Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/Buisness

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A Day Off

So you want the day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days
per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two
days off per week, leaving 251 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours a day
away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 81 days available. You spend
30 minutes each day on coffee breaks, that accounts for 23 days a year leaving 68 days
available. With a 1 hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days,
leaving only 22 days available. You normally spend 2 days sick per year, this now only
leaves you 20 days available. You get 5 days public holidays a year, so your working time
is now down to 15 days a year. We generously give you a 14 days vacation per year,
which leaves only 1 day available for work. So if you think you are going to that day off,
You out of your mind!!!

-= office and work humor =-= 104 =---------------------------------------------

Secretary: I would like to inform you that I have found a new position.
Boss: Fine, what are we waiting for, let's try it.

-= office and work humor =-= 105 =---------------------------------------------

The Federal Aviation Administration, in an attempt to "sensitize" employees to
sexual harassment, held a workshop where male employees were forced to walk a
gauntlet of female employees, who grabbed their private parts and made sexual
comments to them. An air traffic controller who was forced to walk complained
"I don't do these things to people so I don't feel that I need to have them done
to me." He says that the F.A.A. has ignored his complaints and he has been
blackballed by management, so he has filed suit - charging sexual harassment.

-= office and work humor =-= 106 =---------------------------------------------

Just when you think you have heard it all, from the Federal Employees News
Digest, 9/19/94

Lawsuit: FAA Sex Bias Training Went Too Far.

A male air traffic controller in Aurora Ill., is suing his agency, the
Federal Aviation Administration, on grounds that it forced him and other FAA
employees to undergo sensitivity training that became literally a little too
touchy-feely. He and other male participants in the training, which was carried
out by a contractor hired by the FAA, were forced to, among other things, run a
gauntlet of female workers who fondled the men's genitals and mocked their
sexual prowess.
Women, too, were subjected to what participants have said were deeply
disturbing and degrading training techniques, according to the Air Traffic
Controllers Association, which filed an unfair labor practice charge against the
agency soon after the workshops began in 1991. This month, that case goes before
an administrative judge in Washington D.C.
They were forced to look at photographs of penises, some of which were
tumescent, and then were instructed to use them to rate their FAA male
colleagues. They also were pressured into openly describing their first sexual
experiences and any past rapes and molestations.
Douglas P. Hartman, filed suit in the U.S. Court in Chicago, charging sexual
harassment and asking for the maximum judgement in such cases...$300,000. A few
years ago, he filed a sexual harassment complaint with the FAA after attending a
June 92 workshop, but the agency dragged it's feet and turned it's back on him,
Hartman asserts. The union is asking that the 4000 participants in more than 45
workshops be "deprogrammed" to neutralize any trauma. Several of the controllers
are so stressed out from the experience that they are no longer working.
Department of Transportation chief Federico Pina said the agency's inspector
general is investigating the allegations. In a statement last week, Pena said,
"I am deeply troubled by these allegations. If true, both FAA employees and
taxpayers have a right to be outraged. The activities in question clearly have
no place in any credible training program, and certainly not in one supported by
the federal government."

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Excuses for Missing A Day Of Work

From the Sunday, April 14, 1994 edition of the "Washington Post". A contest was
held in which readers were asked to come up with excuses to miss a day of work:

If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me
to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't
get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour
Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving
Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by
reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house
while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times.
Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who
fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that
deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how
about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no,
I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to
work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw
restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her
coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day
should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is
completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter
transportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

My wife makes more money than I do, so I have to stay at home with our sick son.

I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I
insist on paying my fair share.

I'm feeling a little disgruntled this morning. You want I should come in?

I can't come in because the deadline is Monday and, so far, I only have seven
different fun things to do with a barrel of snot.

I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

-= office and work humor =-= 108 =---------------------------------------------

A fellow came into my office and asked if he could use my dictaphone. Of
course, I told him he'd have to use his finger like everyone else.

-= office and work humor =-= 109 =---------------------------------------------

Another Sign To Post Around The Office

Another Month Ends
All Targets Met
All Systems Working
All Customers Satisfied
All Staff Eager and Enthusiastic
All Pigs Fed and Ready To Fly

-= office and work humor =-= 110 =---------------------------------------------

Ten Things To Say Or Do To Annoying Co-workers

The next time your co-workers get on your nerves and you have just had it with
them, do what I do...

10. Tell them to alphebetize their M&Ms.
9. Tell them there is a Moron's Anonymous meeting at 5 in the middle lane of
101.
8. Leave a wet lollipop on their chair.
7. Follow them home, freak them out a little.
6. Keep telling them what a hard worker you are.
5. Ask to borrow a report and tear out a couple pages.
4. Remind them that their freckles could be cancerous.
3. Comment on their weight gain.
2. Send anonymous letters.
1. Don't flush.

-= office and work humor =-= 111 =---------------------------------------------

Milton Ross, 41, who was feuding with co-workers in St. Joseph, Mo., was fired
in July 1994 after a video camera caught him urinating directly into the office
coffee pot before co-workers arrived at work. The videotape trap was set after
people noticed that the coffee's taste in recent days had become sour.

(On a related subject, the very next day, in Lanagan, Mo., 200 miles south of
St. Joseph, four arrests were made after witnesses reported seeing men urinating
into the town's water supply. Residents were advised for more than a week to
boil their water.)

-= office and work humor =-= 112 =---------------------------------------------

Pranks To Pull On New Employees

Sending new copy shop employees for double-sided transparencies.

In the army, we sent new cooks for a can of dehydrated water. This actually
worked cause new privates are conditioned to do what you say and everything in
an army kitchen is dehydrated.

I heard that someone was sent out to get striped paint. On arriving at the
shop, he was sent back to ask if the stripes should be horizontal or vertical.

Send the new apprentice to the boilerhouse for a bucket of steam.

In the phone company, new employees are sent after sky hooks...

Tell a friend that the gas station is hiring someone to change spark plugs in
diesel engines for 8$/hour. See if he gets a job.

I am reminded of the story, held to be true, about the new employee that had
never worked with a desktop computer before. One of the office workers loaded a
small program that made sounds like water running out of a drain. He then told
this naive little thing that you needed to drain the water out of the computer
every day before beginning the daily tasks. Faithfully, every day, she ran the
program that drained the water from the computer. Weeks went by, and she was
moved to another area of the office, to a different computer, that didn't have
the drain program on it. She couldn't understand that she had been HAD and
complained that she could not do her work without being able to drain the water
from her computer. Her supervisor had the fellow who installed the previous
"water drainer" install it on her new PC. She was then able to function.

Working in electronic instrumentation, we'd get a student engineer and ask
them to help us find spurs from a source by getting a "spur sniffer." And if he
was a computer science major, we'd really lose him for awhile if he was dumb
enough to go searching all the analog data books looking for a "precision zero
volt reference." "We'd like at least 3 digit accuracy!"

Oilpatch jokes: "That's the third time this week this scaffolding plank has
broken. Run down to the welder's shed and get 5 or 6 #4 wood rods."
"Run down to the supply shed and get me 20 feet of shoreline."
From the office ranks: "Go ask Doris to bring us some coffee."

I used to work in a restaurant and we would send new employees to go mop the
walk-in freezer. Then we would send them to chip the ice off the floor.

I also work in a restaurant. We sometimes tell the newbies to fetch the
grill enlarger when there is a rush hour. When they have been looking for it
for half an hour, they learn to ask when they are not sure of what to do. Once
we told a newbie to measure all of the french fries we wasted.

I worked for a construction company one summer and, in my second week, was
sent for a new bubble for the spirit level to the stores. Knowing I was being
had, but wanting a morning off work, I went to the stores and explained the wind
up to the storekeeper. He said "wait a minute", went away and came back with a
jar about 95% full of water. He told me to take it back to my foreman and
explain that this was the only sized bubble that the stores had and that if they
needed a smaller one they would have to wait until the order came in next week.

When my mother was a nursing student in England, they had a number of
standard jokes. One that I remember went something like this:
Nurse: "Go and ask the Ward Sister if I can borrow her fallopian tubes."
(Sometimes, my mother relates, the answer would come back "Sorry, they're in
use at the moment.")

During my summers, I work for a construction company and they have a great
prank to play on a new guy. As you approach the time to lay cement, tell him to
go to a store and look for a hydraulic cement bender and tell them to charge it
to their account. It has never failed them, I know personally!

My cousin and I were in two different shops in Trade School, he in the
appliance repair and me in the heavy equipment shop. When 'newbies' got in the
way, he'd send them down to me for the "short stand", I'd send them back after a
few minutes with the message "can't find the short stand, is the long stand any
good?", and he'd promptly send them for the long stand. I'd send guys for left-
handed screwdrivers, buckets of steam, and once in a while, for a long stand.
Although I used to dish it out, I was caught when I was a Newbie, I was told to
get the chain stretcher from the welding shop, I learned VERY quickly!

Get a pair of intercoms. Stick one in an empty drive bay of the new guys'
machine. At the other end, in another room, someone talks into it with a robot
voice. Tells him it's an AI with speech synth and voice recognition. We played
this on an extremely nerdy software intern. He actually bought it at first.
Then the AI started getting abusive...

I used to work at Canadian Tire part time as a student and here's a few that
I remember:
Ask the new employee to go get: sky hooks, left-handed wrench/hammer/razor,
Agent Orange (paint colour).
Or shoot elastics at them while they are carrying boxes.
Or press the intercom button on the phone and tell them the phone is for
them. You hear the poor shmuck going "Hello? Hellooo?" over the whole store.

This is a common one in the framing business. No, not framing pictures, but
framing houses. Actually, two:
When most of the framing crew is all working together to set a particularly
big and heavy beam (it gets fairly intense, especially when you don't have a
crane), suddenly start yelling about the beam being too short and yell at the
new laborer to get the board stretcher. They usually run off as fast as they
can, search through vans and trucks while everyone is screaming for them to
hurry up, because the beam is *REALLY* getting heavy. Tell them the truth after
about 5 or 10 minutes so as to avoid them shitting their pants.
When setting trusses (those things that are up in your ceiling and make the
roof pointed), tell them to get the sky hook.

In the Navy: sending a new recruit down to the sail shop for a Boatswain's
Punch. Obedient little dweeb marches in and asks the old salt on duty for the
request item. Sailor chuckles and then wallops the recruit in the arm. You'd
be surprised how many don't get it right off and say something like "Can I have
the boatswain's punch now, pleeeez" and get nailed again!

We ask any new purchaser to find us toner for the fax machine.

"Go get me 10 feet of shoreline."
"Go get me a 9 inch raping tool."
We once had a summer technician, a young pretty one, about a year out of RPI,
in our hardware engineering lab. There was a problem with a board and one of
the engineers said that the resistors were in backwards (for the non-hardware-
techie-types, resistors don't care which way they're in). He was expecting a
laugh back, 'cuz after all she was an RPI (good engineering school) student.
About an hour later, she said she changed the resistors and the board was still
broken. I guess it's more of a story than a prank.

This is a true story. A friend of mine was undergoing his vacation training
with a major electronic firm. One day, after examining a piece of equipment to
be disassembled, his supervisor said to him, " Could you please get the Allen
key for me?" My friend promptly said yes and went about it. He came back
shortly and told his supervisor, "There is nobody by the name of Allan Kee."

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