Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/Buisness

Drew's Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands
directly in front of your eyes.

Ducharme's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
yourself as part of the problem.

Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Emersons' Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make
us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.

Estridge's Law: No matter how large and standardized the marketplace is, IBM can
redefine it.

Fett's Law: Never replicate a successful experiment.

Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget
your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where
you live.

Fifth Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the
feeling that there is nothing important to do.

Finagle's Creed: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.

Finagle's Laws: 1) Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
makes it worse. 2) No matter what results are expected, someone is always
willing to fake it. 3) No matter what the result, someone is always eager to
misinterpret it. 4) No matter what results occur, someone believes it happened
according to his pet theory. 5) If an experiment works, something has gone
wrong. 6) In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond
all need of checking, is the mistake. 7) The perversity of the universe tends
toward a maximum. 8) Do not merely believe in miracles; rely on them.

Finagle's Law Of Government Contracting: Dealing with the government is like
kicking a 300-pound sponge.

Finagle's Law Of Military Superiority: The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

Finagle's Rules: 1) To study an application best, understand it thoroughly
before you start. 2) Always keep a record of data. It indicates you've been
working. 3) Always draw your curves, then plot the reading. 4) In case of
doubt, make it sound convincing.

First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against
the wind.

First Law of Procrastination: Procrastination shortens the job and places the
responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
imposed the deadline).

First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary.

First Rule of History: History doesn't repeat itself; historians merely repeat
each other.

Flo Capp's Observation: The next best thing to doing something smart is not
doing something stupid.

Flon's Law: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the
least bit difficult to write bad programs.

Flucard's Corollary: Anything dropped in the bathroom falls in the toilet.

Flugg's Law: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world
is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.

Fourth Law of Applied Terror: The night before the English History mid-term,
your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. Corollary: Every
instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that
instructor's course.

Fourth Law of Revision: It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
interferences; if you have none, someone will make one for you.

Franklin's Rule: Blessed is the end user who expects nothing, for he/she will
not be disappointed.

Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: Every major philosophy that attempts
to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
Theorem. To wit: 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 2.
Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 3. Mysticism is
based on the assumption that you can quit the game.

Fresco's Discovery: If you knew what you were doing, you'd probably be bored.

Fudd's First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will fall
over.

Galbraith's Law of Human Nature: Faced with the choice between changing one's
mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on
the proof.

Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1. An object in motion will always be
headed in the wrong direction. 2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong
place. 3. The energy required to change either one of these states will always
be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally
impossible.

Gilb's Laws Of Unreliability: 1) At the source of every error which is blamed
on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of
blaming it on the computer. 2) Any system which depends on human reliability is
unreliable. 3) Udetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to
detectable errors, which by definition are limited. 4) Investment in
reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until
someone insists on getting some useful work done.

Ginsberg's Theorem: 1. You can't win. 2. You can't break even. 3. You can't
even quit the game.

Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: Investment in reliability will increase
until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on
getting some useful work done.

Glyme's Formula for Success: The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can
fake that, you've got it made.

Goebel's Law Of Useless Difficulty: Just because it's hard, doesn't mean it's
worth the effort.

Goebel's Second Law Of Useless Difficulty: The fastest way to get something done
is to determine that it isn't worth doing.

Goebel's Law Of Computer Support: Troubleshooting a computer over the telephone
is like having sex through a hole in a board fence. It can be done, but it is
neither EASY nor PLEASANT.

Goebel's Law Of Software Compatibility: A statement of absolute functional
equivalence made in bold print followed by several pages of qualifications in
fine.

Goebel's Theorem Of Software Schedules: Always multiply a software schedule by
pi. This is because you think you're going in a straight line but always end up
going full circle.

Goebel's Law Of Product Introductions: A future product release date does NOT
say when a product will be introduced. All it says it that you don't have a
chance in HELL of seeing it before that time.

Goebel's Observation On Utopia: If everyone believed in Peace, they would
immediately begin fighting over the best way to achieve it.

Goebel's Law Of Intellectual Obscurity: What fun is it to be an expert if you
make yourself easy to understand?

Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly

Goldenstern's Rules: 1. Always hire a rich attorney. 2. Never buy from a rich
salesman.

Golden Rule Of Arts And Sciences: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Gordian Maxim: If a string has one end, it has another.

Gordon's First Law: If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not
worth doing well.

Gordon's Object Lifespan Theorem: No matter the amount of care given the
purchased object, it will fuse/explode/disassemble within three days of warranty
expiration.

Gordon's Warranty Law: All warranty clauses expires upon bill payment.

Government's Law: There is an exception to all laws.

Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3, not even for large values of 2.

Gray's Law of Programming: 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished
in the same time as 'n' tasks.

Green's Law of Debate: Anything is possible if you don't know what you're
talking about.

Greener's Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.

Grelb's Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
average drivers.

Gummidges's Law: The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the
number of statements understood by the general public.

Gumperson's Law: The probability of a given event occurring is inversely
proportional to its desirability.

H. L. Mencken's Law: Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Martin's
Extension: Those who cannot teach, administrate.

Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.

Hall's Laws of Politics: 1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. 2)
Citizens want honest politicians until they want something fixed. 3)
Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend military spending,
and conservatives social spending in their own districts).

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
stupidity.

Hanson's Treatment of Time: There are never enough hours in a day, but always
too many days before Saturday.

Harp's Corollary To Estridge's Law: Your "IBM PC-compatible" computer grows more
incompatible with every passing moment.

Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: Experience is directly proportional to the
amount of equipment ruined.

Hartley's First Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to
float on his back, you've got something.

Harvard's Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it
damn well pleases.

Hawaiian Rules Of J.W.: 1) Never judge a day by the weather. 2) The best things
in life aren't things. 3) Tell the truth; there's less to remember. 4) Speak
softly and wear a loud aloha shirt. 5) Goals are deceptive; the unaimed arrow
never misses. 6) He who dies with the most toys, still dies. 7) Age is relative;
when you're over the hill, you pick up speed. 8) There are two ways to be rich:
make more or desire less. 9) Beauty is internal; looks mean nothing. 10) No
rain, no rainbows.

Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.

Hinds' Law Of Computer Programming: 1) Any given program, when running, is
obsolete. 2) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. 3) If a
program is useless, it will have to be documented. 4) Any given program will
expand to fill all available memory. 5) The value of a program is proportional
to the weight of its output. 6) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the
capability of the programmer who must maintain it. 7) Make it possible for
programmers to write programs in English, and you will find that programmers
cannot write in English.

Hlade's Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person; they will
find an easier way to do it.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
Hofstadter's Law into account.

Horngren's Observation: Among economists, the real world is often a special
case.

Hubbard's Law: Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive.

Hurewitz's Memory Principle: The chance of forgetting something is directly
proportional to...to... uh...

IBM Project Management Axiom: Need for project modifications increases
proportionally to project completion.

Instruction Booklet Governing Principle: Instruction booklets are lost by the
Goods Delivery Service. If not, they are listed in four languages: Japanese,
Thai, Swahili, and Mongol.

Jenkinson's Law: It won't work.

Johnson-Laird's Law: Toothache tends to start on Saturday night.

Johnson's Corollary: Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
organization.

Kramer's Law: You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the
track.

Larkinson's Law: All laws are basically false.

The Last One's Law Of Program Generators: A program generator creates programs
that are more "buggy" than the program generator.

Law Of The Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine beforehand
which side of the bread to butter.

The Law Of The Too Solid Goof: In any collection of data, the figures that are
obviously correct beyond all need of checking contain the errors. Corollary 1:
No one you ask for help will see the error either. Corollary 2: Any nagging
intruder, who stops by with unsought advice, will spot it immediately.

Robert E. Lee's Truce: Judgement comes from experience; experience comes from
poor judgement.

Lieberman's Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, because nobody listens.

Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n'
trivial tasks.

Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch.

Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion
with confidence.

Mason's First Law of Synergism: The one day you'd sell your soul for something,
souls are a glut.

May's Law: The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density
of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)

Meade's Maxim: Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like
everyone else.

Mencken's Law: There is always an easy answer to every human problem - neat,
plausible, and wrong.

Muir's Law: When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to
everything else in the universe.

Naeser's Law: You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.

Newlan's Truism: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government
economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

Ninety-Ninety Rule Of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task
takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other
ninety percent.

Nolan's Placebo: An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

Nowlan's Theory: He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the
next freeway exit.

Oliver's Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Orben's Packaging Discovery: For the first time in history, one bag of
groceries produces two bags of trash.

Osborn's Law: Variables won't, constants aren't.

Ozman's Laws: (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he
won't. (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. (3)
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. (4) Pizza always burns
the roof of your mouth.

O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible

O'Toole's Commentary On Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist.

Parkinson's Laws: First Law - Work expands to fill the time available for its
completion. Second Law - Expenditures rise to meet income. Fourth Law - The
number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount
of work to be done. Law of Committees - The amount of time spent by a committee
on an agenda item is inversely proportional to the cost of the item. Fifth Law
- If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public
or private, will find it. Sixth Law - Action expands to fill the void created
by human failure.

Peter's Principle: In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level
of his incompetence.

Pudder's Law: Anything that begins well will end badly. (Note: The converse of
Pudder's law is not true.)

Putt's Law: Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who
understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not
understand.

Putts-Brooks Law: Adding manpower to a late technology project only makes it
later.

Quigley's Law: Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will
attempt to use it.

Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realise that
you are in a hurry. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will
first strike your toes.

Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: If you think big enough, you'll never have
to do it.

Rhode's Corollary To Hoare's Law: Inside every complex and unworkable program
is a useful routine struggling to be free.

Ross's Law: Bare feet magnetise sharp metal objects so they always point upwars
from the floor-especially in the dark.

Rudin's Law: In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course.

Rudnicki's Nobel Prize Principle: Only someone who understands something
absolutely can explain it so no one else can understand it.

Rule Of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem it always helps
you to know the answer.

Ryan's Law: Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish
yourself as an expert.

Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.

Schemmer's Law (Organization & Programs): When an organization faces a 20 year
threat, it responds with 15-year programs, organized with 5-year plans, managed
by 3-year directors, and funded by 1-year appropriations.

Simmons's Law: The desire for racial integration increases with the square of
the distance from the actual event.

SNAFU Equations: 1) Given any problem containing N equations, there will be N+1
unknowns. 2) An object or bit of information most needed will be least
available. 3) Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least
accessible. 4) Interchangeable devices won't. 5) In any human endeavor, once
you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, there will be one solution,
simple and obvious, highly visible to everyone else. 6) Badness comes in waves.

Thoreau's Theories Of Adaptation: 1) After months of training and you finally
understand all of a program's commands, a revised version of the program arrives
with an all-new command structure. 2) After designing a useful routine that
gets around a familiar "bug" in the system, the system is revised, the "bug"
taken away, and you're left with a useless routine. 3) Efforts in improving a
program's "user friendliness" invariable lead to work in improving user's
"computer literacy". 4) That's not a "bug", that's a feature!

Thyme's Law: Everything goes wrong at once.

Universal Technical Document Units Law: Characteristics, specifications,
dimensions, and any other data included in technical documents must be stated in
exotic units, such as "tenth of troy once per barn" for pressures, or "acre
times atmosphere per kilogram" for speeds.

Vail's Second Axiom: The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to
the amount of work already completed.

Vuilleumier's Laws For Building Electronic Prototypes: First Law - Any pre-cut
equipment is too short; this is specially true of optic fiber cables with
expensive connectors at both ends. Second Law - If n electronic components are
required, n-1 are available. Third Law (also known as "Selective Gravitational
Field") - Any tool escaping manipulator's hands will not necessarily follow
Earth's gravitational field, but will land in the most unreachable location in
the prototype, smashing on its way the most expensive component of the
prototype; this will know only one exception if the tool is particularly heavy,
in which case it will land on the manipulator's foot. Fourth Law - When proteup
first, thankfully leaving the fuses intact. Fifth Law - Prototype npn
blackboxes actually hold pnp transistors, and vice-versa. Sixth Law - A quartz
oscillator oscillates at a frequency off the rated one by a minimum of 25%, if
it does oscillate at all. Seventh Law - When the prototype has been fully
assembled according to lab instructions, a minimum of 11 components are left.

Cutler Webster's Law: There are two sides to every argument, unless a person is
personally involved, in which case there is only one.

Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do the work.

Weinberg's Corollary: An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
sweeping on to the grand fallacy.

Wethern's Law: Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.

Whistler's Law: You never know who is right, but you always know who is in
charge.

Whitehead's Law: The obvious answer is always overlooked.

William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be
solved by brute strength and ignorance.

Wood's Axiom: As soon as a still-to-be-finished computer task becomes a
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Page Updated Sat Jun 5, 1999 9:48pm EDT