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A man from Ward 3 sneaked out of the City Hospital down to Shaftesbury Square and
ino Lavery's pub still in his
dressing gown. He ordered a pint of Smithwick's and a double Black Bush. Having
downed them in 5 minutes he
asked for the same again. As he drained the last drops of the Bush he said to the
barman, "I shouldn't be drinking
this with what I've got."

The barman stood back, alarmed, and asked "What have you got?"

"About 50p" said the patient.

Doesn't Budweiser taste like piss?

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "I bet for a hundred dollar that, if
you give me a beer, I can tell
you what kind of beer it is."

So the bartender gives him the first beer and the guy says: "That's an easy one:
Budweiser."

The bartender's amazed and gives him the next beer and the guy says: "This one is a
Warsteiner."

And every time the bartender gives him a beer, he knows what kind of beer it is. After
a while the bartender starts
to think: "Shit, this is gonna cost me a hundred dollars. I have to think of something
else."

So, he goes to the bathroom, pees in the glass and gives it to the guy. The guy takes
the glass, takes a sip, lets it
roll in his mouth, swallows it and says: "Well, this is a hard one."

Then he takes another sip and says: "Heineken, but someone has drunk it before."

Lotsa blonde jokes recently

Two blondes walk into the bar....You'd think one of them would of seen it?

Price for love

A man walks into a bar and starts pouring down the beers. Burp. Having had one too
many, the man was
beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he
whispered to her, "Hey !
How about it babe? You and me?"

As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the
money, but I don't have an
extra two dollars."

She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the
inch?"

from EricML

Cock a doodle do

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a triple martini. The bartender says
"What a coincidence, The only
other person at the bar is that beautiful woman at the other end. She is also drinking
triple martinis."

After a few sips of his drink, the man walks up to the woman and says, "Isn't it a
coincidence that we are both
having the same drink."

She replies "Yes! I am here because I am celebrating. After 20 years of trying I am
finally pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," the man replied. "I am also celebrating. After years of
experimenting, I have invented a
multicolored chicken."

At this, the woman asked "How did you ever accomplish that!?"

"I had to try a lot of different cocks," he said.

The woman replied "What a coincidence!!!!"

from EricML

Against the Law-yers

A man stomps into a bar, obviously angry. He growls at the bartender, "Gimme a
beer", takes a slug, and shouts
out, "All lawyers are assholes!"

A guy at the other end of the bar retorts, "You take that back!"

The angry man snarls, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

The guy replies, "No, I'm an asshole!"

from EricML

Baby, you can drive my car

A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to the guy: "Mate, you've got a steering
wheel down your pants."

The guy replies "Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!"

Coming out of his shell

A man walks into a bar holding a 25 lb. turtle, whips his penis out, and holds the turtle
to it. The turtle bites down
and then the man pokes the turtle in the eye and it lets go. He looks around the bar and
says "Now is anyone
brave enough to try that?"

Then this queer stands up in the back and says "I will if you promise not to poke my
eyes out."

But she's smart enough to get up there

Why did the blonde get on the roof of the bar??

She heard drinks were on the house.

Pun Intended

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Man, I'm dying to have sex in the
worst way."

So the bartender says, "Well, the worst way I know of is standing up in a hammock."

from Ray C.

In a row???

These two guys walk into a bar and start taking shots of whiskey. After about four
shots they start disputing over
who has the larger penis. They decide to whip them out onto the bar.

About that time a gay guy comes walking right up between them. He say's to the
bartender "I'll have the chicken
wings," then looking down at the bar turns to the bartender again and say's
"Nevermind... I'll just have the buffet!"

from Jacob Kaufman

Oh Shit

A man walks into a bar and slips on a big pile of shit all the way up to the bar. The bar
man says "Sorry pal, I've
been trying to clean that up all week but it won't budge, what 'll it be?" The man
orders his drink and thinks nothing
of his misfortune.

A second man walks into the bar and again, slips on the pile of shit, skidding up to the
bar. The first man casually
looks at him and says "I did that five minutes ago", So the second man turns round and
punches his lights out.

from Dominic Smithies

Whassa Tarmac?

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and
one for the road."

from Dominic Smithies and Cris

Dog Days

A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey
barkeep, it's my birthday today.
How 'bout a free drink?"

The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down
the hall."

from Gary Philips

Cowboy Poet

There was a Chinese bartender. One day a white man comes into the bar and orders a
coke the Chinese man says
"Me Chinese. Me play joke. Me PP in your coke." The next day a black man comes in
and orders a coke. The
Chinese man says the same thing to the black man. The next day a cowboy comes in
andorders a coke and the
Chinese man says the same thing but this time the cowboy says "Me cowboy. Me
shoot fast. Me put bullet up
your ASS."

Anniversary Adversaries

Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one
was a Biker. After a sip
of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife
a diamond ring and a new
Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the
Mercedes, and she will know
that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my
wife a string of pearls and a
trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the
trip, and she would know that
I love her."

The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary,
I got my old lady a tee-shirt
and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself."

Mourning Blonde

A blonde waitress goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, the
bartender, concerned about all
his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the
blonde replies....."Early this
morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling
very sorry at this point,
explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly
busy. Just take the day off to
relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states......"No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind
off it and I have the best
chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as
usual...."if you need anything, just let
me know."

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over
his office and sees the
blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are
you gonna be ok??"

"No......" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER
mom died too!!"

Animal Control

A bum walks into a bar carrying an old crank organ. He starts to grind out a tune while
his little monkey starts pan
handling the patrons with his little cup. Then he jumps on the bartenders shoulder and
starts poking his little penis in
the bartenders ear. Try as he may the bartender can't get the monkey loose. The
bartender goes over to the bum
who is still cranking away and says "Hey! Do you know your monkey is screwing my
god damn ear!"

The bum replies "No, but if you'll hum a few bars..."

Friendly Confines

A man goes to work on a remote island in the middle of the pacific, and he has a walk
about to find a bar. He
goes in and he notices that there are no women about. He says to the barman "I'll have
a beer please, and by the
way where are all the women?"

The barman replies "There never has been any women on this island and there never
will be!, but there's Roger out
the back if you want."

The man says, "No sorry, mate. I'm not that way inclined"

Six months pass and he goes in for a beer a again, and he says to the barman, "I'll have
a beer please, and by the
way where are all the women?"

The barman replies, "There never has been any women on this island and there never
will be!, but there's Roger
out the back if you want."

The man thinks about it for a while and says "no sorry mate i'm not that way inclined"

After a year the bloke is absolutely gagging for a shag and he goes down to the local
and He says to the barman
"I'll have a beer please, and by the way where are all the women?"

The barman replies, "There never has been any women on this island and there never
will be!, but there's Roger
out the back if you want."

The bloke says to him "If I go out the back with roger how many people will find
out?"

The barman says "seven."

He replies "SEVEN?? How the fuck do you work that out!"

He says "Well there'd be me, you, roger and the four blokes holding him down cos he's
not that way inclined
either!"

Bucking the System

So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "Get outa here! We don't serve your type. This is a singles bar."

An apple a day

A guy goes into a bar and says, "Gimme a gin and tonic." The bartender reaches under
the bar and places an apple
on it. The guys looks and the apple skeptically and the bartender says, "Go ahead.
Take a bite." The guy takes a
bite and incredibly, it tastes like gin. The bartender smiles and says, "Turn it around."
He does and it tastes like
tonic. He finishes the apple.

A few minutes pass and the guy says, "Gimme a vodka and orange juice." The
bartender once again reaches
behind the bar and places another apple on it. The guy eyes the suspicious fruit and
the bartender says, "Go ahead.
Take a bite." He bites into it and he can't believe it. It tastes like vodka. The bartender
smiles and says, "Turn it
around." The guys turns the apple and it tastes like orange juice, so he finishes the
apple.

Just then, a beautiful woman walks past the two men and the guy says to the
bartender, "You know, I could sure
go for some pussy about now." The bartender nods, reaches below the bar and
produces yet another apple. The
guys says, "No way man." The bartender says, "Go ahead. Take a bite."

He takes a bite and angrily spits out the apple. "Yuck!! That tastes like shit, man!!!"
The bartender smiles and
says, "Turn it around."

Three mice are sitting in a bar

The first mouse takes a swig of his beer and says, "I am a bad-ass mouse; I'm so tough
that in my neighborhood
we have these big mouse traps. I walk up to them, grab the cheese, catch the bar and
press it up and down with
one arm while I eat the cheese. I'm a bad ass mouse."

The second mouse takes a couple swigs of his beer and says, "Thats nothin'. In my
heighborhood we have that rat
poisin shit, and I grab it and eat, throw it in my water, gargle it. It ain't nothin. I am a
bad ass mouse."

The third mouse slams his beer, gets up and starts walking away. The other two look
at him and say, "Where are
you going?"

The third mouse looks at the other two and says, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."

I've fallen and I can't get up

A man walks in to a bar and orders a drink. He looks down the bar and sees another
piss drunk man keep falling
off his stool. The man finishes his drink watching the other man try to get back up on
the stool. Feeling sorry for
the drunk, the man tries to stand him up, but the drunk keeps falling. The man thinks
that this drunk needs to be
taken home, so he finds his address in his wallet. On the way to his car, the man had
to practically carry the drunk
man. After finally finding his house, the mancarries the drunk man to the front door.
He rings the doorbell and a
lady answers.

"Ma'am, your husband is drunk, so I decided to give him a lift home."

The woman replies, "Thank you sir, but I have one question... Where's his
wheelchair?"

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Page Updated Sun Jun 6, 1999 3:20pm EDT