Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/Bar_Jokes

Pint-size challenge

A man sitting at the bar announces, "If anyone can drink 20 pints of Guinness, I will
not only pay for it, but I'll give
you a hundred dollars." The bartender pours the 20 pints and lines them up at the bar.
The man sitting next to him
gets up and leaves. He looks around, and no one is taking his challenge. The man who
left, returns to the bar and
announces proudly that he can drink all 20 pints. So he does. The man is amazed and
gives him the money. Then
he asks where he went.

"Well, I had to go to the bar next door and make sure I could do it first"

Old Spice

This guy walks into a bar (not knowing it was a bar for gays) and asks the bartender
for a drink. The bartender
says, "First you have to tell me the name of your penis."

The guy says, "what?"

The bartender repeated, "tell me the name of your penis and I'll fix you a drink."

The guy said to the bartender, "tell me the name of your penis, and I'll tell you mine."

The bartender said, "Chevy-hard as a rock."

The guy said, "Ok...my penis' name is 'Secret'. Strong enough for a man, but made for
a woman."

Penguins after a cold one

Two penguins walk into a bar. One falls down. Ouch.

...from the PezPrincess

Angus McClod: Scotch Connoisseur

Angus McClod walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The
bartender, not wanting to go
down to the basement and deplete his supply of the rare and expensive liquor, pours a
shot of ten-year Scotch and
figures that his customer won't be able to tell the difference. Angus downs the Scotch
and says: "My good man,
that Scotch is only ten years old. I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."

Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out
a bottle of twenty-year old
Scotch and pours the man a shot.

The customer drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for
forty-year old Scotch."

So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old
Scotch and pours the customer
a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously
as he downs the latest
drink.

Once again Angus states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for
forty-year old Scotch.

The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of
prime forty-year old Scotch.
Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot.

Angus downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!"

The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.

An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot
glass of his own: "I bet you
think you're real smart," slurs the drunk. "Here, take a swig of this."

Rising to the challenge, Angus takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow.
Immediately, he chokes and
spits out the liquid on the barroom floor.

"My God!" Angus exclaims. "That tastes like piss!"

"Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"

Quitting was never so easy

A group of fellows were out drinking one night, when one poor slob, grievously
overserved, passes out. His pals
are laughing at his immoderation, and one even peels the label off his beer bottle and
sticks it on the poor chap's
forehead. An hour or so later, he awakens, looks at his watch, and thinks..."OH
MAN!..I better get home
NOW!"

He hadn't even gone a mile, when he sees red lights flashing in his rear view mirror.
"Oh DAMN!" he says, as he
pulls over.

The officer walks up, looks in, and shakes his head. "Sir...have you been drinking?"

"Well, I had one or two," comes the slurred reply.

Disgusted, the cop says "Why, sir, do you have a Budweiser label on your FACE?"

The fellow looks at himself in the mirror..."Oh NO!" he mutters," Those
BASTARDS!" His mind racing, he
suddenly smiles, looks at the cop and says, "Oh THIS? Well, you see, I am trying to
quit drinking, and my doctor
gave me this PATCH!"

Never do anything good for anyone

This guy walks into a bar in a hotel and has a couple drinks. After explaining to the
bartender that he has no where
else to go the female bartender said that she'd let him stay at the hotel for free if he
promised not to harm the
clothes she had hanging up in her room.

The next morning she awakes angrily to find that her clothes were ripped and thrown
on the floor, but when the
man asked to stay another night she kindly offered the same room on the condition
that he wouldn't shave her cat
that slept in that room.

She awoke the next morning to find her cat completely shaved, but like the day before
she once again offered the
room to the homeless man if he told her that he would not paint the donkey she kept
outside the hotel red.

When she awoke to the following morning to find that her donkey was painted red she
ran to the police station.
When someone asked to help her she said "A man walked into my hotel, ripped my
clothes off, shaved my pussy,
and slapped my ass red."

Why would anyone want to get married?

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into
his shirt pocket. He orders
another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a
third shot and does the same
thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk
out.

Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy "Excuse me, but I
noticed that everytime you
drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your
pocket."

The guys slurs "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until
she starts to look good."

Squeezably soft

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey,
you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

"How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass." (pangloss)

Mr. Peanut never talked

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He starts eating the beer nuts at
the bar and he hears a
voice say,

"Wow! You look GREAT tonight!"

The man looks over at the bartender who didn't say anything and just keeps drinking
and eating beer nuts and he
hears something again!

"That's an awesome shirt! You are amazing!"

He looks around and he's the only guy in the place so asks the bartender if he had
heard anything and the
bartender says, "Was the voice saying bad things or good things?"

And the man replies, "Good things, why?"

And the bartender says, "It must have been the complimentary nuts."

People say the funniest things when they’re drunk

A drunk staggers into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like to buy everyone in the
bar a drink and get one for
yourself too!"

The bartender makes the drinks and everyone raises their glass and yells "CHEERS!"
and downs their drinks.

The bartender says "That'll be $37.50."

The drunk says, "Kiss my big white ass, 'cuz I don't have any money!"

This infuriates the bartender who then jumps over the bar and beats the living hell out
of the drunk and throws him
out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar and says, "I'd like to buy the
whole bar a drink, and get one
for yourself, too"

The bartender figures that maybe he was a little hard on the guy the day before and
decides to give the guy the
benefit of the doubt. He makes the drinks and they all say, "Salute!" and down the
drinks.

The bartender says, "That'll be $42,50."

The drunk replies by putting his thumb to his nose, wiggling his fingers, and making a
loud raspberry noise followed
by, "I don't have any money and you can kiss my big white ass!"

This angers the bartender even more than the first time. He jumps over the bar and
beats the hell out of the drunk
and throws him out into the street onto his face and kicks him a few times for good
measure.

The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar, but before he can say anything
the bartender says, "Let me
guess, you want to buy the whole bar a drink and I should get one for myself, too,
right?"

The drunk replies, "No way, you get too violent when you drink!"

(cain@shadow.net)

Oedipus at the bar and home

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he dares have only one beer. The
bartender asks him what the
problem is, and he replies "The last time I came in drunk at 3:00 A.M. my wife was so
bent out of shape we damn
neared ended up in divorce court."

The bartender replies "I'll you what, all you have to do is give her an extra special treat
and she'll forget her little
mad."

"Such as?" asks the patron.

"Do you ever go down on her?"

The patron replies, "I really can't bring myself to do that, and, in fact, the mere
thought of it makes me sick to my
stomach!"

"I'd get over it if I were you." replies the bartender. "Just think, she'll be so grateful
and no matter how loaded you
are you won't be all stressed-out trying to keep it up and end up resorting to
soft-packing."

"I'll give it a try. And now, get me a double Manhattan!"

Our hero stumbles in the house blind-drunk and having a hard time containing his
guts. "I'll get this over quick and
hope not to upchuck all over her." he thinks. "I don't EVEN want to see it," he tells
himself and so goes into the
bedroom without even turning on the light and dives straight under the covers at the
foot of the bed.

The response in incredible!

Our hero's response is an incredible wave of nausea so he rushes into the bathroom
where he sees his wife sitting
on the toilet taking a tinkle.

"I don't know how you beat me in here," he says "but be quick! I've got an
emergency!"

"Shut up you damn drunk." she hisses. "Your mother's in there trying to sleep!!"

(Don Lewis in Austin Texas)

Slapstick comedy

This white guy walks into a bar and he starts talking with a black guy who is sitting
next to him. After a couple of
beers they decide to go take a pee together. As they are in the men's room, the white
guy glances at the black's
dick.

"Gee, I really wish I had a dick like that," says the white guy.

"Well", says the black, "all you have to do is hit your penis on the bath tab for ten
minutes every morning, and
you'll get it."

The other guy thanks him for his advice and walks out of the bar.

Some months later they meet again in the same bar, and they start talking.

"Well", says the black man, "did you take the advice?"

"I did," says the other guy.

"So, let me see."

The white guy lowers his pants and shows him his penis.

"Ha!" says the black guy, "at least you made the color like mine!!" (nikos GR)

The parrot retires in Tahiti

A guy walks into a bar, and there's a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is
staring at the horse, when the
horse says, "Hey buddy? What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse
serving drinks before?"

The guy says, "No, it's not that... it's just that I never thought the parrot would sell the
place."

I know just how that dog feels

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that
dog!"

The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"

The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a
drink on the house!"

So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime,
Mozart... and the bartender and
patrons are enjoying the music.

Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags
him out. The bartender
asks the guy, "What was that all about?"

The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."

Variety act

A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way.
I don't think you can pay
for it."

The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you
haven't seen before, will you
give me a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risqué."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts
the hamster on the bar and
it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the
keyboard and starts
playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That
hamster is truly good on the
piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his
coat again and pulls out a
frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice
and great pitch--a fine
singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him
$300 for the frog.

The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog.
The stranger runs out of the
bar. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog
for $300? It must have
been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so", says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist."

Frankly, I don’t know anyone who wishes they were white

An Indian walks into a bar with a bag in one hand and a cat in the other. He sits down
at the bar and orders a
whiskey, throws the bag in the corner, pulls out his gun and shoots the bag, causing
shit to fly out of the bag. He
then starts to eat the cat, slamming the whiskey afterwards.

The dumbfounded bartender asks "What the hell are you doing?!"

The Indian replies "Me want to be like white man--drink whiskey eat pussy and shoot
the shit."

Why didn’t he just turn on the light?

This drunk staggers into a bar, bumping into customers and spilling drinks as he
makes his way to the bar. The
bartender sees what is going on and is pissed at the drunk when he finally makes it to
the bar. "Get out of here!"
says the bartender.

"I gotta go to the baffroom," slurs the drunk.

"I said get the hell outta here or I'll throw you out!!" yells the bartender.

"I gotta go baffroom," says the drunk and starts to drop his drawers.

"Hold on, hold on" says the bartender "alright, you can go to the bathroom, but
afterwards you get the hell out of
my bar!"

The drunk agrees and stumbles off to the bathroom. After about 5 minutes, everyone
hears this loud scream. Dead
silence in the bar. Another loud scream-from the bathroom. The bartender and a few
customers run to the
bathroom. There's the drunk sitting down.

"What the hell is going on?" asks the bartender.

"I went, and every time I try to flush the toilet, it crushes my nuts!" says the drunk.

"Why, you stupid shit!" said the bartender. "You're sitting on my mop bucket!!"

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Page Updated Sun Jun 6, 1999 3:23pm EDT