Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/Buisness

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Augustne's Laws

Norman R. Augustine, president and chief operating officer of Martin Marietta
has written a book (available in paperback) called "Augustine's Laws"in which he
succinctly sums up the pitfalls that confront business managers today.

Law Number I: The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
with a silk sow. The same is true of money.

Law Number II: If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it
would probably be twice as good as yesterday was.

Law Number III: There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.

Law Number IV: If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.

Law Number V: One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the
output. Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average output.

Law Number VI: A hungry dog hunts best. A hungrier dog hunts even better.

Law Number VII: Decreased business base increases overhead. So does increased
business base.

Law Number VIII: The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a
cost-estimator is fifth grade arithmetic.

Law Number IX: Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent
possible to make trivial ideas profound...Q.E.D.

Law Number X: Bulls do not win bullfights; people do. People do not win people
fights; lawyers do.

Law Number XI: If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers
would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty times
as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all the managers would
fly off.

Law Number XII: It costs a lot to build bad products.

Law Number XIII: There are many highly successful businesses in the United
States. There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to
intermingle the two.

Law Number XIV: After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There
will be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent of every
airplane's weight.

Law Number XV: The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the
cost and two-thirds of the problems.

Law Number XVI: In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just
one aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and Navy
3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be made available to
the Marines for the extra day.

Law Number XVII: Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs
nothing, and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics;i.e., it always increases.

Law Number XVIII: It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not
uncommon to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of
ten degradation accomplished.

Law Number XIX: Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase,
there will be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them.

Law Number XX: In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of
funding approved the prior yearplus three-fourths of whatever change the
administration requests, minus 4-percent tax.

Law Number XXI: It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.

Law Number XXII: If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying
stock, not selling advice.

Law Number XXIII: Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
currently estimated.

Law Number XXIV: The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most costly action
known to man.

Law Number XXV: A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an
athlete or a new canvas to an artist.

Law Number XXVI: If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on
each other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.

Law Number XXVII: Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of
rank.

Law Number XXVIII: It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.

Law Number XXIX:
Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their jobs only
about five years. Those who produce effective results hang on about half a
decade.

Law Number XXX: By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the
answers, the people doing the work have lost track of the questions.

Law Number XXXI: The optimum committee has no members.

Law Number XXXII: Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent
means of turning problems into gold, your problems into their gold.

Law Number XXXIII: Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.

Law Number XXXIV: The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform
work is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed randomly.

Law Number XXXV: The weaker the data available upon which to base one's
conclusion, the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give
the data authenticity.

Law Number XXXVI: The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion
dollar contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the
proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other at the
bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea.

Law Number XXXVII: Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than
you expect. The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so
much.

Law Number XXXVIII: The early bird gets the worm. The early worm....gets eaten.

Law Number XXXIX: Never promise to complete any project within six months of
the end of the year, in either direction.

Law Number XL: Most projects start out slowly, and then sort of taper off.

Law Number XLI: The more one produces, the less one gets.

Law Number XLII: Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite
testing.

Law Number XLIII: Hardware works best when it matters the least.

Law Number XLIV: Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a
westerly direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the
additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics.

Law Number XLV: One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the
unexpected should have been expected.

Law Number XLVI: A billion saved is a billion earned.

Law Number XLVII: Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The
other third is covered with auditors from headquarters.

Law Number XLVIII: The more time you spend talking about what you have been
doing, the less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about.
Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less until
finally you spend all your time talking about nothing.

Law Number XLIX: Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.

Law Number L: The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's, but four times as long as the
official's who created it.

Law Number LI: By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be
more government workers than there are workers.

Law Number LII: People working in the private sector should try to save money.
There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again.

-= laws and one-liners =-= 4 =-----------------------------------------------

Paul Dickson's "The Official Rules", with sequel "The Official Explanations". I
quote from "Gilb's Laws of Reliability":

1) Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.

2) Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.

3) The only difference between a fool and a criminal is that the fool will
attack a system unpredictably and on a broader front.

4) A system tends to grow in complexity instead of simplicity, until the
resulting unreliability becomes intolerable.

5) Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to their
inherent unreliability.

6) The error-detection and -correction capabilities of any system serve as a key
to understanding the types of errors it cannot handle.

7) Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable
errors, which by definition are finite.

8) All real programs contain errors until proved otherwise which is impossible.

9) Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of
errors, or until somebody insists on getting some useful work done.

-= laws and one-liners =-= 5 =-----------------------------------------------

First Law of Advice: The correct advice to give is the advice that is desired.

First Law of Communication: The purpose of the communication is to advance the
communicator.

Second Law of Communication: The information conveyed is less important than the
impression.

First Law of Innovation Management: Change is the status quo.

Second Law of Innovation Management: Management by objectives is no better than
the objectives.

Third Law of Innovation Management: A manager cannot tell if he is leading an
innovative mob or being chased by it.

Second Law of Decision Making: Any decision is better than no decision.

Third Law of Decision Making: A decision is judged by the conviction with which
it is uttered.

Third Law of Survival: To protect your position, fire the fastest rising
employees first.

Fifth Law of Decision Making: Decisions are justified by the benefits to the
organization, but they are made by considering the benefits to the
decision-makers.

Parallels to Murphy's Law: Anyone else who can be blamed should be blamed.
Anything that can go wrong will go wrong faster with computers. Whenever a
computer can be blamed, it should be blamed.

-= laws and one-liners =-= 6 =-----------------------------------------------

I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their
lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they
don't need to impress people they dislike. - Emile Henry Gauvreay

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BOHICA = Bend Over, Here It Comes Again
BOGSAT = Bunch Of Guys Sitting Around Talking = meeting.

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We, the unwilling, led by the unqualified, have been doing so much, with so
little, for so long, that we are now doing the impossible, for the ungrateful,
with nothing.

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We, the unwilling, led by the unavailable, are doing the impossible, for the
ungrateful. In fact, we have done so much with so little, for so long, that we
are now qualified to do anything with nothing.

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Work hard and save your money and when you are old you will be able to buy the
things only the young can enjoy.

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Theories Of Management

Mushroom Theory - Just keep your employees in the dark and feed them bullshit.
Rain Makers - Reward Rain Makers, not Ark Builders.
Ark Builders - Reward Ark Builders, not Rain Makers.

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Rule for Managers:
If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost
his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.

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To estimate the time it takes to do a task: estimate the time you think it
should take, multiply by 2, and change the unit of measure to the next highest
unit. Thus, we allocate 2 days for a one-hour task. - Westheimer's rule (from
"The Art of Computer Systems Performance Analysis" by R. Jain)

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To err is human; to debug, divine.
To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. - L. Peter Deutsch

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Theory is when you know everything and nothing is working. Organization is when
nothing is working and everyone knows why. Practice is when everything is
working and no one knows why.

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Take heart, the only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson
Crusoe.

-= laws and one-liners =-= 17 =-----------------------------------------------

When I first started working, I used to dream of the day when I might be earning
the salary I'm starving on now. - from "Humorous Quotes from the Business
World" Successories, Inc.

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The Information Facts Of Life:

1. Most of the information in organizations, and most of the information people
really care about, isn't on computers. - Thomas H. Davenport, in Saving IT's
Soul: Human-Centered Information Management; The Harvard Business Review:
March-April 1994 pp.119-131

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Gaius Petronious Arbiter

First century: We trained hard, but it seemed that every time we were beginning
to form into teams, we would be reorganized. I was to learn later in life that
we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing. And what a wonderful method
it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion,
inefficiency, and demoralization. - Satyricon

-= laws and one-liners =-= 20 =-----------------------------------------------

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly
south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, the sparrow
changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. After a short time, ice
began to form his on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard almost frozen.
A cow passed by and crapped on this little bird and the sparrow thought it was
the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the
little sparrow began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing
the chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure, he
found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

There are three morals to this story:

1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

-= laws and one-liners =-= 21 =-----------------------------------------------

The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere free enterprise,
initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it. - George Lois.

===============================================================
=================
== OFFICE AND WORK HUMOR
=======================================================
-= office and work humor =-= 1 =---------------------------------------------

What To Do In Awkward Situations

You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an
uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Since this is definitely a no-no, you:
(a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid motion,
bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the fourth joint.
(b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize to
the one who makes his nose bleed first.
(c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick it up, blow
your nose on your sock.

You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January. Your
boss says that nobody but whores and football players live there. He mentions
that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your name.
(b) Ask what position she played.
(c) Ask if she is still working the streets.

You are having lunch with a prospective employer and are real close to a job
offer. You are also sitting in a restaurant with the Personnel Manager. This
blonde comes walking in and you just can't stop looking. She is a beautiful
thing and your tongue sloops out and you start drooling onto your Italian silk
tie. You divert the Personnel managers' attention to the blonde and tell him
all the devious things you would do to her if you could get her alone. She
walks straight your way and introduces herself as the Personnel manager's
daughter. You...
(a) Ask for her hand in marriage.
(b) Pretend you have forgotten how to speak English.
(c) Repeat the conversation to the daughter and just hope for the best.

You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this
proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your proposal
your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits into your coffee.
You:
(a) Tell him you take your coffee black.
(b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
(c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a leak in his "In" basket.

This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management personal to
various situations. You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate
executives in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchilada casserole and
egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure. Your
sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass bookcase doors to
shatter and a secretary to pass out. You should:
(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.

-= office and work humor =-= 2 =---------------------------------------------

If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, what is an empty desk a
sign of?
1) A clean desk is the sign of a frightened mind!
2) A clean desk is the sign of a manager at work?
3) Being terminated.
4) It usually means my mother is visiting again!
5) Having too much work to do in too little time!
6) I suppose it's a sign of someone who's following security regulations.
(I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt.)
7) Actually, it a sign of visiting VIPs.

-= office and work humor =-= 3 =---------------------------------------------

Please be advised of the following changes to the travel policy guidelines...

Memorandum

To: All Employees
From: Headquarters
Subject: Business Travel Policy Guidelines
Date: June 16, 1993

Due to fiscal constraints, the following corporate policies are announced
regarding employees on travel for official business. The purpose of these
policies is to save money, thereby decreasing overhead.

Transportation
--------------
If commercial transportation must be utilized, the lowest cost tickets will
be purchased. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme
circumstances and, the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting
with a customer is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by
traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to
Seattle. Bus transportation will be utilized whenever possible.
Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is strictly encouraged.
Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their
departure on company business trips.

Lodging
-------
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on
company business. If this is not possible, then cost effective alternatives
should be exploited.
Public areas such as parks and parking lots can be used during periods of
good weather. In inclement weather, bridges may provide temporary shelter.

Meals
-----
Expenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It should be
noted that certain grocery chains, such as "General Nutrition Centers" and
"P

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