Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/Bar_Jokes

Everyone loves dog jokes and bar jokes

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and
announces that the dog can talk and
that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't. The bartender takes the
bet and the owner looks at
the dog and asks "what's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from
coming inside".

The dog answers "ROOF".

The bartender says "who are you kidding, I'm not paying".

The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else".

The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks "who was the greatest
ballplayer of all time".

The dog answers "Roof".

With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.

As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says "DiMaggio?".

Anne Rice would be proud

Vampire #1: Walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a Bloody Mary.

Vampire #2: Walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a Bloody Mary.

Vampire #3: Walks into the bar.

bartender: Says, "Let me guess, you want a Bloody Mary"

Vampire #3: Replies, "No, just give me a cup of hot water." He then pulls out a bloody
tampon and says, "I'm
having tea today!"

Sad clown story

Two cannibals walk into a bar and sits beside this clown. The first cannibal wacks the
clown on the head and they
both start eating the clown. Suddenly the second clown looks up and says, "Hey, do
you taste something funny?"

I... would... like... a... drink... please...

This snail crawl's up to this bar as it was being closed. The snail pounds and pounds
on the door until the
bartender finally opens the door. bartender looks around and sees nothing until the
snail demanded a beer. The
bartender looked down and sees him but replies, "Hey, we're closed now and besides
we don't serve snails!" and
then proceeds to slam the door. The snail again pounds on the door until the bartender
got so frustrated that he
opened the door again and kicks the snail away.

A year later as the bartender was about to close again, he hears a pounding on the door
again. He opens the door
and looks down to see the same snail again. The snail looked up and replies, "What'd
you do that for?"

Sad Man Story

This depressed man walks into a bar and starts talking to the bartender. The man says,
"I just found out today that
my older brother is gay!"

The bartender replies, "Gee that's terrible. I'll give you a drink on the house." The man
drinks the drink and then
walks out.

The next day, the same man walks into the bar again looking even more depressed.
The bartender starts talking to
him again. The man replies, "I just found out today that my younger brother is gay!"

The bartender replies, "Gee that's awful. I'll give you another drink on the house." The
man drinks the drink and
then walks out. The following day, the same man crawls into the bar in a really bad
shape. The bartender asks,
"My God man, what happened to you?"

The man replies, "I just found out that my dad is gay!" The bartender replies, "Doesn't
anybody in your family like
pussy?" The man thinks for a little while and then says, "Yeh, my sister!"

Take the pebble from my hand

A grasshopper hops into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "You know, we
have a drink named after
you here."

The grasshopper looks puzzled, and replies "You have a drink named Fred?"

(125,12)

Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?"

Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes.

Bagging out

A gay guy walks into a bar with a small paper bag and says "the guy that can tell me
what's in this bag can go
home with me tonight."

An big mean oversized biker turns and says "there is a 20 ton pink polka dotted
elephant in your bag".

The room erupts with laughter.

The gay guy opens the bag, peeks in and says "I think we have a winner".

Uh... Okay....

A man walked in to a bar and said to the bartender that he had a bad day at work and
wanted 1 shot of
everything he had in the bar. The bartender poured 1 shot of everything in to a glass
and the man drank it down
and staggered out.

The next day the man came back in and the bartender said it looks like you had
another bad day at work, and
the man said no way. He said i went home last night and was blowing chunks all
night. the bartender said oh
you got a little sick? The man said, no chunks is my dog.

Right good f'om down unda, mate!

So into a bar comes a prostitute. She spots a koala bear sitting at the end of the bar.
After a little small-talk and
flirting, the koala bear goes home with her. They frolic all night long. The next
morning, the koala gets up and
wanders towards the door.

"HEY! Where are you going?" yells the prostitute. "I haven't been paid!" Realizing
that he is a koala bear and might
not understand, she reaches for a dictionary and looks up prostitute. She shows him
the definition:

PROSTITUTE (pros'ti toot)
n. A woman who performs services for money.

The koala bear looks at her and then grabs the dictionary. He shows her a
definition:
KOALA BEAR (ko all e Bare)
n. A furry marsupial. Eats bush and leaves.

Squiddly Wow Wow

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus on his shoulder. The bartender says "you can't
bring that in here!"

The guy says "Why not? He's a pet. Plus I'll bet you a drink he can play any instrument
in here."

The bartender says "okay, here's a trombone, I'll bet a drink he can't play it."

The octopus picks it up and starts playing a tune.

The bartender is a little upset and pulls out a clarinet and says, "I bet another drink he
can't play this."

The guy says okay and the octopus picks up the clarinet and starts playing away on it.

By now the bartender is really upset. He's had to give the guy 2 free drinks already.
Then he remembers he has an
old set of bag-pipes in the back. He tells the guy, "I'll bet you one more drink he can't
play something else I have,"
and throws out the bag-pipes.

The octopus takes one look at the set of bagpipes and starts swarming all over it,
pulling on the pipes and
squeezing the bag. The bartender laughs and says, "I guess I win."

The guy says, "just give him a minute. As soon as he realizes he can't fuck it... he'll
play it."

Zip. Zip. Zip. Here's some quickies!

A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my
paw."

A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve
food here."

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you."
"Why not?" asks the snake.
The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor."

Baby seal walks into a club...fucking tragedy.

A horse walks into the bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

I guy walks into a bar, "Ouch!" he said.

A gay man walks into a bar and says to someone at the bar, "May I push in your
stool?" Two peanuts walked into
a bar, and one was a-salted.

(from Matt Brody)

Down there again, Magilla?

A guy walks into a bar with a huge gorilla. The bartender asks him what the deal is
and the man says that the
gorilla has been specially trained so that when he hits the animal in the jaw, he gives
him a blow job. The bartender
doesn't believe it so the man pulls his arm back and punches the gorilla in the face.
The gorilla gets up, brushes
himself off, and gives the man a BJ. He has to perform the whole trick again for the
barkeep, who still doesn't
believe it. The man finally asks the bartender if he wants to try it. "Sure," he says,
"just don't hit me as hard as you
hit that gorilla."

I love you, man

Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender.

"I'll have a glass of blood," said one.

"I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other.

"Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be one blood and one blood lite."

Taxing Drink

A man with an alligator walked into a bar and asked the bartender, "do you serve IRS
agents here?"

"Yes," he said.

"Good, give me a beer, and my gator'll have an IRS agent!"

Things People Make

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining
something held in his fingers.
The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask
what it is.

"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and
forefinger, examining it
closely. "Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don't
know what it is. Where did
you get it?"

"From my nose," the drunk replied.

Tightly Fitted

A chick went into a bar wearing such a tight pair of pants that the lounge lizard
watching her asked her, "Honey,
how do you get into your pants?"

She smiled and said, "you can start by ordering me a drink!"

Miss Communication

A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. "Get that pig out of here!"
yelled the bartender.

"That's not a pig, stupid!" she replied, "That's a duck!"

"I know!" said the bartender, "I was talking to the duck!"

She's an Ape man

A man walked into a bar carrying an ape in his arms. "I just bought this fella as a pet,"
he explained. "We have no
children, so he's going to live with us, just like one of the family. He'll eat at our table,
even sleep in the bed with
me and the wife."

"But what about the smell?" someone asked.

"Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did."

Betcha can't eat just one

Two guys walk into a bar. "This is a great bar," said the first. "For every two drinks
you buy, the house gives you
one, and the pinball machines in back are free."

"That's nothing," responded the second. "There's a bar across town that matches you
drink for drink, and you can
get laid in back for free."

"Where's this place?" asked the first.

"Oh, I don't know," the second one replied, "but your wife goes there all the time, ask
her."

Get in line, bud

A huge half-drunk thug walks into a bar and shouts, "you all on the left side of the bar
are cocksuckers and you all
on the right side are motherfuckers." Suddenly a man ran from the right to the left side
of the bar. "where are you
going, squirt?" The big man asked.

"I was on the wrong side of the bar, sir!"

Horse Sense

A cowboy tied his horse to a hitching post and went into a bar for a drink. When he
returned, his horse's nose had
been painted green. He stormed back into the bar asking who had done this to his
horse.

"I did", a huge mean-looking cowboy said.

"Well," gulped the first, "I came to tell you that the first coat is dry."

Baaah-d Pun

A lonely reporter, sent out west to cover the goldrush, walked into a small town bar.
He asked one of the local
prospectors seated at the bar what they did for female companionship.

"Fuck sheep", the fellow replied.

After verifying that the few local saloon girls were indeed so ugly that sheep looked
good, he resolved to remain
celibate. But after several months he broke down and went out and cornered a nice
sheep and took it to his hotel
room to wine and bed it. The next day when he took his 4-legged concubine to the bar
for a drink, everybody
stared at him like he was crazy.

"You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" he shouted, "You've been fucking sheep for
years, and now that I have gone
as low as you, you all stare at me like I'm a crazy pervert!"

A cowboy in the back of the room then spoke up, "But tenderfoot, that's the sheriff's
gal!"

Whizzer of Odd

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender, who's none too friendly,
hands him the drink. The guy
downs it in a single swallow and slams the glass down on the counter. Then he slides
it off to the end of the bar.

"That'll be two bucks," grunts the bartender.

"Hey," says the guy, "I'll bet you $100 I can piss in that glass and not spill a drop."

The bartender chuckles figuring "hey, easy money." "Alright," he says.

The man then unzips his fly and takes out his penis and begins to whiz. He goes crazy
whizzing on the counter, on
the bar stool, the floor, all over the furniture and even gets some on the
bartender--everywhere but the glass. All
this time, the bartender's laughing his head off because of how stupid it looks and that
he's winning the bet.

When the guy finally stops, pee all over the place, the bartender still can't stop
laughing. "Aw, you dummy, you hit
everything but the glass. You owe me 100 bucks."

"Yes. You're right. Okay, give me a second." So the guy goes into the back and talks
to two other guys and then
comes back with $300. He slaps the $100 on the piss-soaked table. "There."

Perplexed, the bartender asks "Who were those guys?"

"Who? Them? Oh, I bet them $300 that I could piss on the bar, the floor, and you and
not only would you not get
mad, you'd enjoy it."

Ba-dump!

A guy walks into a bar.

A second guy walks into a bar.

The third guy ducks.

Silly Strings

A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Sorry, we don't serve strings," says the
bartender.

"What? That sucks," said the string.

So the string walks into the bathroom and ties himself in a knot and messes up his
end. He comes back out and
approaches the bar again and again orders a drink.

"Hey, aren't you that string?" asks the bartender.

"No. I'm a frayed knot."

Sign Guestbook

View Guestbook

Freind2@excite.com

Visitors: 00406

Page Updated Tue Jun 8, 1999 5:29pm EDT