Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/Buisness

-= office and work humor =-= 69 =---------------------------------------------

Qualification Test

Your man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in
Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the
same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon
completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager
went to Murphy and said.
Manager: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American
the job"
Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct.
This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"
Manager: "We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the
question you missed."
Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question #5, "I don't know.", You
put down "Neither do I." :^)

-= office and work humor =-= 70 =---------------------------------------------

Those That Become Managers

The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who
don't know. Those who know, they're no problem. Those who don't know are also
in two groups. One is those who don't know, and know they don't know. Well,
they can learn! But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they
don't know. And they become unit managers!

-= office and work humor =-= 71 =---------------------------------------------

Buzzwords For Managers

Column I Column II Column III
--------------------- --------------------- --------------------
0. integrated 0. management 0. options
1. heuristic 1. organizational 1. flexibility
2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
5. responsive 5. logistical 5. scenarios
6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
9. futuristic 9. policy 9. contingency

The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number; then select the
corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces
"systematized logistical projection", a phrase that can be dropped into
virtually any report with that ring of decisive knowledgeable authority. No one
will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about, but the important
thing is that they will not admit it.

-= office and work humor =-= 72 =---------------------------------------------

(Not that we never write anything like this, but this extract comes from "Well
Informed", the SBD-E (Rank Xerox) Newsletter:)

From a recent monthly report:

Whilst acknowledging that ascertaining the requirements for an improved system
has been a lengthy and at times frustrating exercise, particularly to those on
the sidelines, the investigation phase of this task is now almost complete and
the draft versions of requirements for, and appraisals of, certain proposals
will be completed by the end of the first week in Feb.

-= office and work humor =-= 73 =---------------------------------------------

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to
listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl laughed
uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense
of humor?" "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday."

-= office and work humor =-= 74 =---------------------------------------------

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late
for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do
something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him
to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in
the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked !"
"That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday?"

-= office and work humor =-= 75 =---------------------------------------------

Who To Lay Off?

Jack and Jill are both vice-presidents of the same company. One Friday, the
president and CEO of the company calls them both into his office. "The company
is going through some rough times right now", the president began. "We're
having to cut costs where we can, and, as much as it I hate to do this, the
company cannot afford two vice-presidents, so I will have to let one of you go.
You are both equally qualified and do your jobs well so I can't find any
criteria on which to base this decision. What I will do is lay off the first
one of you to leave your desk on Monday."
Monday morning, the boss is there early, looking out his inter-office window
waiting for his two vice presidents. Jack arrives almost 10 minutes early,
flips through his rolodex and starts to make some phone calls. Jill had been
out partying the night before, so she arrives right at 8, sits at her desk, and
starts reading some documents and making notes. The two work for a couple of
hours, but Jill is kind of hung over, so she gets up from her desk, goes to the
water cooler and takes some aspirin.
The boss sees this, and goes to the water cooler to talk to Jill. "Jill," he
says, "You left your desk."
"Yeah, so?" Jill replies.
"Don't you remember the meeting on Friday?" the boss says. "We need to cut
costs and I either have to lay you or Jack off."
"So jack off," says Jill, "I've got a headache."

-= office and work humor =-= 76 =---------------------------------------------

Innovators & Copiers
And this was being passed around at Xerox:

I received a flyer yesterday advertising a workshop on INNOVATIVE management,
qualifying itself with the following quote from someone who clearly knows
something about technology I don't:

"It is a tragedy in our society that we have so few innovators, and so many
copiers."

-= office and work humor =-= 77 =---------------------------------------------

Not Funny, But Strange

The Centers for Disease Control reported that the leading cause of on-the-job
death for female workers is not accidents but murder - at a rate of 3 1/2 times
that for male workers.

-= office and work humor =-= 78 =---------------------------------------------

Japanese Management Lecture

Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one
American, were on their way to an international business conference when they
were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.
"You, your companies, and you countries are enemies of the Revolution,"
screamed the terrorist leader, "and you're going to be executed! Do you have
any last requests?"
The Englishman spoke first.
"Before I die, I want to honor my country and protest this barbaric act by
singing "God Save The Queen" to all you men."
"That can be arranged," said the terrorist.
The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor MY country before I die by singing
"The Marseilles" to your men."
The Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor MY country by giving the
lecture I was going to present on the Mapanese style of industrial management."
The terrorist turned finally to the American.
"What is YOUR last request?"
The American replied, "I want you to kill me right now so I don't have to
listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management!"

-= office and work humor =-= 79 =---------------------------------------------

Memorandum

To: All Employees

Since productivity has not increased since the implementation of the 7-day work
week, the stoppage of all company health and retirement plans, the 20% pay cut,
the 10-year pay freeze, the installation of video cameras in company restrooms,
the hiring of the corporate truant officers to check up on all employees calling
in sick, and the random drug and dirty underwear screenings, management has
decided that the beatings and mandatory self-flagellations will continue until
morale improves.

-= office and work humor =-= 80 =---------------------------------------------

Retirement Gift

When Willie retired from the railway after 50 years' service, the company
presented him with an old coach to keep in his garden as a memento.
One wet day, his friends found him sitting on the step of the coach, smoking
his pipe with an old sack over his shoulders to keep out the rain.
"Hullo, Willie," said his pals, "why are ye no' inside on a day like this?"
"Can ye no' see," replied Willie, with a nod toward the coach. "They sent me
a non-smoker!"

-= office and work humor =-= 81 =---------------------------------------------

Retirement Policy #1

To: All personnel

From: Corporate Headquarters

Subj: New Retirement Plan

As part of our corporate-wide cost reduction efforts, we are going to reduce our
number of personnel by means of a new retirement plan. Managers are being
mailed a package containing all of the details; the highlights are presented
here.

Under the Plan, older employees will go on Early Retirement, thus permitting us
to retain the younger people who represent our future.

The program, which will be placed into effect immediately, will phase out all
the older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year. The program shall be
known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early)

Employees who are being RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek other jobs
within the company, provided that while they are being RAPEd, they request a
review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This
phase of the Plan is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early
Workers).

All employees who are being RAPEd and SCREWed are eligible for a trial review by
higher management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority
Following Termination.)

The provisions of the Plan dictate that employees may be RAPEd once and SCREWed
twice, but may get the SHAFT as many times as the company deems
appropriate.

Employees fulfilling the above requirements of the Plan are entitled to get
HERPES (Half Earnings of Retired Persons Employment Service). HERPES is
considered a bonus plan, since employees who have HERPES will no longer be RAPEd
or SCREWed by the company.

It is now, and always has been, the policy of the company to assure that
employees are well-trained. To accomplish this, a new program called SHIT
(Special High Intensity Training) will be put into effect. With this program, we
will now be able to give our employees more SHIT than any other company.

If an employee feels that he or she is not getting enough SHIT on the job, or
that he or she could advance to another position by taking more SHIT, please see
your manager.

Our management people are specially trained to see to it that you will get all
the SHIT you can stand.

-= office and work humor =-= 82 =---------------------------------------------

Retirement Policy #2

Memorandum

To: All Personnel
Subj: New Retirement Policy

As a result of the reduction in money budgeting for division purposes, we are
working to cut down our number of personnel.

Under the plan, older employees will go on early retirement, thus permitting the
retention of younger people who represent our future plans.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current
fiscal year via early retirement will be placed into effect immediately. The
program shall be known as RAPE (Retired Aged Personnel - Early).

Employees who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek other jobs within
the corporation, provided that while they are being RAPEd, they request a review
of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of
the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may also apply for a trial review,
called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Program policy dictates employees may be RAPED once and SCREWED twice, but may
get the SHAFT as many times as the company deems appropriate.

The Management

-= office and work humor =-= 83 =---------------------------------------------

Keywords: Bureaucracy

Memorandum

From: Headquarters - New York
To: General Managers

Next Thursday at 10:30, Halley's Comet will appear over this area. This is an
event which occurs only once every 75 years. Notify all directors and have them
arrange for all employees to assemble on the Company lawn and inform them of the
occurrence of this phenomenon. If it rains, cancel the day's observation and
assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the comet.

Memorandum

From: General Manager
To: Managers

By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10:30, Halley's Comet
will appear over the Company lawn. If it rains, cancel the day's work and
report to the auditorium with all employees where we will show films: a
phenomenal event which occurs every 75 years.

Memorandum

From: Manager
To: All Department Chiefs

By order of the phenomenal Vice President, at 10:30 next Thursday, Halley's
Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the Company lawn, the
Executive Vice President will give another order, something which occurs only
every 75 years.

Memorandum

From: Department Chief
To: Section Chiefs

Next Thursday at 10:30, the Executive Vice President will appear in the
auditorium with Halley's Comet, something which occurs every 75 years. If it
rains, the Executive Vice President will cancel the comet and order us all out
to our phenomenal Company lawn.

Memorandum

From: Section Chief
To: All EA's

When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the Company lawn, the phenomenal 75
year old Executive Vice President will cancel all work and appear before all
employees in the auditorium accompanied by Bill Halley and his Comets.

-= office and work humor =-= 84 =---------------------------------------------

Commuting for the beginner.

In this hurly-burly world of Inter-City travel, there are few things that
warm a worker's heart more than the prospect of commuting. It is a safe bet to
place that at some time during your working lives, you will all have to commute
(in fact, the mathematicians amongst you will have been doing this already for
some time).
Commuting in its very simplest essence is a journey from home to work, and
back again. This simple description, however, does not convey the full joy that
can be had from commuting. A typical enjoyable commuting day (and it can take a
whole day just to commute) may begin as follows:

6.30am Wake up. Actually, this is totally wrong, because at that time, you're
not capable of waking up. What a pity somebody didn't tell your alarm clock
this! All that you are physically capable of doing is hitting the snooze button.

7.05am This is the time when you typically find that it wasn't the snooze
button that you hit, but that tiny little switch that turns the alarm mechanism
off. Well, I say this is the time that you find it, but in fact it's just the
time that your alarm clock tells you. What you find out when you switch the
radio on, is that there was a power cut for half an hour, and the time is now

7.30am The time in the morning when the bed-clothes ricochet off one wall of
the room, and lie crumpled in a heap daring you to waste enough time to make the
bed before you go out. Also the time when you discover you don't have enough
co-ordination to open your bedroom door, nor can you remember whether said door
pushes or pulls. Immediately you work this out, it is

7.40am Having spent ten minutes trying to wrestle the door back onto its
hinges, you achieve terminal velocity trying to come to terms with stairs. Quite
probably you would have broken your neck, if the ground hadn't broken your fall.
You lie dazed and stunned outside the shower, next to the toilet. It is at this
time that you make the first decision of your working day - which to enter
first. You know that should you enter the shower first, you will spend most of
your time knotting your legs as the running water cascades off your body,
already full of liquid from the night before. So, you choose the loo. Again,
this is a bad move, as you discover when it's

7.45am You enter the shower, set it to the required temperature. Immediately
you turn the water on, scalding hot needles pierce the thin fabric of your skin.
Obviously you have set the shower too hot. It is now time to play the
thermodynamic equilibrium game. Can you balance the hot/cold settings of the
shower, playing against the combined enemies of the cistern refilling, the
dishwasher hot-rinsing, and the kettle being filled? Bear in mind also that the
water takes some eight to ten seconds to register the changes you have made at
the taps. It is like trying to juggle three red hot pokers with both hands tied
behind your back, and your jaws wired together. Finally, after your refreshing
shower, it's

7.55am and time for that most invigorating of activities - the early morning
shave. Firstly, don't give in to that temptation to shave your tongue - it may
feel as though it's covered in more dense fur than the whole of David Bellamy,
but just wait till you clean your teeth! (when it'll feel as though your tongue
is a cross between King Kong and a Wrigley's chewing gum factory). Having
decided that it's the external part of the face you're going to shave, you
choose your weapon. Five minutes later, staggering from loss of blood, a female
voice comes through the door asking if it was alright to use your last razor the
previous night. And finally, the after-shave. Breathe in, grit your teeth, and
throw a quarter of the bottle in the vague direction of your chin. Done? Good,
now let go of the light fitting, and exit the bathroom.

8.10am And you finally realize that you're going to be far too late for the
train. Unless you miss breakfast. But your stomach and brain haven't got this
one sorted out yet. You try for the compromise, and it is five minutes later
that we find you sat on the bus, looking for all the world like an advert for
Kellogg's Crunchy Nuts.

8.20am Says the platform clock, although the trains seem to be disagreeing. A
voice comes over the tannoy, and the clarity amazes you - you can hear every
word the announcer says. Hear, yes - understand, no. What it sounds like he is
saying is "The train now stoning at platten fumf is for Lun Woo. Caw at Beran,
Renpa, Newman, Women, Early, Clam Jun, Vall, and Lun Walloon.", and all spoken
with clarity of a Dalek sucking a throat pastille. This announcement would be
fine and dandy if it weren't for the computerized tannoy man immediately
following this announcement. According to him, "The train now at platform one
is for London Waterloo only. We apologize for the delay which was caused by a
squirrel waving to the driver just outside Hampton Court." Even the excuses are
randomized by British Rail's computers nowadays.

As the train pulls up to the platform, it's time for the first two favourite
commuting games!

1) Is it my train?

Tricky one this - the best way of finding out is to play logic games with the
guard, along the lines of "If I asked the other guard, would he say this was the
train I don't want to get on?" However, the only blue-suited demons around are
up the other end of the track, trying to stop some old lady from feeding the
trains with breadcrumbs. Seasoned commuters at this point look around them to
see the reaction of everyone else. If you see someone moving that you think you
recognize, but can never remember being intr

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Page Updated Sat Jun 5, 1999 9:48pm EDT