Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/Bar_Jokes

We're colonized by wankers

This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two
hands! Dug up the holes
with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last
rail! But do they call me
'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."

He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He
continues, "AH built it me
ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single
board! But do they call me
'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."

"But ye fuck ONE sheep...."

Ribbed or lubricated?

A guy walks into a bar and tells everyone there "Give me all your money, watches,
jewelry and anything else of
value or I will inject you with the AIDS virus." Then he produces a syringe. One by
one everyone hands over all
their stuff except one man at the end of the bar.

"I told you to hand over all your stuff or I'll inject you with the AIDS virus."

The man at the bar said "Go ahead, I'm wearing a condom."

Mind over what matters

Greg lives above a bar, and one day he was walking up the stairs after losing his job.
A man comes up to him and
says, "You are looking really down. I know how to make you feel better. Watch this.
I'll jump off the 4th story and
be sucked in the 2nd."

He jumps off and was sucked in through the 2nd story window.

"Wow, that was cool, I'm gonna do it!" says Greg.

Greg jumps off the roof and landed hard on the ground, dead. The man who was safe
in the 2nd story walked
down to the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says to him, "Superman, you shouldn't mess with people's minds like
that."

Now why wouldn't a woman do the same?

4 gay guys walk into a bar there is only one stool. What do they do?

They turn it over.

This is by no means an endorsement on the term 'fag'

This fag walks into a bar and sits down at the counter and orders a beer. The bartender
takes one look at him and
says "We don't serve your kind in here. Get the hell out."

The fag says "It's hotter than hell outside and I could really use a cold beer. I'll just sit
over in the corner and not
bother anyone if you'll just get me one beer."

The bartender says "No, I told you we don't serve your kind in here so get the hell out
now."

The fag says "How bout if I take a drink out of this spitoon will you give me a drink?"

"NO, get out before I call the cops." says the bartender.

The fag picks up the spitoon and starts drinking out of it. "That's disgusting put that
shit down and get the hell out
of here!" the bartender says.

The fag keeps on drinking.

"STOP!!" yells the bartender. "You're grossing out my customers!"

The fag still keeps on drinking.

"FINE, FINE!! Here's your fucking beer, just put that shit down!"

The fag is still drinking.

Finally the fag puts the spitoon down. The bartender says "Why in the hell did you
keep drinking out of that
spitoon? I gave you you're damn beer."

The fag replies "I couldn't stop, it was all one wad!"

I thought the whiskey would help too

This cowboy walks into the saloon and orders a whiskey. The bartender slides it along
the bar and the cowboy
downs it in one gulp. Immediately he rushes back out the bar, goes to his horse, lifts
its tail, and gives it a huge
smacking kiss there.

He then goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey. The bartender slides it
along the bar and once again
the cowboy downs it in one gulp then rushes out the bar, goes to his horse, lifts its tail,
and gives it a huge
smacking kiss there.

He goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey. By this time there are a number
of other patrons looking at
him with a fair bit of interest. The bartender decides he'd better ask what's going on
before the cowboy gets too
drunk to answer.

"So, Cowboy, why is it that every time you order a whiskey you go out and kiss your
horse on the bum?"

The Cowboy (in his best drawl) replies "Chapped lips."

The bartender says with some surprise "Oh, does that cure them?"

The cowboy says "Nope, but it sure stops me lickin' 'em".

Animal Quackers

A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender snarls, "What'll you
have?"

The duck says, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender spits and says "We don't have grapes here, we serve drinks, now get
out!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the
bartender in the eye and asks,
"Got any grapes?"

The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes here, we
serve drinks, now GET
OUT!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at
the bartender, and asks,
"Got any grapes?"

The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the duck, "I told you
two times we don't serve
grapes here, we serve drinks! If you ask me that ONE MORE TIME I'm going to nail
your beak to the bar!
NOW GET OUT!"

With that, the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool and waddled out.

The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the
bartender in the eye and
asked, "Got any nails?"

The bartender, puzzled, said no.

The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any grapes?"

Is it just me, or should they put a sign up telling patrons to watch out for these things?

A guy walks into a bar. His buddy laughs and says, "Don't worry, I didn't see it either."

Twah?

So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . .

Maybe he was blind, but then that's not very funny is it?

A guy walks into a bar, right? Which is really kind of stupid, cause you'd think that he
would have seen it first.

I'd just like to say: I really hate that Lord of the Dance guy

An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small
green-skinned man out of his pocket
and puts him on the counter. As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking
the other, an Englishman
down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says "Hey, what's that little green
thing down there?"

The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry, SPLBLBLBLT!,
right in the face and runs
back to the Irishman. The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman,
"Hey, what is that thing,
anyway?"

The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun."

"Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to drinking beer.

An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. "Boy, that leprechaun is ugly!"
he says. The leprechaun runs
down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again- SPLBLBLBLBT! This time
the Englishman is really
mad! "Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I'll cut his pecker off!" he shouts.

"You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have peckers."

"How do they pee, then?" asks the Englishman.

"They don't." says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBLBLT."

Bathrooms: Society needs them

A guy has to take a crap really bad so he goes into a bar he thinks the bathroom is
upstairs so he goes upstairs he
can't find the bathroom anywhere but he finds a hole in the floor so he takes a crap in
it. After that he goes
downstairs and theirs no one down there so he asks the bartender were everyone is and
he says "Where the hell
were you when shit hit the fan?"

That's one classy bar

A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, I can't serve you here unless
you are wearing a tie."

The man says, "Okay, I'll be right back," and goes to his car to find anything he can
use for a tie. All he finds is a
set of jumper cables, so he ties them around his neck, goes back in and asks, "How's
this?"

The bartender replies, "Well, okay, but don't start anything."

(from Andrew Ireland)

Someone will have to explain this to me later. Much later.

A man, a duck, and OJ walk into a bar.

A person in the bar says, "Oh, look, a man," and everyone in the bar says some prayer.

The next person in the bar says "Duck," and everyone in the bar ducks.

Finally, a third man says, "Oh, looky there. A killer in a black suit."

OJ says to the man, "Only on weekends."

These are so quick, you don't have time to laugh

A cowboy walks into a bar, dressed entirely in paper. Wasn't long before he was
arrested for rustling.

A guy walks out of a bar on the moon, complaining "The drinks were OK but there is
no atmosphere."

He should stick to email

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone...
on his hand and talking into
his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood
and he doesn't need any trouble
here.

The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my
hand because I was tired of
carrying the cellular."

The bartender says "Prove it."

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks
into the hand and carries on a
conversation. "That's incredible," says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!"

"Yeah," said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By
the way, where is the men's
room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20
minutes go by and he doesn't
return.

Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room.
There is the guy spread-eagle
on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy turns and says: "No, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."

No explanation required

A fish walks into a bar and the bartender says: "What do you want?"

The fish croaks "water."

It's funnier if you think horses can speak

A white horse walks into a bar, and the barman sees the horse and says: "Hey, we have
a whiskey here named
after you!"

The horse then says: "What? 'Eric?'"

Oh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer® wiener

Two homeless guys pull all there money together and they still don't have enough to
buy a drink. Homeless #1 says
"Lets go buy a hot dog."

Homeless #2 says "How is that going to get us something to drink?"

Homeless #1 says "Well we buy the hot dog, throw away the bun, I'll take the dog and
put it down my pants, we
go to a bar, order some drinks, drink them fast and when the bartender askes for the
money, I'll pull down my
zipper, you drop to your knees and act like your blowing me, and then the bartender
will throw us out for being
faggots."

Homeless #2 thinks about it and said OK. The two go to a bar, order 2 double Jack
and cokes and gulp them
down real fast. When the bartender says that will be $10.50, homeless #1 unzips his
pants and pulls out the hot
dog and homeless #2 drops to his knees and starts sucking on it. The bartender jumps
over the bar and kicks the
two of them out.

The two were happy about this and decided to go to other bars. Well, they hit 9 bars
and finally Homeless #2 says
"Man we're going to have to change or do something else because my knees are
hurting from jumping down all the
time."

Homeless #1 says "Well you think that bad, I lost the hot dog after the 3rd bar."

(from Sean Dolven)

Riki Tiki Tavi gets a man

A guy walks into a bar with a ferret on his shoulder, puts it on the bar and asks for a
drink. The bartender sees the
ferret and says, "Hey buddy, what's with the ferret?"

The guy says "I tell ya what pal, this ferret gives the best blowjob on the planet…'

The bartender looks at him and says "Get the fuck outta here and take your rat with
you!"

The guy says "take the ferret in the back and if your not satisfied, I'm outta here…"

Ten minutes later the bartender comes out of the back room with the ferret, drops it on
the bar and says "DAMN,
that was the best blowjob I've ever had, I'll give you $500 for it."

The guy goes "Sorry pal, it's not for sale."

The bartender says "I'll go as high as $2000."

"SOLD", the guy yells, and walks out of the bar.

The bartender quickly closes up, grabs the ferret and heads home. When he opens the
door to his house, his wife
is standing in the kitchen, she says "what the hell is that?"

He passes the ferret to his wife and says "Teach it to cook and get the fuck out!"

(from John Frink, Prince George B.C.)

Hot Heffer

A guy walks into a bar and says "I'm so thirsty, I could lick the sweat off a cow's
balls."

A gay guy in the corner goes "MOOOOOOO!"

(from Joe Devitt)

This is just a warm up

A guy walks into a bar.

The guy behind him ducks.

Dogs are great

Three guys sitting in a bar around a log fire with their dogs and get talkin' about them.

First one says "My dog is called woodworker.. go woodworker."

The dog grabs a log from fire and with his teeth and paws fashions a beautiful
figurine.

Next one says "My dog is called stoneworker.. go stoneworker"

The dog drags a rock from the fire front and a beautiful carving emerges.

Third one says "My dog is called iron worker" he puts the fire tongs into the fire and
gets them red hot. "Now," he
says "I'll just touch him on the balls and you watch him make a bolt for the door."

This is why we have to check for IDs

A man and giraffe walk into a bar and get totally faceless drunk. The giraffe passes
out and man gets up to leave.

Barman says "you can't leave that lying there."

Man says "it's not a lion it's a giraffe."

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Page Updated Sun Jun 6, 1999 3:24pm EDT