Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/Bar_Jokes

Drinking buddies

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then
watches the guy go through
a peculiar ritual. "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says
the word he drinks the
beer. Then he pays and walks out.

One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender
watches him go through the same
ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.

"Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our
birthdays on the same day.
We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local
pub and have a round of
drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18"

The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a
bit taken aback, places
two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!"

The bartender asks "so which one died?"

"No one."

"But you only ordered two drinks!"

"Yeah, well, I've given up drinking."

Cables can be trouble

So two jumper cables walk into a bar. Bartender says, "You guys better not start
anything in here."

Hard questions

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leans over
to her and asks if she would
like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she
politely declines and rolls
over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He
explains: "I ask you a question,
and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you
pay me $5, and if I don't
know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will
easily win the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this
torment unless she plays, she
agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and
hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs,
and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the
digital cellphone via infra-red
wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of
Congress. Frustrated, he sends
E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then
some. All to no avail. After
over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the
$50 and turns away to get
back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so
what IS the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back
to sleep.

Insult to injury

Two guys walk into a bar. One has to get stitches.

Horse sense

An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their
camp to meet the chief. The
chief says to the cowboy, "You going die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish
a day for three days. At
sundown third day, you die. What first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The indians get his horse. The cowboy
grabs the horse's ear and
whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours
later, the horse comesback
with a naked blonde.

She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at
each other, figuring,
"Typical white man... only think one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What
wish today?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy leans over to the
horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours
later, the horse comes back
with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man going die tomorrow ...
can only think one thing." The
last day comes, and the chief says, "This last wish, white man. What want?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse
by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips you idiot! POSSE, damn it!
P-O-S-S-E!"

A close call

A Pollock walks into a bar as the bartender turns away in disgust from seeing the pile
of shit the Pollock is holding.
"Hey Harry---Look what I almost stepped in!"

Bar flies

An Englishman, American, and Irishman, all walk into a bar and order a beer. The
bartender hands them there
beer, however there are flies in each mug of beer. Well the Englishman pushes the
beer aside and says, "That's
disgusting." The American pulls the fly out and starts drinking the beer. The Irishman
pulls the fly out, sets it out the
counter and shouts, "SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!"

Death becomes nerd

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops in a bar for a beer. As
he approaches the bar he
sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR
OWN RISK!" He goes in
and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what
he does for a living. The
truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is
hauling. The bartender says OK,
truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around hisglasses, a pocket
protector with twelve kinds
of pens and pencils, and belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a
word, pulls out a shotgun and
blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds
are over-populating the
Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the
truck driver finishes his beer,
gets back in his truck, And heads back onto the freeway.

Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks
open and computers spill out
all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the
computers. They are all
engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever
seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he
pulls out his gun and starts
blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at
him to stop. The truck driver
said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure." said the
patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

At least it starts in a bar

So there's this guy who meets a girl in a bar. They talk most of the night and arrange
to get together the next night
for a date. He tells her he'll come by about 7 on his motorcycle that he's buying
tomorrow.

So he goes and buys this bike, but it's an older bike. The guy he's buying it from tells
him to get some Vaseline to
put on the points when it rains to keep them from rusting, so he stops at the drug store
on the way to this girls
house and gets some Vaseline.

He gets to the girls house and is invited in to dinner with her parents and younger
sister. His date tells him "We
have a rule in this house. Whoever talks first at dinner has to do ALL the dishes." He
looks around and there are
dishes piled EVERYWHERE, ceiling to floor, new dishes in the shelves cause they
buy new ones because no one
has talked at dinner for several years. He's thinking "Damn. I gotta make somebody
talk, or I'm gonna get stuck
doing all these dishes."

They get to the dinner table and he's trying to think of how to make somebody talk.
So, he reaches over and starts
playing with his dates panties under the table. Her dad sees this, and is obviously
pissed off, but doesn't say a
word. (He doesn't want to do these dishes.) Seeing this isn't working, he picks his date
up and lays her up on the
table, rips her panties off, and starts fuckin. Dad's REAL pissed off now, but still
doesn't say anything.

He's thinkin, "Hmmm. Try something else." So he grabs Mom, tosses her up on the
table, goes to work. Dad's
mad as HELL now, but still doesn't say anything. This guys gettin desperate, so he
grabs little sister.....tosses her
up on the table. Dad's REAL pissed off now, looking around the room, trying to find
his shotgun.....still not a
word, though.

Just then, there's this big clap of thunder outside. The guy remembers the points on the
bike, and it's about to rain.
He jumps up, grabs the Vaseline. Moving towards the door, he accidently makes eye
contact with the Dad. Dad's
eyes get big, and he stands up and says, "ALRIGHT!!! I'll do the damn dishes."

from CBJones

Have it your way

A guy walks into a bar, he notices a sign behind the bar saying, "Hamburger $2.50,
Cheese Burger $3.50, Hand
job $20." He looks around and sees the Bar maid, he flags her over. This lady is
dressed in a very short, low cut
skirt. In fact this dress is so small it almost doesn't cover her. He asks her if that sign is
true. She says, "Yes I
personally hand deliver everything on that list." Then she gives him a wink. He says,
"Good, go wash your hands
and get me a cheese burger!"

Scent of a woman

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a pretty woman. He orders a drink and
turns to her.

Guy: "Can I smell your pussy."

Woman: "Absolutely not!"

Guy: "Oh, it must be your feet".

I have it under control, Kemosabi

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking when in walks a cowboy who
yells, "Who's white horse it
that outside?"

The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and
says, "It's my horse. Why do
you want to know?"

The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun
and he don't look too good."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape,
suffering from head exhaustion.
The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then
pours some of the water
over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink. It is then he notices that there isn't
a breeze so he asks Tonto if
he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him
down. Being a faithful friend,
Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then
realizes there is not much more he
can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.

After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"

Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with
him now?"

"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun
running."

Stating the facts

A Californian, a Texan, and a Coloradoan, attending a convention in a little town just
outside Las Vegas, were
standing in a seedy bar enjoying a few drinks.

The Californian grabbed his wine spritzer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw
the glass against the back
wall, smashing it to pieces. He told the other startled drinkers that the standard of
living was so high in California
that they never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Texan finished drinking his Margarita, and threw HIS glass against the back
wall. He loudly proclaimed
that in Texas not only were they all are rich from oil, but they had so much sand that
glass was cheap and he too
never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Coloradoan drank his beer, drew a revolver, and shot the Californian and the
Texan. As he was returning
the gun to his holster, he told the wide-eyed bartender that in Colorado they had so
many Texans and Californians
that they never had to drink with the same ones twice.

The bear facts

This bear walks into this bar and asks the bartender to get him a pint of beer so the
bartender thinks that "Well this
is a mean looking bear so I better not piss him off." So the bartender gets the bear his
pint and says to the bear
that it will cost him $15.99 so the bear gives the bartender a 20 dollar bill and the
bartender thinks "Well I better
not try to rip this bear off." So he gives the bear back the proper change so time passes
and later the bartender
wants to start a conversation with the bear so he goes up to him and says "You know
we don't really get too many
bears in here." Then the bear says "Well for $15.99 a pint I can see why!.

from Lee Catling

Another wish comes true

This bloke, a cat and an ostrich walked into a bar. They all sit down and the bloke
orders three pints and pays for
them. When they've finished these the ostrich calls the barman over and orders
another three pints. Once they've
downed these the bloke tells the cat, "It's your round - get them in" and the cat
immediately tells him to fuck off.

The barman is intrigued by this strange trio and asks the bloke about his companions.
"Well its strange really, but I
found this lamp and a genie popped out and gave me three wishes and those two are
the result."

"What?", says the barman, "You wished for a fucking cat that doesn't buy its round
and an ostrich?!!"

"No. What I actually asked for was a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."

...here's the American translation...

Guy walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. He orders a pint of beer, the ostrich
says "I'll have a pint, too", and
the cat says "I'll have a half pint... but I'm NOT PAYING!"

Barkeep puts down the drinks, says it'll be $3.40, and the guy reaches into his pocket,
grabs all the money he has,
slaps it down on the bar, and it's exactly $3.40. The barkeep thinks this is a bit odd,
but says nothing.

Later, the barkeep comes back for a second round, the guy orders a tall scotch, and the
ostrich orders the same.
The cat says, "I'll have a short scotch and water... but I'm NOT PAYING!" Barkeep
says that'll be $5.55, the guy
puts his hand in his pocket, grabs all the money he has, slaps it down on the bar, and
it's exactly $5.55. By now
the barkeep is intrigued.

"Hey," he says, "how come every time I tell you your tab you come up with exact
change without even looking?"

"Well," the guy says, "I once saved the life of an old witch, and as a reward she gave
me two wishes. I thought
about the first one long and hard, and wished that every time I buy something, all I
have to do is reach into my
pocket and I'll come up with exact change to pay for it."

"Wow!" says the barkeep. "That's brilliant! Most people would just wish for a million
bucks and blow it all in a
couple of months, but for the rest of your life you'll always be able to pay for whatever
you want, from a candy bar
to a Rolls Royce! What about your second wish?"

"Well," says the guy sheepishly, "I didn't think that one through, I'm afraid. I wished
for a chick with long legs and a
tight pussy."

Excuses excuses

A guy walks into a bar looking real down in the dumps. The bartender notices this and
asks the guy what is wrong.
"My wife told me if I ever come home drunk again, she was going to divorce me." The
bartender tells the guy he
has nothing to worry about, it was probably just a threat. The guy agrees with the
bartender and proceeds to get
drunk. After more shots of rum and tequila than he can count, the man is sitting with
his face down at the bar and
pukes all over his shirt. after realizing what he had done, the man starts to panic.
"What am I going to do? My wife
is going to kick me out of the house and take everything I've got." The bartender calms
him down and tells him to
stick a $20 bill in his shirt pocket and tell his wife it was some other drunk who puked
all over him and he gave
him the twenty to cover the shirt. After a couple cups of coffee the guy drives home to
find his wife packing her
bags. He starts to explain what happened to his shirt and he pulls out two $20 bills to
show his wife. Wondering
why the man gave her husband $40, the wife asks, "What's the other $20 bill for?" the
husband replies, "he shit in
my pants too."

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Page Updated Sun Jun 6, 1999 3:07pm EDT