get down on your knees.

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