Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/Bar_Jokes

Truth and consequences

Two men walk into a bar both wearing long faces. The bartender asks the first man,
"Why the long faces?"

The first man replied, "Well, my wife and I went out to dinner the other night and we
had a gorgeous waitress.
When I pointed to the menu to tell her what I wanted I said, 'I'd like a tit of bat,' but
what I meant to say was, 'I'd
like a bit of that!'

The bartender says, "Oh. How 'bout you, buddy?" he asked the other man.

"My wife and I were eating breakfast and I meant to say, 'Please pass the butter,' but it
came out, 'You ruined my
life bitch!'"

Stumbling fool

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the
bartender says, "No way buddy
you're too drunk."

A few minutes later the drunk comes in throught the bathrooms, again he slurs "give
me a drink", bartender says
"No man I told you last time you're too drunk"

Five minutes later the guy comes in throught the back door and orders a drink, again
the bartender says "You're
too drunk"

the drunk scratches his head and says "Damn I must be... the last two places said the
same thing."

Duck Duck Pig

A lady walks into a bar with a duck under each arm. The bartender says,"Hey! you
can't bring that pig in here!"

The lady says,"It's not a pig, they're ducks."

"I was talking to the ducks!"

Handy situation

This guys walks into a bar and orders two beers. He pounds one and pours the other
on his right hand. Promptly
he orders two more. Pounding one, he pours the other on his right hand. Now the
barternder is looking at this guy
kinda funny like. The guy orders two more beers and the bartender says, "Mister why
you drinking one of them
beers and pouring the other on you hand?"

The guy replies, "Because I want my date to be as drunk as I am."

from KROB

Days of our lives

A man walks into a bar with a pie on his head. He orders a beer.

The bartender asks "Why have you got a pie on your head?"

The man replies "It's Wednesday isn't it?"

"No it's Tuesday."

"Agh no!! I must look like a right pratt then!!"

from Jim

Making friends

A dwarf sits on the balcony of the bar and starts yelling to everyone in the house that
he is MACHO, that he is the
toughest guy around. So he orders the hardest drink the bartender has. The first drink
comes up, and he swallows
it. The second drink comes up, and gone! The third, the fourth... All along he's yelling
how tough he is.

Then a big black eight foot tall guy walks in and says: "Come with me." They go to
the bathroom and the big guy
fucks the dwarf.

The dwarf freaks out: "Oh my God, what am I going to do! What's everybody gonna
think of me?"

"Don't worry"- says the big guy - " You can go around and say that YOU did it."

The next day the dwarf is back at the bar. He sits down and start his old yelling again.
Another dwarf shows up,
and sits by him. "I am the toughtest guy in here!"

"No, I am the toughest!

So the argument goes on. So they decided to order some drinks to end the argument.
After the sixth drink, the big
black guy enters in. The first dwarf turns around and say: "See that big guy?"

"Yeah."

"I fucked him."

The second dwarfs looks at the friends eyes and say: "So did I. Shall we run?"

Keeping her abreast

This lady walks into a bar (shes already had too much to drink). She says to the
bartender "cartunner, give me a
martunny." So he gives her one. She drinks that down and ask for another. He gives
her one and she drinks that
one. Well, about an hour later she sittin' there and she says "Cartunner, boy do I have
heart burn."

By then he's getting fed up with her. "Lady, first of all it's not a martunny, it's a
martini. I'm not cartunner, I'm
bartender. And you don't have heartburn. Your boob is in the ashtray!"

Clowning around

Two cannibals walk into a bar. They sit down next to a clown. The first one says "I
really hate clowns and I'm
hungry."

The second agrees with him and suggests they share him. Cannibal one starts at the
feet and the second starts on
his head. After about 2 minutes of knawing on the clown the second cannibal asks
"How are you doing?"

The first cannibal replies "I'm having a ball!"

To which the second screams "Slow down! You're going to fast!"

from E. Nigma

Start your mornings off right

Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

Just barely qualifies as a bar joke, but funny

This guy walks into a bar and sees a lady sitting by herself. He goes over and buys her
and drink and they chat a
while and he leaves with her to go to her place. They are in the middle of having a
good time when he hears a
noise at the door and she says "It's my husband home for lunch... quick, hide in the
closet!" So he does.

He's standing in the closet when he hears this small voice... "Gee, it's dark in here". He
looks around trying to find
out where it came from when he hears it again... "Gee, it's dark in here..."

So he quickly whispers "Shhhh, who are you?"

The little voice says "That's my mommy and daddy out there, gee, it's dark in here, I'm
scared, I'm gonna scream."

The man whispers back "no, PLEASE don't scream. I'll give you five dollars if you
don't scream."

The little boy answers "gee, it's dark in here, I'm pretty scared, I'm gonna scream..."

"I'll give you ten dollars if you don't scream."

"Gee, it's dark in here, I'm REALLY scared, I'm gonna scream..."

The guy says "look kid, here's FIFTY dollars, it's all I have, don't scream."

"Ok."

So the guy waits in the closet till he hears the husband finish lunch and as soon as he
hears the door close he runs
out of the closet and jumps out the window and runs down the street.

SO...

Later that afternoon, the lady is out shopping with her son at the mall when he sees a
bike in the toy store window
and says to his mom "Gee, I'd REALLY like that bike."

"Sorry hon, I can't afford to buy you a bike."

And the kid says "That's ok, I can buy it myself, I have fifty dollars"

She pulls him aside and asks him "WHERE did you get fifty dollars?"

"I'll never tell."

"You BETTER tell me where you got that money."

"I'll never tell."

"You must have done something bad to get that money. I'm taking you to church and
you can tell the priest how
you got that money in confession." So she does.

SO...

The little boy is in the confessional and the door closes and he says "Gee, it's dark in
here..."

And the priest answers "now let's not start THAT shit again..."

from Greenman

Watch where you crap

Two drunks went into a bar and had a few beers. One got up and went into the john
while the other remained at
the bar talking to the bartender. All of a sudden there was a loud scream coming from
the john. The drunk at the
bar said to the bartender that it sounder like his partner screaming, so he went into the
john to investigate. He went
inside and asked his friend what the problem was. His friend said that everytime he
flushed the toilet something
reached up and squeezed his balls. His friend shook his head and said,"You dumbass,
you're sitting on the mop
bucket!"

Setting the record straight
Substitute the name of the last guy for a buddy

3 guys are in a bar.....

1st guy looks at the bartender and says give me an MGD....

The bartender hands him the drink and exclaims, "You have the smallest hands I have
ever seen in my whole life!!!
I bet those are the smallest hands in the world. You should go to the Guiness Book Of
World Records and get in
it for the smallest hands in the world."

The man thanks him for the tip and says that he will go down first thing in the
morning.

The 2nd man overhearing the conversation buts in and says, "Well I have really small
feet." He takes off his shoe
and puts his foot on the bar.

The bartender looks and says, "Those are the smallest feet I have ever seen in my
whole life!!! I bet those are the
smallest feet in the world. You should go to the Guiness Book Of World Records and
get in it for the smallest feet
in the world."

Not too long after the 3rd man says well I have a really small dick. He unzips his pants
and whips it out.

Again the bartender says, "You have a tiny dick. I bet that is the smallest dick in the
world. You should go to the
Guiness Book Of World Records and get in it for the smallest dick."

So the 3 men go to the guiness book and apply for there records and return to the bar.
The bartender asks,
"How'd it go?" The first man replies, "It is great!!! I have the smallest hands in the
world."

Second man says, "Yeah and I have the smallest feet." The third man is quiet and the
bartender asks him if he is
alright. The man replies with a puzzled look on his face, "I'm fine, I just wish I knew
who this guy named Jeromeo
is!!!"

from Jeromeo

Sign of the times

A sign over the men's toilet at the bar reads: "We aim to please - you aim too please."

Lucky Strike

A man walks into a bar and the bartender said "Hey George, how about a beer."

George replies "Yeah I'll take one, but call me Lucky."

"Why call you Lucky?"

"Well, I was changing a flat on the highway, when I reliezed I had forgot something in
the car. Right after I walk
away, a semi drives by and knocks the car right off the jack. Would of landed right on
me."

"Boy you are lucky."

The next day George walks back into the bar and the bartender said "Hey Lucky, how
about a beer."

"Yeah I'll take one, but call me Lucky Lucky."

"Now what happened?"

"Well, me and my old lady was having sex last night, when the guy downstairs got
mad, because of the noise and
shot his gun off and the bullet got me right in the nuts."

"Wait a minute, how is that Lucky?"

"A minute earlier he would have got me right between the eyes".

Change is not always good

Drunk walks into the bar. Tells the bartender he has to go to the bathroom. Bartender
points the way, and the
drunk staggers off into the can. Comes back a few seconds later, "Hey", he shouts,
"Dar ain't no toilet paper in dat
bathroom!"

Bartender says "Well, I suggest you use a dollar."

Drunk says "Hey good idea" and staggers back into the can.

Drunk was in there for a long time. When he finally returns, both hands are covered in
shit right up to the elbows.

"What happened to you?" asks the bartender.

"Hell" answers the drunk, "you ever try wiping you ass with three quarters, two dimes
and a nickel?"

An old favorite told new

Guy walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender. Reaching into his pants pocket, we
pulls out a hundred dollar
bill. "Set up everybody in the place!" he shouts. The bartender obliges.

Suddenly, a little man jumps out of the guy's pocket, runs down the bar, and kicks all
of the drinks, smokes,
change, etc on the floor. He runs back and jumps back into the guys pocket.

Bartender asks whats going on. The guy just reaches back into his pants pocket, pulls
out another hundred, and
says "just set everybody up again." Bartender obliges once more, suspiciously
watching the guy. Once more the
little man appears from the guys shirt pocket. Runs down the bar, breaks the glasses,
pitches the napkins into the
air, etc. Runs back and jumps into the shirt pocket again. This time the guy buttons the
pocket. Bartender says
"explain yourself, or leave."

Guy says "Well....I was walking down the beach one day, and ran across a bottle in the
sand. Turns out there is a
Genie in the bottle. Gave me 3 wishes! So first wish was to never run out of cash
again. Now every time I reach
into my pants pocket there is a hundred dollar bill! Second wish was to never be
lonely again. Went back to my
apartment and there waiting for me were 3 of the most beatuiful supermodels you
have ever seen, all willing to do
whatever I desired from them!"

"Third wish...I wished for a 6 inch prick, and THIS IS THE LITTLE BASTARD I
GOT!!!"

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Page Updated Sun Jun 6, 1999 3:18pm EDT