Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/Bar_Jokes

Dogs in bars? Not in my town!

Man with a German Shepherd dog goes into a bar and sits down at the counter.
Bartender says "You can't bring
that dog in here!" Man says "But this is a Seeing Eye dog!" Bartender says "Well, OK,
then I guess it can stay."

After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As they're going out
the door, another man with
a Chihuahua is coming in. First man says "The bartender won't like you bringing that
dog in here, but just tell him
it's a Seeing Eye dog and then it'll be OK." Second man looks dubiously at his tiny
Chihuahua, thinks a few
seconds, thanks the first man and goes on in.

Bartender says "Hey! You can't bring that Chihuahua in here!" Man stares straight
ahead and exclaims "What!
They sold me a Chihuahua?!"

Very funny

A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the
bartender line them up in front
of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one.

"Whew," the barkeep remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry."

"You would be too if you had what I have."

"What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked.

"Fifty cents."

This one requires some explanation so according to my friend E.D., it's funny because:

The beverage that we know as "Scotch" is actually a blend of whiskeys from several
distilleries. A single malt
scotch is the product of one distillery only. Single malts from different distilleries
exhibit different characteristics,
depending on things like the type of malt used to make the mash, length of aging, the
peat used to fire the
fermenting kettles, that sort of thing. Unlike blended scotch, single malts are almost
all aged a minimum of 12
years. Single malts from northern Scotland typically have a darker, smokier flavour
than do ones from the south.
Single malt afficionados rival die-hard oenophiles in their descriptions of the
subtleties of a particular distillery's
product.

Single malt prices typically start at the price of a 12 year old blended scotch, i.e. $20
or less for 750ml, and go up
from there. I would think that a 30 year old single malt would sell for at least $5-$6 a
shot in a bar, perhaps more
like $10.

FYI
oenophile: A collector and/or connoiseur of wine.

LEO the lion goes GER

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'

The other says 'Are you sure?'

The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

Lactose Intolerant

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to
them, "We don't serve your
kind in here."

One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

Funny if you laugh

This MUSHROOM walks into this bar and sits down at the counter. He was about to
order a drink when the
bartender took one look at him and said:

"Hey! Get out of here!! WE don't serve MUSHROOMS in this place!!"

Stunned, the MUSHROOM exclaimed: "Awh C'mon I'm a Fun-gi!"

Piano Lesson

A man walks into a bar carrying a battered briefcase and orders a cold one. The
bartender brings him a beer and
says, "Hey pal, it's none of my business, but what do have in the case?"

Without saying a word, the man opens the case and out pops a little man, about a foot
high. He runs across the
bar, jumps down to the floor, runs across the room to a piano in the corner, jumps up
and begins to play. He is
pounding out wonderful piano music, and people are peeking in from the street to see
who this guy is. Pretty soon
the bar is full of people and the bartender is doing better business than he has in years.

"Hey that guy is great," he says to the man with the case. "Where did you get him?"

"I was in Egypt by the Great Pyramids," the man replies. "It was very hot so I leaned
against the pyramid to rest.
The stone block moved and I found a magic lamp. I rubbed the lamp and a genie
appeared and said he would
grant just one wish."

"That's incredible," said the bartender, "do you think it is still there?"

"Oh, it's still there," the man said, "but I have to warn you that when you make your
wish, be sure to speak very
slowly and clearly and enunciate each word."

"Well, it works, right?" said the bartender. "You got your wish didn't you?"

"Tell me," the man replied wearily, "do you really think I would wish for a
twelve-inch pianist?"

P'tooey!

A guy walks into a bar...........

He orders a drink........... after a few.......... he must visit the john.

he does not want anyone to steal his drink. so he puts a sign on it. saying, , " I SPIT IN
THIS BEER, DO NOT
DRINK'.

after a few minutes he returns........... There is another sign next to his beer, saying, SO
DID I.

Eh-ha...

A guy walks into a bar, approaches the bartender and says; "I've been working on a
top-secret project on
molecular genetics for the past five years and I've just got to talk to someone about it."

The bartender says; "Wait a minute. Before we talk about that, just answer me a few
questions...When a deer
defecates, why does it come out like little pellets?"

The guy didn't know that. The bartender then asks, "Why is it that when a dog poops,
it lands on the ground and
looks like a coiled rope?"

The guy again says, "I don't have any idea." The bartender then says, "You don't know
shit! and you want to talk
about molecular genetics?"

Down there again? You're insatiable!

Four guys and the bartendar are in a bar. In walks a pretty lady. She goes up to the
bartender and sez. "Gimme 6
martinis" The bartender pours her a martini and sets it infront of her She sez. I wanted
6 martinis!! He sez Drink
that one then i'll give you another. The lady sez You misunderstand..i want 6 martinis
NOW!!

The bartender pours the rest of the martinis. The girl downs all 6 martinis..one right
after the other. She stands at
the bar..and passes out flat on her back..her dress having fallen up..exposing her
panties. All the guys look at the
lady laying there. The bartender sez..let's all fuck her.. she'll never know...so they all
do. The lady finally comes to
sits up..straightens her dress and leaves. one week later, the bartender looks up and
sees the lady coming in again.
he sez to her..I bet you want six martinis!! the lady replies...No..Martinis make my
pussy hurt and swell...

He confused, ya!

This guy walks into a bar and sees a jar full of $100 bills and says to the bartender,
whats that for. The bartender
says put a $100 and i'll tell ya. so the guy does and the bartender says well 1st you
hafta drink this whole bottle of
whisky. Then you hafta go knock out the bouncer w/ 1punch then you must go
downstairs and get a tooth from
the bulldog. After that you go upstairs and screw the lesbian lady. So the drinks the
whisky, knocks out the
bouncer and then goes down for the tooth. Everyone hears a moaning sound and then
the guy comes up and says,
now where's that bitch w/ the loose tooth.

Bar Jokes

Last Updated: 03/06/98

A man walks into a bar and says "Ouch!!"

Two men walk in to a bar.

You'd think the other one would have ducked...

.... a termite walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here?"

Drunk walks into elevator, no elevator there, falls five stories down, lands on the
bottom. Lies there a few
seconds, slowly opens his eyes, and then says, ``Dammit, I said UP.''

An obnoxious drunk in a bar trying to get a girl to go home with him says, "Hey,
baby, how do you like your
eggs in the morning?"
Girl says, "Unfertilized. Beat it!"

Two hamburgers walk into a bar. They go up to the bartender and say, "We'd like
two pizzas with
mushrooms." The bartender replies, "I'm sorry we don't serve food."

A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer. Then he sees someone he knows, and
decides to go and say hi
to them, but he does not want to drag his beer mug with him. So he sets it on a table,
along with a note "I spit
in this beer" hoping that noone will steal it then. Upon return, he sees another note
saying "Me too!"

A guy from up North (Canada) goes into a classy bar in the South (States). This bar
has a dress code, and
the maitre d' demands he wear a tie. Discouraged, the guy goes to his car to sulk
when inspiration strikes:
He's got jumper cables in the trunk! So he wraps them around his neck, sort of like a
string tie (a bulky string
tie to be sure) and returns to the bar. The maitre d' is reluctant, but says to the guy,
"Okay, you're a pretty
resourceful fellow, you can come in... but just don't start anything"!

Guys walking down the street & sees 'Word Bar' sign.

He walks in & sees a woman behind the counter. "What's all this Word Bar stuff"? he
asks.
She says "Exactly what it says - we've got Verbs, Prepositions, Hyperbole,
Punctuation - whatever you
want".
"Ok" says the guy - "gimme an entendre"
"Single or double?" she asks
"Make it a double!"

She raises one eyebrow & looks him up & down with a sly grin & says:

"Don't you mean a LARGE one?"

This guy walks into a bar, carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them down on
the stool next to him,
and says to the (uncertain-looking) bartender "I'll have a Scotch and Soda." Then the
crocodile says "And I'll
have a Whiskey Sour." The (dumbfounded) bartender gasps "That's incredible; I've
never seen a crocodile
that could talk!" And the guy says "He can't; the chicken is a ventriloquist."

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, I got this great
Polish Joke..."

The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: "Before you go telling
that joke you better
know that I'm Polish, both bouncers are Polish and so are most of my customers"

"Okay" says the customer,"I'll tell it very slowly."

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down
a monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint. The man asks
the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player.
The man walks over to the piana player and says "Do you know your
monkey pissed in my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum
it I'll play it."

A customer was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he noticed a tiny little spot
on the wall that seemed
to be moving. He called it to the bartender's attention. He glanced at it and said, "It's
a ladybug."

After a moment of stunned silence the customer said, "Good Lord, what incredible
eyesight you have!"

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a girl wearing the tightest pants
he's ever seen. Finally his
curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks: "How do you get into those
pants?". The young
woman looks him over and replies: "Well, you could start by buying me a drink...".

This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has never shaved
her armpits in her entire
life, so as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she
raises her arm up and
flags the bartender for another drink. This goes on all night. The other people in the
bar see her hairy pits
every time she raises her arm. Near the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the
bar says to the bartender,
"Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink". The bartender replies, "She's not a
ballerina. What makes you
think she's a ballerina?" The drunk says, "Any girl that can life her leg that high HAS
to be a ballerina!"

In a Poor town in the middle of nowhere and no women...... A guy walks into a bar
and asks the bartender,
"How can you live in this town without any women?". The bartender replies, "It's not
that bad, sir, when we
get lonely we go out back where there is a barrel with a knothole in it. It never
sounds appeasing at first, but
after one try you're hooked." So after a few beers, the guy starts getting a little lonely
and tells the bartender
he's gonna go find the barrel. At that, he walks up to the barrel and sticks it in the
knothole. After about 5
minutes he ventures back to the bar and tells the bartender, "Man, that's the greatest
stuff I've ever had!!
What do I owe ya?". To which the bartender replies, "Nothing, but it's your turn to
get in the barrel".

A man walks into a bar. Sits down and drinks beer after beer, till at last he runs out
of cash. The bartender
knows, and refuses him more drinks. After the mans incessant pleading, he agrees to
three more, on the
house, if he does three things. First he has to knock out the bouncer, a strapping
young man. Then he has to
pull a bad tooth that belongs to the bulldog in the back, and have sex with the town
runaround who is sitting
by herself at the end of the bar. "No problem" he replies, and proceeds to the door
where he knocks the
bouncer out, with one blow! The bartender, amazed, points then to the back. The
man nods, and heads off to
pull the pooch's tooth. After a second, all that can be heard is the dog barking loudly.
"Ruff ruff ruff". Ten
minutes later, again. "Ruff ruff ruff". Again, after ten, "Ruff ruff ruff". The bartender
begins to worry until he
finally sees the man coming around front, a proud look on his face. He grins at the
bartender and says, "Ok,
nows where's the runaround with the loose tooth?"

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender serves the drink, the
guy asks, "Hey, I heard a
good Aggie joke the other day. Do you want to hear it?" The bartender says, "Well
before you tell it, I should
warn you that I'm an Aggie. See those two guys at the end of the bar? They're Aggies.
And see those guys
over at that table. They're Aggies too. Are you sure you want to tell that joke?" The
guy replied, "Hell no! I
don't want to explain it five times.......

A sea anenome floats into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like to
buy a drink for that man in the corner."

The bartender takes the drink to the man in the corner and says, "This
is from your friend over there."

The man replies, "With anenome like that, who needs friends?"

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Page Updated Tue Jun 8, 1999 5:31pm EDT