Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/Bar_Jokes

Can I borrow a feeling?

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the
mountains and walked into a saloon
in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the
Yukon!" he said to the
bartender.

"Well, we got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the
right." The miner handed the
bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers.

He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the
right and yelled, "I'm lookin'
for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she
stripped naked, bent over
and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the
miner.

"I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers first."

And this is why we have bathrooms, people

This homeless guy walks into a bar and says, "Gimme whiskey."

The bartender says, "I'll have to see your money first."

"I'm broke, sonny, but if you give me a bottle of whiskey, I'll get up on that stage and
fart dixie!"

The bartender had never seen someone fart any kind of song, so he agrees. The
homeless guy drinks the whole
bottle of whiskey, then staggers up on stage and the audience starts applauding. Then
he drops his pants and the
audience starts cheering even louder. Then, he proceeds to shit all over the stage, and
everyone gets disgusted and
leaves.

The bartender screams, "You said you were gonna fart dixie! Not shit all over my
stage!"

The guy replies, "Hey! Even Bob Dylan has to clear his throat before he sings!"

Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle

This guy walks into a bar with his monkey. The guy sits down next to the bartender
and has a few drinks. After a
while he has to go the bathroom.

"Will you watch my monkey while I go the bathroom?" the guy asked the bartender.

"Sure.", says the bartender.

As soon as the bartender hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs across the
room to the pool tables and
eats the Q-ball.

"What the hell?", the bartender exclaimed.

When the guy came out of the bathroom, the bartender says.

"Guess what?...your damn monkey just ate my Q-ball."

"Oh god.", says the guy. "Here there's $20 and after the monkey passes the Q-ball, I'll
sterilize it and bring it back
to you, deal?"

The bartender agrees. A week later the guy comes back with his monkey and also
returns the Q-ball. He is now
on good terms with the bartender. Anyway, the guy has a few drinks and after awhile
he needs to go the
bathroom. He looks at the bartender and says, "Will you watch my monkey while I go
the bathroom?"

"He isn't going to eat the Q-ball is he?", asked the bartender.

"No he's over that.", explained the guy.

Bartender agrees. As soon as the guy hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs
across the room, and gets a
peanut out of the peanut bowl. The monkey examines the peanut. Then the monkey
puts the peanut up it's ass,
pulls the peanut out, and finally eats the peanut.

"What innnnnnn the hellllllll", the bartender exclaimed in a bewildered manner.

The guy comes out of the bathroom.

"Guess what?....your monkey just stuck a peanut up it's ass, and then ate it
afterwards.", the bartender explained,
still overcome by the act.

"Oh yeah...", the guy acknowledges. "It's just that ever since the Q-ball, he just wants
to make sure everything
fits."

They don't say Hanes until I say they say Hanes

Bert met Flo in a bar one night and began buying her drinks. They hit it off pretty well
and soon Bert suggested
they go to his apartment for some extracurricular activity. Well it wasn't long before
they found themselves in bed
making passionate love. As they were making love though, Bert noticed that Flo's toes
would curl up as he was
thrusting in and out.

When they were done, Bert laid back on the bed and said, "I must have been pretty
good tonight. I noticed your
toes curling up when I was going in and out."

Flo looked at him and smiled. "That usually happens when someone forgets to remove
my pantyhose."

This wasn't even close to being a bar joke, but it happened

Grandad and grandson go bar hopping. The grandad orders a whiskey, takes a swig,
then puts it down.

Grandson goes, "Hey grandad, can I get somma that?"

Grandad goes, "Does the tip of your dick reach the cheeks of your ass?"

Grandson goes, "Nope."

Grandad goes, "Well there's your answer."

After a little while of drinking, grandad pulls out a pack of cigarettes and lights one
up.

Granson goes, "Hey grandad, can I get one of those?"

Grandad goes, "Does the tip of your dick reach the cheeks of your ass?"

Grandson goes, "Nope."

Grandad goes, "Well there's your answer."

So after a little while they get tired and pack up to go home.

On the way home they stop at a little store, and each buys a lottery ticket. The grandad
scratches his and wins
nothing.

The grandson scratches his and wins $5,000.

Grandad goes, "Hey grandson, can I get somma that?"

Grandson goes, "Does the tip of your dick reach the cheeks of your ass?"

Grandad goes, "Sure does."

Grandson goes, "Well good, take it and go fuck yourself 'cause you ain't gettin none of
this."

Stupid pet tricks

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on his shoulder. He throws the alligator on
the bar and orders a beer. The
bartender ask why he has the alligator-the man replies that the alligator can do tricks.
The bartender as what he
can do.

The man pulls out a little hammer from his pocket and hits the alligator on the
head-the alligator opens his mouth
real wide-the man takes out his penis and puts it in the alligators mouth-the man then
hits the alligator on the head
with the hammer and the alligator closes his mouth but stops just short of biting his
penis. The man hits the alligator
on the head again and he opens his mouth. He removes his penis.

The man says-I bet there isn't another person in this room brave enough to do that.

A gay man stands up in the back of the room and replies-I will! I will! If you don't hit
me so hard in the head with
that hammer.

Who you callin' chicken?

A chicken walks into a bar.

The bartender says "We don't serve poultry!"

The chicken says "That's OK I just want a drink."

Let's get po-li-ti-cal. Po-li-ti-cal. C'mon and get po-li-ti-cal. Let's get into po-li-ti-cal.

Two guys walk into a bar look over and see a guy that looks just like Hitler. They
decide that they had better
inform the man of this before he goes out and gets beat up.

The first man says, "Excuse me sir, but we just thought that we'd let you know that
you look just like Hitler, and
you better be careful where you walk."

The man looks up and says "Oh, that's because I AM Hitler."

The two men look at each other, and the second man asks "Did you just say that you
are Hitler?"

The man sitting down says, "Yes, that is what I said. You see, I've been hiding out in
Bolivia and reassembling my
army to take over the world. First we're going to kill all the Jews, then we're going to
kill all the baseball players."

Again the two men look puzzled at eachother, then ask "Why are you going to kill the
baseball players?"

The man sitting down then exclaims "See, I told you nobody cared about the
Jews!!!!!!!!"

There's no peace in the UK

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together.
They each proceeded to buy a
pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly landed
in each of their pints and
became stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if
nothing had happened.

The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and yelled "SPIT
IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT
YOU BASTARD!!!!"

It's no secret

This fly goes into a bar one day, and orders a drink. The customer next to him looks at
him and says to the
bartender, "What's with him?"

The bartender says, "Oh, he works in the restaurant down the street."

The man said to the fly, "Works there, but what line of work do you do?"

The fly sighs, "The waiters always put me in bowls of soup, and it's tough on my
health."

Every one should write jokes this good

The pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs who are drinking in a bar. As he is finishing
his speech on comparative
religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?".

"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not".

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions.

"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."

"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the
world?"

"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting,

"Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin."

Indecent Proposal

A guy and his wife walk into a bar together. The husband says "I am going to go play
pool for a while." And so the
wife stays seated at the bar. He then ventures to a back room.

While his wife sits alone, a guy walks up to her and says" ya know, I couldn't help but
look and you have got some
nice legs"

The lady smiles but says " I am happily married" So politely, the guy leaves.

But he came back 2 minutes later and said" ya know, i would love to just feel your
breasts for 1 minute."

Sorta angry the woman says "I told you I was married" and the guy leaves, only to
come back 2 minutes later.

This time he says, "ya know, I would love to fill your pussy full of beer and tip you
upside down, and drink it all."
The woman was not very happy.

She went into the back room to tell her husband. She first said "this guy said he licked
my legs" and the husband
roles up the sleeve of his right arm. "Then he told me he would like to touch my
breasts." Very angry the husband
roles up his other sleeve. "Then he said he would love to fill my pussy full of beer and
tip me upside down, and
drink it all."

The husband started pulling down his sleeves. The wife asks "What are you doing,
aren't you going to do
something?"

The husband replied, "Honey, I learned a long time ago not to fuck with a man that
could drink that much beer."

Pandas are cute until they start firing

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich,
pulls out a gun and shoots the
waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you
going? You just shot my
waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree
dwelling marsupial of Asian
origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Pray for him, Lord

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a barstool next to a priest. The man's
tie was stained, his face was
plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn
coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy
turned to the priest and
asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much
alcohol, and a contempt for your
fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very
sorry, I didn't mean to
come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Short people got no reason to…

This guy walks into a bar sits down and orders a beer and a bowl of chili. The barkeep
brings it over and sets it
before him. Just that quick this little guy jumps off his shoulders drinks his beer and
takes a whizz in his chili! The
patron says "another beer and chili please." Barkeep brings him another round and
chili, just that quick this little
guy jumps down drinks his beer and takes a whizz in his chili, "another beer and
chili." the patron says.

"Hold on," says the barkeep, "I keep bringing you beer & chili, but that shrimp won't
let you have your meal.
What's the deal?"

"I was walking down the beach came across this Genie bottle and he granted me three
wishes," the patron says.
"The first wish I wished for a nice mansion next I wished for lots of money
and for my third wish ,
I wished for a twelve inch prick ..... and the son-of-a-bitch has been with me ever
since!"

(from Yabble)

He's a 3 input guy

A black guy and two Pollocks worked together all their lives in construction. One day,
the black guy fell off the
scaffolding and died. The cops asked the two Pollocks if there was anything strange
about him. The first one says,
"No, not that I know of."

The second pollock says, "Yeah, he had two assholes."

The cop then asked how they knew that.

The pollock says, "Whenever we go to the bar down the street for lunch, the bartender
yells, 'here comes the
nigger with the two assholes'"

Go for 2 next time

A guy walks into a bar and asks "who wants to play Bar Room Football?"

The bartender asks "what is Bar Room Football?"

The guy says "I'll show you." He takes a mug of beer and he says "to get a touchdown,
you have to chug down the
entire mug of beer at once" and he does it. He then says "to get the extra point, you
then have to pull down your
pants and fart," and he does it. He then says "does anyone want to play?"

A gay fellow who was sitting in the corner says "I'd like to play" so the game begins.
The guy chugs the beer then
pulls down his pants and as he is about to fart, the gay pulls down his pants and rams
his penis in the guy's ass and
begins to shout "block that kick, block that kick"

Don't fear your brother-man

A small guy goes into a bar, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him.
The big dude looks down
upon the small guy and says, 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left
testicle, 3 pound right testicle,
"Turner Brown."

The small guy faints.

The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking
him and asks the small guy,
"What's wrong with you?"

The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"

The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound
left testicle, 3 pound right
testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'."

Eee-aw! Eee-aw!

A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?"

Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. speak up!"

"May I please have a drink?"

"What? You have to speak up!"

"Could I please have a drink?"

"Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you."

"I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."

The Joy Luck Club

Three ladies are sitting at a bar.

One says "my pussy is so big my husband can stick his fist up it."

The second lady says "mine is so big my husband can stick BOTH fists up it!"

The third lady just laughed and slid down the bad stool.

Are these the same ones?

These three hookers walk into a bar.

The first one says "I had such a good night, I did business with 5 guys. Give me a long
neck." She drank the beer
and then shoved the empty bottle up her twat.

The second one said "Yeah well that's nothing. I did business with 10 guys. Give me a
bottle of Jim Beam." She
finished the bottle of Jim Beam and Stuck that up her twat.

The third one just smiled and slid down her barstool.

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Page Updated Sun Jun 6, 1999 3:27pm EDT