Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/Buisness

The one you want is never the one on sale.
The only important information in a hierarchy is who knows what.
The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don't have.
The only real errors are human errors.
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar
territory.
The only sense that is common in the long run is the sense of change. We
instinctively avoid it.
The only time to be positive is when you are positive you are wrong.
The organization of any program reflects the organization of the people who
developed it.
The other line always moves faster.
The paperless office will become a reality about the same time as the paperless
toilet.
The person not here is the one working on the problem.
The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk to the other end of
the building.
The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your
action.
The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that's the
way to bet.
The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is usually about
0.6.
The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions and littered with sloppy
analysis.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
The simplest subjects are the ones you don't know anything about.
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
The solving of a problem lies in finding the solvers.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up!
The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease; sometimes it gets replaced.
The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of junk food available.
The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, even in the wrong
denomination.
The sun goes down just when you need it the most.
The tasks and chores that get rewarded, get done first.
The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.
The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't really
know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
The trouble with doing right the first time is that nobody appreciates how
difficult it was!
The two greatest causes of system failures are sysadmins and users. If you can
keep both of these groups away from your machines, the reliability increases
dramatically.
The usefulness of any meeting is in inverse proportion to the attendance.
The trick is to stop thinking it is 'your' money. - IRS auditor
The trouble with life is that it's a do-it-yourself kit without instructions.
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
The workbench is always untidier than last time.
The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you.
The yoo-hoo you you-hew into the forest is the yoo-hoo you get back.
There are no rules around here. We're trying to accomplish something. - Thomas
Edison, remarking about his laboratory
There are no winners in life...only survivors.
There are only two forces that unite men, fear and self-interest...Napoleon
There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it,
or forbid your kids to do it.
There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those
who talk a lot.
There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1 - Don't tell people everything
you know.
There are two things on earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity.
There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to
doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing
about.
There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the
possible exception of the sword.
There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan
for.
There is a right way, a wrong way, and my way to do everything.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
There is always one more bug.
There is always one more idiot than you counted on.
There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.
There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrnog.
There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrrong.
There is no limit to how bad things can get.
There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, if they
don't care who gets the credit.
There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
There is no problem so large that it cannot be solved by the application of a
correctly chosen thermonuclear device.
There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
There is no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", only a capitalist.
There is no such thing as instant experience.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
There is nothing so habit-forming as money.
There is nothing so small that it can't be blown out of proportioN.
There is never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
There is one big difference between genius and stupidity; genius has limits.
Things are more like today than they ever were before.
Things could be worse; suppose your errors were counted and published every day,
like those of a baseball player.
Things get worse under pressure.
Things go right so they can go wrnog.
Thinking is hard work. One can't bear burdens and ideas at the same time.
This "law" has been intentionally left blank.
This "law" was inadvertently left blank.
This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists and not enough
hunchbacks.
This space for rent.
Those most opposed to serving on committees are made chairmen.
Those who live closest arrive latest.
Those with the best advice offer no advice.
To achieve the impossible, one must think the absurd; to look where everyone
else has looked, but to see what no one else has seen.
To attract maximum attention, it's hard to beat a good, big, dumb mistake.
To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
To err is human. To admit it is a blunder.
To err is human. To blame it on someone else is even more human.
To err is human. To blame it on someone else is politics.
To err is human. To forgive is simply not company policy.
To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two
of them absent.
To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Too light for heavy work and too heavy for light work.
Treat people as if they are what they ought to be, and you help them to become
what they are capable of being.
Trust everybody...then cut the cards.
Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
Two heads are more numerous than one.
Two monologues do not make a dialogue.
Two rules to success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Unemployment helps stretch your coffee break.
Unless absolutely essential, borrowing to buy a depreciating asset is dumb.
Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the
proposal.
Unless you intend to kill him immediately; never kick a man in the testicles,
not even symbolically or perhaps especially not symbolically.
Urgency varies inversely with importance.
Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation for being useful.
Virtue is its own punishment.
Wasting time is an important part of living.
We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an
about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who
turns back soonest is the most progressive. - C.S. Lewis
We are often most in the dark when we are the most certain, and most enligthened
when we are the most confused.
We don't have the time or money to do it right, but we'll have time and money to
do it over again.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
We sometimes get all the information, but we refuse to get the message.
We'll worry about that when we get there.
We're making progress. Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
We've always done it that way!
Wet manure is slippery. - OSHA discovery
What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
What you don't do is always more important than what you do.
What you resist, you become.
Whatever goes around, comes around.
Whatever happens, look as if it were intended.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work
perfectly.
When a lie fails, the truth saves what remained.
When a politician gets an idea, he usually gets it wrong.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When all else fails, try the boss's suggestion.
When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. When in charge, ponder.
When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.
When in doubt, take all the time you need to get all the facts, or all the time
you have, whichever is less.
When in doubt, use brute force.
When in trouble, delegate.
When it gets to be your turn, they change the rules.
When it's you against the world, bet on the world.
When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.
When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity. For every
week you are away and get nothing done, there is another week when your boss
is away and you get twice as much done.
When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be illegible.
When someone says this is as bad as it can get, don't bet on it.
When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks
to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.
When you don't have an education, you've got to use your brains.
When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while
all other coins will roll out of sight.
When the going gets tough, the smart get sneaky.
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform
perfectly.
When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad.
When things are going well, someone will inevitably experiment detrimentally.
When working hard, be sure to get up and retch every so often.
When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you're certain you're
finished with, you will need it instantly.
When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the
answer, provided of course you know that there is a problem.
When you are confronted by any complex social system, such as an urban center or
a hamster, with things about it that you're dissatisfied with and anxious to
fix, you cannot just step in and set about fixing with much hope of helping.
This realization is one of the sore discouragements of our century. Jay
Forrester has demonstrated it mathematically, with his computer models of
cities in which he makes clear that whatever you propose to do, based on
common sense, will almost inevitably make matters worse rather than better.
You cannot meddle with one part of a complex system from the outside without
the almost certain risk of setting off disastrous events that you hadn't
counted on in other, remote parts. If you want to fix something you are first
obliged to understand, in detail, the whole system, and for very large
systems you can't do this without a very large computer. Even then, the
safest course seems to be to stand by and wring hands, but not to touch.
Intervening is a way of causing trouble. - Lewis Thomas, from the essay "On
Meddling" in the collection "The Medusa and the Snail", The Viking Press, New
York, 1979
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When you are right be logical, when you are wrong befuddle.
When you are sure you're right, you have a moral duty to impose your will upon
anyone who disagrees with you.
When you are up to your butt in alligators, it is difficult to keep your mind on
the fact that your primary objective was to drain the swamp.
When you are up to your nose in #!&?, be sure to keep your mouth shut.
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
When your opponent is down, kick him.
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
Where you stand depends on where you sit.
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of
misery.
Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation?
Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses?
- G. Gordon Liddy
Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today.
Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
Wisdom consists of knowing when to avoid perfection.
Wisdom is what's left after we've run out of personal opinions.
Without data, yours is just another opinion.
Work hard and save your money and when you are old you will be able to buy the
things only the young can enjoy.
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of
incompetence.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
Work may be the crabgrass of life, but money is still the water that keeps it
green.
You can always find what you're not looking for.
You can fool some of the people and really piss them off.
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of
the time, but you can make a fool of yourself any time.
You can fool all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the
time, and that should be sufficient for most purposes.
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
You can observe a lot just by watching.
You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickles in the
machine.
You can't fall off the floor.
You can't get here from there.
You can't guard against the arbitrary.
You can't outtalk a man who knows what he's talking about.
You can't push a rope.
You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
You can't win. You can't break even. You can't quit the game.
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
You get the most of what you need the least.
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today.
You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue; agree with him.
You never find an article until you replace it.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
You never want the one you can afford.
You remember to mail a letter only when you're nowhere near a mailbox.
You want it when?
You will always find something in the last place you look.
You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash when the garbage truck
is two doors away.
You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
You're not drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on.
Your own car uses more gas and oil than anyone else's.
Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labor, they go straight into management.

-= laws and one-liners =-= 2 =-----------------------------------------------

Acheson's Rule Of The Bureaucracy: A memorandum is written not to inform the
reader, but to protect the writer. - Dean Acheson

Action's Law: Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Adler's Distinction: Language is all that separates us from the lower animals,
and from the bureaucrats.

Advertising Rule: In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince
the reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, that it is
curable.

Air Force Inertia Axiom: Consistency is always easier to defend than
correctness.

Allen's Distinction: The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf
won't get much sleep. - Woody Allen

Albrecht's Law: Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable
well-being.

Alden's Laws: (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of
pregnancy. (2) Always be backlit. (3) Sit down whenever possible.

Andrea's Admonition: Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.
If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you, it isn't and he can.

Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it, get a larger hammer.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least
accessible corner or the workshop. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any
dropped tool will first always strike your toes.

Approval Seeker's Law: Those whose approval you seek the most give you the
least. - Washington writer Rozanne Weissman

The Aquinas Axiom: What the gods get away with, the cows don't.

Army Axiom: Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.

Arnold's Laws of Documentation: (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. (2) If it
does exist, it's out of date. (3) Only documentation for useless programs
transcends the first two laws.

Astrology Laws: It's always the wrong time of the month. - Rozanne Weissman

Avery's Rule of Three: Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working
around the house the next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -
it's the start of a brand new series of three.

Baer's Quartet: What's good politics is bad economics; what's bad politics is
good economics; what's good economics is bad politics; what's bad economics is
good politics. - Eugene Baer (Baer also allows that it can be restated somewhat
more compactly as "What's good politics is bad economics and vice versa, vice
versa.")

Bagdikian's Observation: Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average
American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a
ukelele.

Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: A block grant is a solid mass of money
surrounded on all sides by governors.

Baker's Law: Misery no longer loves company, Nowadays it insists on it. -
Columnist Russell Baker

Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb: The hippo has no sting, but the wise man
would rather be sat upon by the bee.

Barker's Proof: Proofreading is more effective after publication.

Becker's Law: It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. - Jules Becker
& Co. (Becker goes on to claim that his law permeates industry as well as
government, "...once a person has been hired inertia sets in, and the employer
would rather settle for the current employee's incompetence and idiosyncrasies
than look for a new employee.")

Belle's Constant: The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work
is about 0.6. - from a 1977 JIR article of the same title by Daniel McIvor and
Olsen Belle, in which it is observed that knowledge of this constant is most
useful in planning long-range projects. It is based on such things as an
analysis of an eight hour workday in which only 4.8 hours are actually spent
working (or 0.6 of the time available), with the rest being spent on coffee
breaks, bathroom visits, resting, walking, fiddling around, and trying to
determine what to do next.

Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: (1) Houses are for people to live in. (2)
Gardens are for plants to live in. (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.

Berkeley's Laws: (1) The world is more complicated than most of our theories
make it out to be. (2) Ignorance is no excuse. (3) Never decide to buy
something while listening to the salesman.

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Page Updated Sat Jun 5, 1999 9:48pm EDT