Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/Bar_Jokes

The birthplace of man

A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says "Hey -
that's neat - where did you
get him?"

The parrot responds "In Africa - there's millions of 'em."

So bad I had to include it

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one. The bartender gives it to him and
says "that'll be $25." A minute
later making conversation the bartender says "We don't get many gorillas round these
parts"

The gorilla replies "I'm not surprised at those prices"

Old grudges

There was a Jew and a Chinese sitting at the bar drinking. All of a sudden the Jew
turns and punches the Chinese
in the face knocking him off his stool, stunned the Chinese gets up and says, "What
the hell was that for?"

The Jew replies, "That was for Pearl Harbor."

The Chinese says, "That was the Japanese, I'm Chinese."

The Jew says, "well you have black hair squinted eyes and buckteeth, it's all the same
to me."

The Chinese says "Okay" and sits on his stool and continues drinking.

About a half hour later the Chinese turns and punches the Jew in the face knocking
him off his stool, the Jew gets
up and says, "What the hell was that for?"

The Chinese says "That was for the Titanic."

The Jew replies, "The Titanic? That was an Iceberg."

The Chinese says, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Steinberg, it's all the same to me."

Somethings are better left unknown

A man walked into a bar and met a very attractive young woman. He bought her a
couple of drinks and things
were going great. He went into the men's room to take a leak and a man approached
and said: "You know
that..uh...lady you're with?...She's got one twice as big as that little skimpy wiener of
yours!"

Our man wasn't sure if this was a line of crap or really true. After all he had seen some
incredibly good-looking
"he-shes" on Geraldo. Far from being upset, however, between his latent tendencies
and the alchohol in his system
he was intrigued and turned on by the possibility he was actually with a man. He
became more and more obsessed
with a desire to find out, and was pleased when "she" agreed to a ride in his car when
the bar closed. Shortly after
they took off "she" said, "We need to pull over, I need a restroom stop."

"Me too!" he said, "This beer is going right through me." She suggested a deserted
road up ahead that was heavily
wooded and dark where they would not be bothered. He eagerly agreed and each took
off behind a tree. His
curiosity became more and more compelling, so after relieving himself he snuck up
behind her. Lo and behold! In
the dim light he could faintly see the outline of 2" in diameter x 10" in length hanging
down between her legs!! At
this point he was totally overcome with lust and could not contain himself. He snuck
up behind her and suddenly
grabbed hold as hard as he could!!

"Oh!! I didn't know you were back there!!" she said.

"Oh dear!" he said, " I didn't know you were doing number two!!"

from Don Lewis from Austin Texas

Talking lions and mice: That's funny stuff

A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting there chugging away at a few
ales when a giraffe walks in.

"Get a load of her" says the mouse, "I fancy that!"

"Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion.

So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her, and within five minutes
they're out the door and
gone into the night.

Next day, the lion is in the bar drinking away, and the mouse staggers in. And I do
mean "staggers". The mouse is
absolutely stuffed, worn out, ruined, an ex-mouse (and no, it wasn't Ex-Mouse Eve ).

The lion helps his pal up on to a stool, pours a drink down his throat and says "What
the hell happened to you? I
saw you leave with the giraffe, what happened after that? Was she all right?"

The mouse says "Yeah, she was really something else - we went out to dinner, had a
couple of glasses of wine,
and she invited me back to her place to spend the night. And oh, man! I've never had a
night like it!"

"But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asks the lion.

"Well" says the mouse "between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a
thousand miles!"

People want credit for this humour? Sickos.

A Chinese man walks into a bar and seats himself in front of the Afro-American
Bartender. "Get me a jigger,
Nigger!" he says. The = bartender asks him to repeat the request which he does.

The bartender says, "You know, Man, I understand that in this position, dealing with
drunks and all, I can expect a
certain amount of flak, but, hey, I think you're over the line, Man. Tell you what, let's
trade places. Here put this
apron on and get back here."

The Chinese dons the bartending apron and goes behind the counter. "Get me a drink,
Chink!" says the
Afro-American.

"Ah! So velly solly....can't serve nigger!"

from Don Lewis from Austin Texas

The tinkling of the keys

A man walks into a bar one afternoon and says to the manager, "I see your sign 'Piano
player needed,' and I want
you to know I'm your man. I packed them in down there at the Cadillac Club until the
IRS shut the place down.
Not only that, I write ALL my own material so you won't ever have to worry about
paying royalties to ASCAP or
BMI."

"You see the piano." said the manager, "Play me a tune." The piano player rocked out
with a boogie-woogie that
had the manager stomping his feet. "That was great," he said, "What do you call it?"

"I call it 'Let me Fuck you in the Ass Until your Hemorrhoids Bleed!'" said the pianist.

"Well," said the manager, "uh....that certainly is an unusual name for a song. Let's hear
another one."

The piano player played a haunting melody that brought tears to the manager's eyes it
was so beautiful. "What do
you call that tune?" said the manager.

"I call it 'Open your Mouth Wide and Swallow it ALL When I Come.'" said the pianist.
The manager replied,
"Your playing is great, and I'd like to hire you, but would you be terribly offended if I
asked you not to announce
the titles to your compositions?"

"Not at all," replied the pianist, "You pay, I'll play."

That evening, the crowd went wild when the piano player did his first set. When they
finally let him take a break,
he rushed to the john for a long overdue piss. On the way out, one of the patrons
button-holed him and said,
"Wow! you play great!! But tell me, do you know your fly's open and your penis is
hanging out?"

"Know it? HELL...I wrote it!"

from Don Lewis from Austin Texas

In a drunken stupor, I now add this one

A gay man was traveling through Wyoming when he walked into a bar in a little
cowboy town one afternoon and
was surprised to find it deserted. "Where ith everybody?" he lisped.

"Down at the hanging at the town square." was the bartender's reply.

"Oooh...I've never seen a hanging," said the gay man, "How do I get there?" The
bartender gave him directions,
and, an hour later, the gay man returned---rather shaken. "What did that poor boy do
to deserve such a fate?" he
asked.

"He was a fucking fag." replied the bartender.

The gay man drew himself up, "NO SHIT!!!" he said in a deep booming voice.

from Don Lewis from Austin Texas

Desparado

A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender if he had ever heard of a wild
neighborhood character named
"Eldorado."

"Certainly," said the bartender. "Last Wednesday he came by at noon drunk out of his
mind. He had a loaded
revolver and he made me drop my drawers down to my ankles. Next he made me
squat down and shit on the
floor. Then he made me scoop it up with my hands, and THEN... he made me eat it!
But after I was through eating
my own shit, his attention lapsed and I was able to get the gun away from him. I made
HIM drop his drawers, I
made HIM shit on the floor, and, finally, I made HIM scoop it up and eat it. So....you
ask me 'Do I know
Eldorado?' Hell! I had lunch with him just last week!" from Don Lewis from Austin
Texas

I wonder: is it that DiMaggio dog again?

A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your
dog bite?" he asked.

"No." was the reply. A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of his leg.

"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the man said indignantly.

"That's not my dog." was the answer.

from Don Lewis from Austin Texas

Our readers like it down there

A drunken polish guy walks into a bar and puts his money down and orders a bourbon. Several minutes go by and suddenly the drunken polish guy leans over and tells the bartender "hey, theres a gorilla at the other end of the bar." The bartender replies "that's my pet gorilla, Mable." "I never knew anybody who had a gorilla for a pet" replied the Polish guy. The bartender then tells the customer "watch this" and calls out "Mable, get over here." Mable comes over to the bartender and while standing in front of the bartender, the bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a hammer, hits Mable in the head with it. Mable drops to her knees, pulls down the bartenders zipper, takes out his penis and starts sucking it. The drunken polish guy is in total shock and exclaims "I never saw anything like that before." The bartender then tells the pollock "You want one." The pollock tells the bartender "Ok, but don't hit me in the hard so hard."

Swap Meat

Two guys walk into a bar and are scamming for two legged females. The first guy says, "Hey check out the blond over there. I bet she's really hot in bed!" He procedes to go over and makes small talk with her. Before long they both leave for a one nighter. The next day, the two guys meet up and are again scamming for anything that breathes. The second guy goes over to the same blond, pinches her in the rear and were off for a quickie. Fifteen minutes later, the second guy comes back and compares notes with the first guy. The first guy says, "I think my wife is better." The second guys nods his head and says, "Yeh, your wife is better!"

I love animal jokes

A guy walks into a bar and sees a large old dusty horse in the back corner with a large bucket of money next to it. The guy strolls up to the bar and asks the bartender what is the deal with the horse and the bucket. "You go back there, put a dollar in the bucket, tell the horse a joke and try to make it laugh. As you can by the full bucket, no one can make it laugh" replies the bartender. "Ok" says the man, and he goes back, puts his dollar in the bucket, leans over to the horse and whispers in it's ear. Well the man hasn't even straightened up the horse just laughing! the man picks up the bucket and proceeds to walk out of the bar, all the while the horse just can't contol itsef from laughter. 2 weeks pass and the same man comes back to the same bar and sees the same horse in the back corner, still with a smile on its face and again a large bucket of money next to it. The man asks the bartender "what, no one else has made the horse laugh??" The bartender replies "Are you kidding? We can't get the horse to stop! The new prize goes to anyone that can make the horse stop laughing." "Great" says the man, and he walks over towards the horse. The horse, seeing the man coming, starts to chuckle and snicker out loud, trying to again contain itt's laughter. The man gets himself infront of the horse in a way that no one in the bar can see him, and the horse just looks saddend and just starts crying. The man again picks up the bucket and starts to head out of the bar. "Wait a minute" yells the bartender. "First we couldn't get the horse to laugh, then we couldn't get it to stop! What did you tell that horse?!" "It was simple" said the man, "2 weeks ago I told the horse I had a bigger dick than him, and today I showed him!"

One of these days, Alice... Bang, zoom, pow!

A regular walks into his bar, looking blue. The bartender starts setting up his usual, and our man, Dave, says "No, no - just a glass of milk." Taken aback, the bartender asks what the hell has goten into him? Dave responds, "Well, my wife told me that if she catches me cominghome late & drunk after I've thrown up on myself one more time she'll divorce me! And this time she means it. I'm blue ..." "Hey - no problem!" The bartender says, as he starts setting Dave up again. "Do you have any big bills on you?" "Well, sure - just got paid." "OK," says the bartender, "drink all you want and rolf like you usually do, and when you get home & she bitches, show her a $50 bill and tell her someone threw up on YOU, then offered to pay for the shirt!"

What a great idea, Dave thinks, & starts knocking them back.

Later that night, when Dave gets home late, drunk, and having thrown up on himself, the wife meets him at the door screaming: "Damnit Dave - I've told you! That's it ... !" "Wait! Wait! It's not me! Some drunk threw up on ME and gave me this $50 bill to pay for my shirt!" She yanks the money out of his hand. "Dave, this is a $100 bill." "Well," Dave replies, "that same drunk shit my pants as well."

You've got a car in the garage with a body minus a head. Take me to it.

A man's head without a body comes floating into a bar and orders a drink. He sort of slirps the drink down, and all of his torso appears. He orders another drink, slirps that one down, and suddenly he has leg. "This is great," he says to the bartentender, "give me another drink. Let's get my arms back." The bartender pours him another, he slirps it down, and suddenly he disappears altogether. The guy sitting next to where he was says to the bartender, "He should have quit while he was a head."

Those crazy quantum elementals

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

Risky Family Business

A man walked into a bar carrying an ape in his arms. "I just bought this fella as a pet," he explained. "We have no children, so he's going to live with us, just like one of the family. He'll eat at our table, even sleep in the bed with me and the wife." "But what about the smell?" Someone asked. "Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did."

'round here, we like to go down there

A man with a big smile on his face walks into a bar. The bartender asks "What'll ya have?" "Gimme 12 shots of rum, 5 tequilas and a cup of coffee!" The bartender begins serving the man. The man gulps them down as fast as he can make them, and lights a cigarette. "So what's the occasion?" asks the bartender. "Just had my first blow-job". "Really, How was it?" "Not too bad but I can still taste it!" There were numerous versions submitted of this joke, so I just kinda put my telling skills to test.

Come fly with me

On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process. This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiousity got the better of him. Finally, he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?" "Well, the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's lots of fun. You should try it." The guy, who was also quite pissed out of his gourd, thought to himself, Hey, why not? So he goes to the bar, drinks a shot of tequila, then walks out to the balcony, jumps off, and whooooooooooooo... SPLAT! The bartender looks over at the first guy and says, "Man, you're an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."

Switch-hitters

A young man walks into a bar and notices two lovley young blond women sitting down. He approaches the bartender and asks: "Excuse me could I'd like to buy those two ladies a couple of drinks." But the bartender gives him a funny look and answers, "I'm not so sure that is a good idea. You see they're lesbians." "Sorry Mr. Bartender, but I don't know what you're talking about." And the bartender responded, "Why don't you go over there and ask them?" So the young man walked over to the women and asked, "I hear you are lesbians, whatdoes that mean?" And one answered politely, "we'll we like to kiss, suck each others tits...." And the young man yells to the bartender, "Hey get us three drinks here for us
lesbians!"

Sign Guestbook

View Guestbook

Freind2@excite.com

Visitors: 00468

Page Updated Wed Sep 5, 2001 3:51pm EDT