Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/Bar_Jokes

A man walks into a bar one night and asks for 3 drinks. The bartender asks the man what is wrong, to which the man replied, "My oldest son is a homosexual." So the bartender gives him 3 drinks. A few months later the man walks in and asks the bartender for five drinks. Again the bartender asked the man what was wrong. "My second son is a homosexual." The bartender gives him five drinks, and the man goes on his way. Several months later, he walks in again and asks for ten drinks. The bartender again asks what's wrong. "My youngest son just admitted he's homosexual." To which the bartender replied, "My goodness, isn't there anybody in your family that like women?" "Yeah, my wife does."

A man enters a bar and asks the barkeep for a shell, as the barkeep
serves him the man reaches into his coat pocket and places a small piano upon
the bar then out of the other pocket he produces a 12 in high man who begins
to play the piano. The barkeep is amazed and ask where did he get them. The
man answers with the typical gene reply there by the barkeep ask if he still
had the bottle and if so would he sell it? The man answered that he might still
have the bottle and if so the barkeep could have it at no cost, he left and
returned shortly with a old bottle giveing it to the barkeep. The barkeep ran
to the other end of the bar and soon the bar was filled with thousands of ducks
. The barkeep returned to the man complaining that that he wished for 10,000 fucks
not ducks. The man replied

" due you think I wished for a 12 pianist"?

A man goes into a bar and sits down to have a drink. He notices that at the other end
of the bar is the most
attractive woman he has ever seen. He is immediately lust-struck and decides that he
must have her. He leans
over to the bartender and asks if the bartender has any Spanish Fly in the back.

The bartender says he will check and comes back a couple of minutes later with a
small packet of white
powder. He says to the man, "We are all out of Spanish Fly, but this is Jewish Fly,
and it is guaranteed to get
her over here within twenty minutes after she takes it!" The man forks over $10 and
asks the bartender to mix
the Jewish Fly into a champagne cocktail and deliver it to the gorgeous creature with
his compliments.

The woman drinks the champagne cocktail and looks at our hero rather
disinterestedly, but about 20 minutes
later she slinks off her barstool. She saunters across the room in a most seductive
manner, oozing sensuality.
She reaches him and puts one lithe arm around his shoulders and leans in close to his
ear. He can feel her
breath on his neck as she whispers, "Hey big boy ... want to go shopping?"

Man walks into a bar, sez to the bartender, I'll bet you a hunnert
bucks I can bite my right eye. The BT sez sure, go ahead. So the man
pulls out his glass right eye & bites it. The BT pays, pissed off, but
pays

The man sez double or nuthin I can bite my left eye. The BT once
again agrees, and the man pulls out his false teeth and gives a gentle
nip to his left eye. The BT is realy pissed off, but being an honorable
BT, pays.

The man sez, double or nuthin I can stand on the bar at one end and
piss into a glass on the other, and get every drop of piss in the
glass. The BT, down to his last sheckles, agrees, and the man gets up
on the bar and pisses all over the bartender, who is so relieved he is
laughing. The man gives back the money & leaves.

A few minutes later another guy walks into the bar, looks at the
bartender and sez, You know, I just lost a thousand bucks to a guy that
bet me he could piss on your shirt, and you'd smile about it.

A man in a bar put a $10 bill on the bar and said to the bartender, "I'll bet you this
$10 I can make you cry."
The bartender looked at him, at the $10, and said, "How are you going to do that?"
The man said, I'll just talk
to you and make you cry." The bartender said, "I'll take that bet," and put $10 beside
the other man's money.
The man then said, "This might take a few minutes. I have to wait for Boo." The
bartender said, "Boo who?"
He realized immediately that he had been taken and watched as the man picked up
the $20 and left.

The bartender thought a minute and decided to get his $10 back the same way he lost
it. So, when a black
man walked up to the bar, the bartender put $10 on the bar and challenged the black
man just as he had
been challenged. The black man accepted the bet and put his $10 on the bar. The
bartender then said, "This
will take a few minutes. I have to wait for Boo." The black man said, "Who be Boo?"

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to
the store only to find it
closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.

At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of
beers and one thing
leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he
realizes its 3AM and says,
"Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"
She gives him some talcum
powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell
have you been?!?!" "Well,
honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went
to the bar to use the
vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and
one thing led to another
and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his
hands are covered with
powder and...
"You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"

A guy walks into a bar and notices he's the only one there, apart from the barkeep,
who's on the phone. The
barkeep signals him that he'll be with him in a minute. The guy nods and bellies up
to the bar to wait.
Suddenly, he hears a little voice say, "Hey, you're looking pretty sharp today. New
suit?"
The guy looks around but can't see anyone else in the place.
He hears the voice again. "Seriously...you are looking good, chum. Have you lost
weight?"
The guy looks around again and still doesn't see anyone.
"Hello?" he asks. "Is someone speaking to me?"
"You bet! I just had to say that I thought you were looking just super!" A bunch of
other tiny voices suddenly
rose in agreement.
The guy realizes now that these voices are coming from a bowl of beer nuts on the
bar in front of him. He
stares at them as the barkeep finally hangs up and comes to serve his only customer.

"What'll you have?" asks the barkeep.
"What?... Oh, a pint of ale, I guess", mutters the guy, still staring at the nuts.
He finally looks up at the barkeep drawing his pint. "What's the deal with these
nuts?" he asks.
The barkeep brings the guy's pint over and sets it before him.

"They're complimentary", he shrugs.

David walked into a bar, sat down and brought a beer.
The bloke siting next to him looked at him and said "I have a proposion for you".
"Yeah, I'm listening", David replied.
"I have a frog which gives the best head you have ever had and I'm prepared to sell
you five minutes with it
for five bucks, what do you say?"
David paused for a moment before handing the bloke five dollars and saying "What
the hell, I'll give it a go."
The man handed David a small green frog. David took the frog and walked out the
door and into the back
lane.
Five minutes later David returned with a huge grin on his face, he walked straight up
the man and said "That
was fucking awsome. You have to sell me this frog!"
"Ok then, five hundred dollars" the man replied.
"Done" said David.

Later that night David arrived home.
When he entered the room his girlfriend, who was sitting at the kitchen table looked
up and said "How was
your day?"
David placed the frog on the table in front of her and said "Teach this to cook and
clean and get the fuck
out!"

A Sailor walked into a bar, and noticed a horse, in a stall, at one end
of the bar. In a large bucket in front of the stall was a lot of money.
The guy asked, "What's with the horse and money?" THe bartender said,
"Anyone who puts $10 in the bucket and can make the horse laugh, will win
the money."

"Well," the guy said, "that ought to be easy enough." He went over to the
horse, whispered in his ear, and the horse busted out laughing. The sailor
took his money and left.

A few months later the same guy walked into the same bar, and there was
the same horse with the same bucket of money. The guy asked if the deal
was still the same. The bartender said,"No, ever since you were here
last, the horse hasn't stopped laughing, so now the deal is that if you can
make him cry, without touching him, you get the money."

"Well," the guy said, "that's easy too." He walked over to the horse,
entered the stall for a minute, did something, and the horse busted out
crying. The sailor took his money and started to go.

The bartender stopped him and said, "Now wait a minute. first you come
in here and make the horse laugh his head off, now you come in and he's
crying his eyes out. What did you say and do to that horse?"

The sailor replied, "Well the first time, I told him that my dick was
bigger than his. The second time, I showed him!"

"Hey, bartender," says a customer, sitting at the bar. "What kind of
bird is that sitting on the perch?"

"Oh," says Bob the bartender, "that's a Crunchy Bird!"

"I never heard of a Crunchy Bird," says the patron.

"Just watch," says Bob. He takes a newspaper off the bar and throws it
down on the floor, then he turns to the bird and says, "Crunchy Bird, my
paper!" The bird swoops down and attacks the newspaper. He rips it to
shreds until there's nothing left but tiny pieces of confetti.

"Wow," says the customer, "can I try?"

"Be my guest," the bartender replies.

The customer takes off his shoe and puts it on the bar and says,
"Crunchy Bird, my shoe!" The bird flies down off the perch and picks the
shoe up with his beak. He slams the shoe down on the bar and starts
attacking it. In no time, the shoe is reduced to nothing but a few pieces
of leather and a shoelace. Then the bird flies back to his perch behind
the bar.

Suddenly a tough looking guy walks into the bar. He yells, "Gimme a
drink NOW!" He looks around the bar snarling and yells at the patrons,
"What the Hell are you clowns looking at?" The bar is completely silent.

Then the bully notices the bird and says, "What the Hell kind of stupid
looking bird is that?"

"That's a Crunchy Bird," says bartender Bob.

The tough guy laughs and yells, "Crunchy Bird, my eye!"

A man in a bar catches the bartender's attention and presents the following wager:
"I'll bet you $20 I can bite
my right eyeball." The bartender, who is keen to see this, agrees to the bet. The
patron pulls his glass eye out
and bites it.

"Well, you got me" says the bartender, and heads to the till. "Wait," says the patron,
"I'll give you a chance to
get your money back. I'll bet you double or nothing I can bite my left eyeball." The
bartender, thinking that the
patron can't have two glass eyes, agrees to this. Whereupon the patron pulls out his
dentures, and clasps
them to his left eye.

"All right," growls the bartender, "fool me twice..." Again, he heads for the cash
register and again the patron
stops him. "Once more, double or nothing -- $80 says I take a piss from right here --
and fill that glass at the
end of the bar without spilling a drop."

This gives the bartender pause. The bar is about 20 feet long. 'No way' he thinks, and
agrees to the wager.
The patron proceeds to pull out his choad and piss with great force. Urine flies
everywhere -- on the floor, on
the bar, behind the bar, on other customers. The glass at the end of the bar remains
dry.

"BUWAHAHAHA!" bawls the bartender. "Lookit that -- not one drop in the glass!
$80 -- pay up!"

"That's alright," replies the patron. "I bet this other feller here $300 that I could piss
all over your bar and
you'd laugh at it."

There was once a lemur called Faizal. Faizal was no ordinary lemur.
In fact, instead of wasting his time sitting around with the other lemurs,
Faizal would spend his days and nights drinking at the local pub.
Faizal became a legend, he would sit at the bar and tell stories of
lemur legend while everybody bought him drinks.
Unfortunately, our friend Faizal had a bit of a temper, and became
involved in a horrble dispute one night. One thing led to another and
Faizal was horribly dismembered by a young lout with a flicknife.
His bloodied corpse lay on the pavement outside the pub, and his severed
fluffy tale lay in the gutter. He was pronounced dead at the scene.

So disheartened were the pub's patrons that they commisioned a plaque in
Faizals honour.They had his cute fluffy tale mounted to a mahogony plaque,
which they hung above the bar.

One Sunday evening after closing time, there was a knock on the pub door.
The bartender opened the door and who should be there but a ghostly
possesed visage of the deceased Faizal.
"Holy mother of Jesus" said the barman, "its Faizal".
The ghost lifted a ghostly finger and pointed towards the plaque above the
bar, and then towards his own ghostly severed stump where a tail should
have been.

"AH" said the barman, "you want your tail back, dont you ?"
The ghostly lemur knodded.
"Sorry ",said the barman "we dont retail spirits on a Sunday".

A woman walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. In a quandary the
bartender replies,
"Anhauser Busch?" The woman answered, "fine and how's your dick?" "Sorry ",said
the barman "we dont
retail spirits on a Sunday".

A man walked into a bar and explained to the bartender that he had had a very bad
day and wanted the most
potent drink there was. The bartender explained that he would make the drink, but
the man could only drink
one. After drinking the one, the man wanted another. The bartender said that one was
enough but the man
insisted. After drinking the second one, the man wanted a third. The bartender said
that no one had drank
two much less three. The man insisted so the bartender reluctantly made the third.
After drinking it, the man
stumbled out very drunk.

The next day the man walked into the bar and told the bartender "I had the worse
night...I went home and
blew chunks". The bartender said I told you so...they were potent drinks. "No", said
the man, "you don't
understand...my dog's name is Chunks".

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but thinks "What
the heck, I really want a
drink".

A gay waiter swishes up to him and says "What's the name of your penis?"

The customer is shocked and says "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink".

The gay waiter says "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your
penis."

So the customer says "all right, what's the name of YOUR penis?". The gay waiter
says "NIKE ... you know,
JUST DO IT".

The customer thinks for a moment and says "The name of my penis is "Secret".
"SECRET?" says the waiter,
confused.

The customer says "Yeah ... STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A
WOMAN!".

A woman goes into a bar and orders 21 gin martinis. The bartender tells
her she can't handle them all, but she insists he line 'em up. He does,
she drinks them all down and passes out.

A guy sees her there passed out and says, "You know, we could all fuck
her and she'd never know." So they all do.

After a while, she wakes up and goes home.

The next day, she goes back to the bar. The bartender recognizes her and
says, "Another 21 gin martinis?"

"No," she says, "they make my pussy hurt."

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.

"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that cane, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world:
Amsterdam, the
Netherlands...

At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a
drink in a bar. The
president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Carlsberg' orders a Carlsberg,
and the list goes on...

Then the waitress asks Freddie Heineken what he wants to drink, and much to
everybody's amazement, Mr.
Heineken orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Heineken?" his colleagues ask...

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

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Page Updated Thu Apr 18, 2002 3:52pm EDT