Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/Bar_Jokes

Joke 18

A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe and says, "A beer for me, and one for the giraffe, please." So they proceed to drink. Then: "...a shot for me and one for the giraffe, too" And they keep drinking all evening. Finally the giraffe passes out on the floor of the bar. The guy pays the tab and gets up to leave. The bartender shouts out, "Hey! You're not going to leave that lying on the floor, are you?" "That's not a lion... it's a giraffe."

Joke 19

Jesus Christ walks into a bar, slams three nails down onto the counter and says to the bartender, "Can you put me up for the night?"

Joke 20

Two gay guys walking past a funeral home one says to the other "Do you want to go inside and suck down a couple cold ones."

Joke 21

Once a guy walked into a bar with a cork shoved up his butt. Bartender asks him how that happended and he says, "Well I was walking along the beach and I found a magic lamp. I picked it up to brush it off and when I started to rub it a genie popped out. He told me I had 3 wishes and I said 'No shit!!!!'"

Joke 22

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre...........so the barman gave her one!

Joke 23

Two donkeys walk into a bar and the first donkey says to the bartender "I'll have a pint of Bud please" and the second donkey says "hee haw, hee haw, he always orders that"

Joke 24

Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter. The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?" "A genie from a bottle granted me one wish." "Great, can I try it?" "Sure." First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie." The guy says, "I want a million bucks!" "Done" says the genie and disappears. A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door. "I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"

Joke 25

These three guys walk up to a bar and are greated by a woman. The woman says that in order for them to be able to get into the bar the lengths of their dicks must add up to a foot. The first guy whips his out and she measures it at 6 in. The next guy wips his out and she measures it at 5 inches. The last guy takes his out and she measures it at 1 in. After they come out of the bar the first guy states how lucky they are that he had such a long dick. The second guy says the same thing. The third guy says that the other two should be especially grateful that he had a boner.

Joke 26

One night, while tending bar, the bartender notices this hideous looking fella at the far end of the bar with several hot women around him. Finally, the bartender's curiosity gets the best of him, and he walks down to where the ugly man is. The bartender says, "Please don't get offended when I tell you this, but I couldn't help noticing you have several beautiful women hanging all over you, and, forgive me, but you are not exactly the most handsome person I've ever seen. In fact, you're quite ugly. Now, normally, I would think these ladies are attracted to you because of your money, but I can tell by the way you're dressed and the fact that they are buying YOU drinks, it's not the money. Tell me, sir, what is it about you that these women are so crazy about?" The man paused a moment, licked his eyebrows, and said, "I haven't the foggiest idea."

Joke 27

A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here...where you from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender asks, "Whatchu do up in Pennsylvania?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist...what the hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says, "I mount dead animals." The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us."

Joke 28

A vagrant walks into a bar and is told by the bartender to get out! The vagrant asks for a cocktail stick and he will leave, to which the bartender obliges. A moment later another Vagrant walks in to the bar and again the bartender tells this one to leave. The vagrant asks for a cocktail stick and he will leave, to which the bartender obliges. A third vagrant walks into the bar and this time the bartender offers him a cocktail stick to leave. However the vagrant declines the offer and asks for a drinking straw. The bartender inquires to why the Vagrant wants a drinking straw when the other two wanted cocktail sticks? The vagrant replies, 'well someone was sick outside and all the lumpy bits are gone!'

Joke 29

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, I'm Jesus Christ." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest replies, "No, son, I'm Jesus Christ." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." and walks back into the bar with the priests. The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

Joke 30

A guy sees a pretty lady at the end of the bar and is interested in buying her a drink. He tells the bartender that he will buy her another of whatever she is drinking. The bartender says "OK, I'll pour it for her. But just for your information, she's a hooker. She'll do what you want for money." The drink gets delivered and the woman makes eyes at the guy, inviting him over. After a couple of minutes of chatting, the guy gets up the nerve to ask her: "The artender says you're a hooker, is that true?" The woman says "Yes. I do it for the money. In fact, I'll do anything for $200." The guy thinks for a minute and then pulls out $200, gives it to her and says "Paint my house."

Joke 31

There's these 3 girls (blonde, brunette and redhead) who walk into a bar and then a cop comes in a relized they were all under age so they all bolted. They ran into an alley where there were 3 trash bags...then the police come and the officer kicks the first one (where the brunette as) and she says "meow" and the officer says "oh it's just a bunch of cats" then he kicks the next one where the red haired girl was hiding and she says "woof woof" and the officer says "it's only a bunch of dogs" then he kicks then last bag where the blonde is hiding and she says "potato's potato's."

Joke 32

This American lady comes to a small town in Ireland on holidays, she goes into a bar where four men are sitting drinking and asks the barman to give her a pint of what the locals drink, so the barman says fair enough its your call. So she downs the pint, falls flat on her face and is out for the count. The four lads look down and say, "Jesus she's a bit of stuff, I wouldn't mind having some fun with her." So the four lads pick her up, find her apartment key, strip her naked and shag her senseless. The next day there's about 20 lads in the pub, in she walks and says to the barman "a pint of what the locals drink please" no problem he says, so she downs it, falls flat on her face, out for the count again. All 20 bring her back and have their way with her. By this stage the whole town has heard, so the next day the pub is full to capacity waiting for her. So in she walks and goes up to the bar, the barman says "a pint of what the locals drink is it?" She says "No, give us a pint of Heineken, that other stuff was ripping the cunt off me."

Joke 33

This alligator decides to get out of the hot sun of the mangrove swamp one day, so he walks into town to find a cool, dark place to rest. He finds a bar that's nice and dark and walks right in. He finds a stool at the end of the bar, sits down and relaxes. The bartender puts down a glass he's been polishing, walks over to the 'gator, looks him up and down then asks, "What'll ya have today?" The alligator thinks about it and orders a scotch, straight up. The bartender walks off to get the drink and the 'gator looks around the bar to see what kind of a joint he's in. He notices that except for himself and the bartender, the only other person in the bar is an ugly, mean looking old biker chick sitting at the other end of the bar. The bartender brings him the scotch, and the 'gator shoots it down. Then all of a sudden the 'gator's stomach rumbles, and he remembers that he hasn't eaten for about three weeks. He asks the bartender, "You got any food here?" The bartender says no and suggests another drink, instead. The gator agrees, and the bartender walks off. While the alligator's waiting for the bartender to bring his next drink, he starts to dwell on how hungry he is. The more he thinks about it, the worse his hunger gets. He looks at the old biker chick again and thinks to himself, "I bet nobody'd miss her if she disappeared, and she can't taste any worse than drunk fisherman..." He starts to slip off his stool just as the bartender comes back with his new drink. The 'gator stops, sits back down and takes his drink. He sips it and asks the bartender, "So like, is that lady down there waiting for anyone? She looks like she's been here for a while..." The bartender glances at the woman like he's just noticed her for the first time and says, "Naw. She's always in here, just sittin' there talkin' to herself and swearing. Nobody ever pays any attention to her, 'cause she's so ornery. In fact, I'd pretty much forgotten about her." The 'gator's eyes light up and he licks his huge, smelly yellow teeth. "Say," he says to the bartender, "I'm so hungry, I'm gonna go down there and eat her right up!" The bartender gets alarmed by the 'gator's announcement and tells him, "No, wait! Don't do it! I really think you should reconsider and eat something else later-- maybe down at the diner. Here, I'll even fix you another drink, on the house. Besides, you wouldn't like eating her-- she's so tough and mean, she's gotta taste terrible!" The 'gator thinks about all this and finally says, "Yeah, alright. I suppose I've waited this long to eat, another hour or so won't kill me..." But the new drink just seems to make the alligator all the more hungry and determined to make the lady his lunch. The bartender argues with him three more times, fixes him more and bigger drinks on the house and desperately tries every trick he knows about controlling drunks to keep the alligator from eating the lady on the stool. But all of a sudden the 'gator slips off the stool and-- before the bartender can stop him another time-- thrashes down to the other end of the bar, tears the woman from her stool and eats her right down in three horrible bites, bones and all. The 'gator takes a deep breath, belches and sighs contentedly. He climbs up on the stool the lady was most recently sitting in and is about to order an after dinner drink when he notices that his ears are ringing, the room is spinning and he can't feel his head! His eyes roll up into their sockets and the 'gator pitches off the stool: he passes out, stone cold on the floor. The next thing the 'gator knows, he's looking up at the spinning, worried face of the bartender. The bartender's slapping him and throwing cold water in his muzzle. Slowly, painfully and in nausea the 'gator regains complete consciousness. He sits up, sways a bit and then steadies himself on the barstool. He looks at the concerned bartender and asks, "What happened to me? I feel like warm shit on a cold beach..." The bartender says, "It was the lady. I told you and told you, 'don't eat her,' but you just wouldn't listen to me!" The 'gator thinks about this and asks, "But what was wrong with her? I've eaten dozens of folks and none of them have ever had that affect on me." The bartender looks at the 'gator sternly, shakes his head and say, "Well maybe you've learned a lesson today, and next time you'll be a little more careful about what you mix with your drinking: you're lucky to be alive, that's all I have to say about it." The 'gator still looks confused, so the bartender says to him, "By christ, man, don't you know anything? You passed out because after all those drinks you had, that was the bar bitch you ate!"

Joke 34

There are 2 men sitting in a bar and they are drinking their beers when one of the men looks to the end of the bar and realizes that Neil Armstrong is sitting at the end of the bar. After some debate amongst themselves whether the man is Armstrong or not, one of the men gathers up the nerve to go up to the man and ask if indeed he is the American Icon. He gets to the end of the bar and asks, "excuse me sir, I couldn't help but notice that you are Neil Armstrong. Mr. Armstrong replies, "well yes I am how may I help you?" The man states that it was a pleasure to meet him since Neil Armstrong has always been a big idol and role model in his life. Mr. Armstrong thanks him and asks him what he does for a living. "I am a journalist" replies the man. Mr. Armstrong gives a sigh and replies "Oh, Okay." The man continues and asks him if he has a problem with journalists. Mr. Armstrong says no but states that reporters and the media had misquoted him on his moon walk statement. The man asks him what he means. Mr. Armstrong replies, you guys reported I said "Once small step for man, one giant step for man kind", but what I really said was "once small step for man, one giant step for Matt Kline." "Who the hell is Matt Kline?" replied the man. "Matt Kline is a good friend of mine ever since we were kids, we went to the same high school, college, we even served in the service at the same time. We where both on the Apollo space program but he didn't make the cut,"\said Armstrong. "Okay" replied the man. "Well one day I was the best man at Matt's wedding and when the reception was over, I noticed that there were some packages left in the banquet room. Not wanting to have the couple go off without all of their gifts, I ran the packages up to their suite. when I got to the door I heard Matt's wife say, 'the day I put that in my mouth will be the day a man walks on the moon!"

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Page Updated Sun Apr 1, 2001 9:27pm EDT