Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/Bar_Jokes

Be careful what you wish for

A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf and about to tee off on the third
hole. The wife hit her shot
and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass
window of a bar. Much to their
chagrin, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.

They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what had
happened. When they peeked
inside the bar, they did not find anyone. The husband called out and no one answered.
Upon further investigation,
they saw a gentleman sitting cross-legged on the counter with a turban on his head.

The wife asked, "Pardon me, but do you work here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through that window, knocked over the vase you see
there, and freed me from that
hideous little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered, bowing his head toward them.

The wife asked, "Are you a genie?"

"Oh why yes, I am. In fact, I am so grateful, I will grant you two wishes. The third
wish I will keep for myself," the
man replied.

The husband and wife agreed upon two wishes... one was for a scratch handicap for
the husband, to which the
wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year, forever. The
genie nodded and said,
"Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish I would like to have my way with your wife. I have
not been with a woman for
many years and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and millionaire." The
husband and wife agreed, and she
went off with the genie to a nearby room.

After the genie and wife finished, the genie asked the wife if she minded if he asked
her a few questions. "No, I
don't mind," she replied.

"How long have you been married?"

She replied, "3 years."

The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"

To which she responded, "31 years old."

Then the genie asked, "So, how long has he believed in this genie stuff?"

Religious undertones... please don't sue

A rabbi, a priest, and a bishop walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Mmmm... forbidden donut...

This guy walks into a bar and sees this donut drinking a beer. So he walks up to her
and says, "Hey, baby, what's
your sign.."

The donut looks at him with disgust and says "I'm a torus, you moron..."

You sound like a duck... quack-quack-quack...

This duck walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, buddy, your
pants are down..."

Preparing for rear-entry

Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One of them says to the other, "Hey, whaddya say
we go in there & get
shit-faced?"

Girls are really good at math... really

A red head, a brunette, and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender asks the redhead
what she would like. She
says, "I'll have a A.L."

The bartender looks lost, and so the redhead says, "Daaaaa, an Amstel Lite!"

Next, the bartender asks the brunette what she would like. The brunette says, "I'll have
a B.L."

With this, the bartender gets a grin on his face and says, "A Bud Lite,right?"

The brunette says, "Daaaaa, a Becks lite!"

Feeling really dumb, he asks the blonde what she would like to drink. The blonde
says, "I'll have a 15."

The bartender says to himself, "A 15, a 15, a 15?"

The Blonde says, "daaaaa, a 7 and 7."

Sour times

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they
offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the
lemon to a patron. Anyone
who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could
do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit,
and said in a tiny, squeaky
voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and
squeezed away. Then he handed
the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the
lemon and six drops fell into
the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man," what
do you do for a living? Are
you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

3 ducks on one page?

This guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender, who's seen just
about everything says, "what
can I get you?"

To which the duck replies "you can start by getting this guy off my ass."

I thought only toads had warts and that it was a myth

This guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head. The bartender says, "hey, what's
that?"

To which the Frog replies "I don't know. It started as a wart on my ass and this
happened."

Hot Duck

A circus owner walks into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a
little show. On the table was
an upside down pot and a duck tap-dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed
that he offered to buy the
duck from its owner. After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10000 for the
duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff!
I put him on the pot before
a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the
pot?"

Up there is Down there

This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has never shaved
her armpits in her entire life, so
as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raises
her arm up and flags the
bartender for another drink. This goes on all night. The other people in the bar see her
hairy pits every time she
raises her arm.

Near the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey,
I'd like to buy the ballerina a
drink".

The bartender replies, "She's not a ballerina. What makes you think she's a ballerina?"

The drunk says, "Any girl that can lift her leg that high HAS to be a bellerina!"

Dogs playing with balls

A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to
the bartender and says,
"Boy, I wish I could do that."

The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."

Dogs playing with the blind

A blind man walks into a bar with a seeing-eye dog. When the blind man reaches the
center of the bar, he
snatches the dog up by his collar and starts swinging him around and around. The
bartender speaks up and says
"Hey what the hell are you doing?"

The blind man says"Just taking a look around.."

Bear Facts

A bear walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't
serve bears."

The bear demands a drink, but the bartender keeps refusing. Finally, the bear, glancing
over at a woman sitting on
a stool near him, says, "Either give me a drink, or I'll bite off the arm of this woman
sitting next to me."

The bartender still refuses, so the bear leans over and bites off her arm. "Now, get me
a drink, or I'll bite off her
other arm too."

The bartender says, "Sorry, man, it's not my policy. We don't serve bears."

So the bear takes off her other arm. "Now get me a drink, or else I'll finish her off."

But the bartender says no again, so the bear turns around, eats the rest of the women,
and says, "Now get me a
drink, or you're next."

The bartender shrugs. "Sorry, we don't serve people who take drugs."

The bear says, "I haven't taken any drugs."

But the bartender replies, "Well, that was a barbituate."

I don't get this one but it's here anyway

An obviously intoxicated gentleman staggers into a tavern and seats himself at the bar.
After being served, he
notices a woman sitting a few stools down. He motions the bartender over and says
"Bartender, I'd like to buy that
old douchebag down there a drink."

Somewhat offended, the bartender replies "Sir, I run a respectable establishment, and I
don't appreciate you
calling my female customers douchbags."

The man looked ashamed of himself and muttered "you're right, that was uncalled
for...please allow me to buy the
woman a cocktail."

"That's better" said the bartender and he approached the woman. "Ma'am, the
gentleman down the bar would like
to buy you a drink... what would you like?"

"How nice!" replied the woman, I'll have a vinegar and water.

I must be dense... huh??

Three guys walk into a bar. One Italian, one Polish and a Black guy.

They see a guy sitting at the end of the bar and the Black guy says "Hey isn't that Jesus
sitting at the end of the
bar?"

The Polish guy says "It sure looks like him."

The Italian says "Yeah, I think you guys are right. But he looks a little depressed, lets
buy him a drink."

So they hail the bartender and tell him to get Jesus a drink.

Jesus accepts the drink and finishes it down and then walks over to the guys to thank
them. He walks over to the
Italian guy first and says "Thank you my son" and touches the back of the Italian guys
head.

The Italian says "Hey it's gone. I can see clearly now! Thank You Jesus!" The italian
guy proceeds to takes off his
glasses.

Jesus then walks up to the Polish guy and touches him on the shoulder and says
"Thank you my son."

The polish guy says "Wow, I can move again. My arthritis is gone! Thank you Jesus!"
and the Polish guys jumps
for joy.

Jesus then goes over to the black guy to thank him. Jesus says "Thank you my son."

The black guy jumps back and says "Wait a minute, don't even think about touching
me Jesus I'm on
compensation!"

Sealed Delivered

A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender.

"Anything but a Canadian Club" replied the seal.

Comin' in from da cold, mon

A white guy named Joe falls madly in love with this bartender named Wendy, so he
gets her name tattooed on his
penis. She breaks up with him, though, and he's so devastated that he goes away on a
Caribbean singles cruise to
try to get her off his mind. He drinks away his troubles at the bar on the cruise ship,
and one night drinks so many
beers his bladder is about to explode. So he goes into the bathroom and takes the
urinal right next to this muscular
black man. Joe takes a glance at the guy's penis and sees the word "WENDY" tattooed
on it. He says, "Hey, you
knew Wendy too?"

The black guy turns to him and says, "No, mon, when I get hard it says 'WELCOME
TO JAMAICA, HAVE A
NICE DAY."

Listerine

A guy comes into a bar and sees two women coming out of the bathroom. One sits at
one end and the other sits at
the other end. One looks really good and the other one is average. He thinks to
himself, "there is no way I can get
with the really hot one, so I'll talk to the average one and maybe work my way up to
the really hot one."

So he starts conversation with the one woman and they having a nice conversation.
The she asks him, "Do you like
my friend over there?" pointing to the woman at the other end of the bar.

The guy says, "Well, uh, uh, yea, I guess I like her."

So she asks, "Do you think she's pretty?"

The guy says, "Well uh, yea, she's pretty."

She then asks, "Do you wanna smell her pussy?"

The guy tentatively responds, "Uh, Uh, well, sure, yea, yea."

The woman smiles and puts her mouth to his nose and breathes out, HUUUH!

Texans are crazy people

A gay guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender,"Is this a gay bar?"

"No." replies the bartender.

"O.K. I'll just take a glass of water and sit in the corner."

While the gay guy is drinking his water, a cowboy comes in and says. "Man, I'm so
thirsty, I could drink the sweat
off of a cow's balls."

So the gay walks right in front of the cowboy, drops his pants, and says with a smile
on his face,"Moo moo
buckaroo!"

A drunk walks into a bar and stands next to a wiseass. The wiseass walks up to a
woman seated at the bar and
whispers, "Tickle your ass with a feather?"

The lady spins around indignantly and says, "What did you say to me?"

"Particular' nasty weather!" answers the wiseass.

"Oh," says the woman. The drunk thinks this is uproariously funny.

The wiseass moves on to another lady, saying, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" After
the lady asks him to repeat
his profane inquiry, he answers, "Particular' nasty weather!"

"Well yes it is, she answers." The drunk can stand it no longer, and asks the wiseass if
he could try the little joke.

"Be my guest," replies Mr. Smartypants. So the drunk walks up to a likely young
woman and blurts out, "Fuck
you...It's raining."

Open for business (down there)

A guy opens a bar, but he has no name for it. One day he sees this girl named Suzy,
and he thinks she has nice
legs. So he names the bar "Suzy's Legs". The next day, before opening hours, 3 guys
are sitting outside of the bar.
A cop walks up to them, and says "What are you doing?"

And one guy turns and says, "We're waiting for Suzy's Legs to open so we can go in
and get a bite to eat."

Habit at

This guy comes into a bar and orders three separate shots of Irish whiskey. He downs
one, engages in casual
conversation with the bartender, eventually finishing the other two. This goes on for a
few days and the bartender
finally says, "You know, I can put all three shots in one glass for you."

The other gentleman replies, "No, I prefer it this way. See, I'm very close to my two
brothers. They're both in
Ireland now and this represents a drink for each of us. This way I can be closer to
them and feel like we are all
having a drink together."

The bartender agrees and continues to set them up as requested.

This goes on for several months, and then one day, the guy orders two shots. Well the
bartender begins to worry
that maybe something has happened to one of his brothers. He's gotten to know this
guy over the month and finally
feels it necessary to ask.

"Is everything all right?" the bartender asked.

"What do you mean?" replied the gentleman.

"Well," the bartender said, "all these months you've ordered three drinks. Now you've
only ordered two.
Something didn't happen to one of your brothers, did it?"

"No," the gentleman replied. "They are okay. It's just that I quit drinking."

Boners

A skeleton walks into a bar: "I want a beer and a roll of paper towels".

A skeleton walks into a bar: "I want a beer and a mop".

And a bloody mess ensued

99 guys walk into a bar the 100th ducked

Even up there you can go down there

A giraffe walks into a bar. Bartender asks "what can I get you."

The giraffe says "Get me a beer. I all ready had two hi-balls."

Another case of mistaken identity

A guy walks into a bar with a little yellow long-nosed, short-legged dog under his arm.

"That's one ugly dog," says another patron while petting his Doberman.

"Heh," says the guy, "but he's a mean little SOB."

"That so" says the other patron, "bet $20 my dog will kick his ass in less than two
minutes"

The guy agrees and they put there dogs face to face, and each gives the command to
attack. In the twinkling of an
eye the little yellow dog bites the Doberman in half. The Doberman's owner is crying
and cussing, and screams
"What kind of damn dog is this?"

"Well" says the guy, "before I cut off his tail and painted him yellow he was an
alligator."

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Page Updated Tue Jun 8, 1999 5:23pm EDT