Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/Bar_Jokes

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend
he comments, "You look
terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"

A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The
first thing he noticed about
her though, was her pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious
mechanism (zipper,
buttons or velcro) for opening them. After several minutes of puzzling over how she
got the pants up over her
hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.

"Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?"

"Well," she replied, "you can start by buying me a drink."

A bear went into a bar and ordered a beer. He gave the bartender a twenty and the
bartender went to the
other end of the bar to put the money in the register. The second bartender whispered
to the first, "He's a
bear, what does he know, shortchange him." The first bartender brings the bear $10
in change. A little while
later the bartender starts talking to the bear and mentions, "We don't get many bears
in this bar." The bear
replies, "I'm not surprised, at $10 a beer I sure won't be back again....

Two guys wandered into a bar. One of the men shouted to the barkeeper,"Hiya,
Mike. Set 'em up for me
and my pal here." Then he turned to his slightly dim partner and boasted, "This is a
great bar. For every two
drinks you buy, the house gives you one. And the pinball machines in the back are
free!" "That's not so great,
"responded the friend. "There's a bar across town That'll match you drink for drink,
and you can get laid in
the back for free." "Where is this place?" the first guy exclaimed. "Oh, I don't know,"
the dim fellow replied,
"but my wife goes there all the time."

A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets ripping bad,
Budweiser sloshing around in his
belly like a keg adrift in a roiling sea. He loop-legs it through the door and is met by
his wife, who is scowling,
figuring he's been out jumping new bones.

"Where the hell you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new saloon," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is
golden."
"Bullshit! There's no such place!"
Guy says, "Sure there is! Joint's got huge golden doors, a golden floor. Hell, even the
urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the ext day checks the phone book,
finding a place across town
called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her old man's story. "Is this
the Golden Saloon?"
she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"

A guy knocked off early from work and checked in at the local saloon. By two
o'clock in the morning, he
was three sheets to wind, all of 'em ripping bad. Buying a pint of tequila for the road
and slipping it in his back
pocket, he staggered outside, tripped over a curb and fell on his ass, busting the
whiskey bottle.

At home, the pain hits. He looks in a mirror after undressing and sees the blood and
the cuts on his butt.
Trying to focus on the mirror, he repairs the damage as best he can, then crashes in
bed.

The next morning, he wakes up with a hangover from hell, feeling like he'd been
chewed up by a coyote and
shit off a cliff. He looks up through the pain and fog, and sees his wife standing
beside the bed. "Well, you
really tied one on last night," she said.

"Where'd you go?" "I worked late and I stopped off at the Lonesome Dove for a
couple of beers."

"A couple of beers, hell!" she snorted. "You got so plastered last night you couldn't
see straight!"

"What makes you think that?"

"My first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids
stuck to the bathroom
mirror."

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's
drinking it the monkey jumps all
around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them,
then grabs some sliced
limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in
his mouth and swallows it
whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the
little bastard. I'll pay for
the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink and the monkey
starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey
finds a maraschino cherry
on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it..

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!", says
the barkeep.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight,
but ever since he ate that
damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. The bartender brings his beer, and says "
None of my business,
mister, but how come you got such a small head?"

The guy sips his beer, and says, " Well, a few years back, I was shipwrecked on a
small island. After a
couple of weeks of being there, I found this bottle, and when I rubbed it a genie
came out. She said ' For
releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes.' So, being shipwrecked, I
wished to be rescued.' A
ship is on its way' she says. Next, I wished to be rich.' You will have untold wealth
when you return home'.
Well, having been on the island alone for awhile, I wished to have sex with the
genie. She said, 'I'm sorry, but
I'm not allowed to do that.' So I says, Well how about giving me a little head?"

A bear goes into a bar in Boise, sits up at the bar and asks the bartender for a beer.
The bartender looks up
and says "I'm sorry but we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Boise." At this the
bear gets very upset, and
says "If you don't give me a beer I'm going to get really mad!" The bartender not
wanting any trouble says
"I'm really sorry and I don't want you to get mad but, we don't serve beers to bears in
bars in Boise."

Now at this point the bear is getting really mad! So he looks around and sees a
couple quietly having dinner.
He gets up and knocks the table over, the couple scream and run out. Now the bear
asks the bartender,
"How did you like that? Do I get my beer now?" The bartender says "I didn't like that
at all! But..we don't
serve beers to bears in bars in Boise!" The bear is getting visibly upset, "Look, if you
don't give me that beer
I'm going to hurt someone!" Now the crowd is getting nervous, the bartender again
tries to calm the now
very, very upset bear down, "I'd really rather you not hurt anyone, but I still can't give
you that beer
because...we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Boise!"

Well at his point the bear jumps up and grabs the guy sitting next to him and tears
into him, ripping him to
pieces. Everyone is horrified and the poor guy crawls out the door. The bear feeling
sure he'll get his beer
now says "So, how did you like that? How about my beer?" The bartender holds his
ground and says "That
was terrible!! I really wish you wouldn't have done that but...we do not serve beers to
bears in bars in Boise!"
So now the bear gets furious, "If you don't give me that beer I'm going to KILL
someone!" Of course the
bartender doesn't doubt it but tells him "Please don't kill anyone! But....we don't serve
beers to bears in bars
in Boise!"

Well as you can imagine the bear is crazy by now and looks to the end of the bar and
see's this sleazy,nasty
woman with fishnet stockings, sucking on a cigarette, guzzling down drinks. So he
gets up and goes down to
her rips her off the stool, tears her in half,rips out her guts, blood goes everywhere as
he eats her up! He then
turns to the bartender with blood dripping from his mouth, "SO.. NOW DO I GET
THAT BEER?" The
bartender is sickened by what he see's, "That was awful!! I sure wish you wouldn't
have done that because
we also don't serve beers to people that do drugs!" Well the bear can't believe it, "I
don't do drugs!"
The bartender replies "Oh yes you do ...what about that barbitchyouate?"

A doctor used to visit the same bar every day and order the same drink day in/day
out. "Fix me an almond
Daquiri, Dick!" the fellow asked. "Coming right up!". This was the way it went for
years on end.

Finally one day, the bartender realized there were no more almonds anywhere in his
inventory, and his
customer was waiting anxiously at the bar for his favorite beverage. In a hurry, he
figured that he could use a
hickory nut, crush it up, the man would never know the difference. Well, the doctor
took a sip of the drink
and said "Is this an almond Daquiri, Dick?". "Well, no, it's a hickory Daquiri, Doc."

Fella in his hospital bed keeps ringing for the nurse because he has to take a dump
really bad. He can't hold it
any more and finally messes in his bed. To clean it up, he pulls the sheet off the bed,
wads it up, and tosses it
out the window.

Joe, the local inebriate, is on his way to his favorite haunt when this sheet happens to
land square on his head.
He staggers into the bar, and the bartender, taking one look and a getting a whiff of
the brown stuff, sez, "Joe,
you smell AWFUL."

Joe sez, "You would too, if you just beat the shit out of a ghost."

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then
rubbing the roofs of the
cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy.

"What the heck are you doing ?" he asks the drunk.
"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." he replies.
"So how does feeling the roof help you ?" asks the puzzled manager. "well," replies
the drunk earnestly, "MY
car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!".

A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked into a bar in Greenwich Village
and sat next to a rather
attractive woman.

"Hi," he said, "I'm new in town. Can I buy you a drink?"
"Get lost," she remarked, "I am Lesbian."
"Oh, really?" he asked, "How are things in Beiruit?"

It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar.
"What will you have?" the
bartender asked.
"I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied.
"I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second.
"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.
"OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood
light?"

Six men who were feeling no pain were staggering down the street about one in the
morning. Laughing and
singing loudly, they walked up to a two-story home. One of them managed to make it
to the door and
pounded on the doorbell insistently. A light came on in a upstairs window. The
spokesman for the group
yelled up, "Is this where Mr. John Smith lives?" "Yes, it is. What do you want?" "Are
you Mrs. Smith?" "I am
Mrs. Smith. What do you want?" "Could you come down here and pick out Mr.
Smith so the rest of us can
go home?"

One night, a man on his way home happened upon a drunk, down on his hands and
knees searching for
something under a street light. The man asked the drunk what he was looking for so
diligently and the drunk
said he had tripped and his Rolex wrist watch had broken loose from his wrist. The
man, being a kindhearted
soul, got down on his hands and knees and began assisting the drunk looking for his
watch. After about ten
minutes without any success, the man asked the drunk exactly where he tripped.
"About a half a block up the
street," the drunk said. "Why, pray tell," the man asked the drunk, "are you looking
for your watch here if you
lost it a half a block up the street?" The drunk replied, "The light is a lot better here."

A guy walked into a bar and ordered a glass of 5-year-old brandy. The bartender
promptly gave him his
drink. After taking a sip, the man told the bartender that he had given him 1-year-old
brandy. The bartender
apologized and poured him another drink. The man took a sip and complained to the
bartender that he had
given him 3-year-old brandy. The bartender apologized and poured him anohter
drink. The man took a sip
and replied to the bartender that this was 5-year-old brandy. Having overheard the
conversation, an elderly
man replied, "You sure do know your brandy." The man proudly said, "I like to think
so." The old man asked
if he would taste his drink and tell him the age. "Sure," he replied and began to take a
sip. Quickly, the man
spit out the drink and yelled, "This is not brandy! It's pee!" "Yep," replied the elder,
"now tell me how old I
am."

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to
him. The bartender
served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a
special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist
told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken
farmer, and for years all my
hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?"
"I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

The middle aged gentleman stopped in at a neighborhood tavern and was enjoying a
drink at the bar when a
young man with a huge multicolored mohawk took a seat next to him. He couldn't
help but stare at the young
man.

"Hey dude, what's your problem?" the mohawked man barked, clearly annoyed.
"Didn't you ever do anything
crazy when you were young?"

Of course. That's the reason I was staring," the older man replied.
"Once when I was young, I got really drunk and had sex with a peacock on dare; I
couldn't help wondering if
you were my son."

A guy wandered into a bar and ordered a martini. The bartender provided it, and he
drank it down. When he
finished it, he started nibbling on the rim of the glass. He kept nibbling and nibbling
until there was nothing left
but the stem of the glass. He then threw the stem over his shoulder where it broke
into pieces on the floor. By
now, quite a few of the patrons are watching this go on.

He ordered another martini, and repeated the performance; nibbling the rim of the
glass around and around
until there's nothing left but the stem, which he threw away over his shoulder.
Several patrons are staring at
him with their mouths open.

He ordered a third martini and did it all over again; nibbling down to the stem and
throwing the stem over his
shoulder.

After the fourth time, he paid his bill and left. All of the other barflies are staring at
him in amazement.

The bartender said, "That's the weirdest thing I ever saw!"
"Yeah," said a customer, "He's throwing away the best part!"

After spending a happy evening drinking together, two
acquaintances promise to meet again in ten years at the same bar,
same time.

Ten years later, the first guy walks in, looks arouind, and
sure enough, there is his friend on a bar stool. He clasps the
old friend's hand and cries, "The day we left, I didn't think I'd
really see you here!"

The friend looks up, stares, sways slightly and asks, "Who left?"

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Page Updated Tue Jun 8, 1999 5:34pm EDT