Miscellaneous - http://maxpages.com/starfire7s/TAX

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for
two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994
Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether
these are my children or not for years. They are evil and
expensive. It's only fair that since they are minors and not
my responsibility that the government who evidently is
taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows
something about them and what to expect over the next
year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me
and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask
her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where
she can answer people's questions about their returns.
While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to
hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can
name. Taxes should be a breeze; Next year she is
going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now
be responsible for that little expense. While you mull
that over keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't
run at the moment so you have the immediate decision
of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to
fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school.
Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she
possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her
alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally
remind her of the virtues of abstinence. This is always
always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will
be handling this in the future.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one.
His eyes are a little close together for normal people.
He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do
not incarcerate him first. In February, I was rudely
awakened at three in the morning by a police officer
who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends
were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like
him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden,
UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare,
so you never know what might happen next. His
hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye,
what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll
have plenty of time since he is sitting out a few
days of school after instigating a food fight.
I'll take care of filing your phone number
with the vice principal since you're
going to be very busy. Oh yes, he and
all of his friends have raging hormones.
This place will be much more peaceful
when he lives in your home. DO NOT
eave any of them unsupervised with
girls, explosives, inflammables,
vehicles, or telephones.

Heather is an alien. She slid through a
time warp and appeared quite by magic
one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She
is 10 going on 21. She came from a
bad trip in the sixties. She wears
tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and
hair that looks like Tiny Tim's.
Fortunately, you will be raising my taxes
to help offset the pinch of remedial reading
courses. Hooked On Phonics is very
expensive so the schools dropped it. Good
news! You can buy it yourself for half the
amount of the deduction that you are
denying! It's quite obvious that we were
terrible parents (ask the other two) so
they have helped raise this one to a new
level of terror. She cannot speak
English. Most people under twenty
understand the curious patois she
fashioned out of valley girls/boys in:
hod/egge/yuppie/political doulespeak.
I don't. The school sends her to a
speech pathologist who has her roll
her R's. It added a refreshing
Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She
wears hats backwards, pants baggy
and wants one of her ears pierced
four more times. There is a fascination
with tattoos that worries me but I am
sure that you can handle it. Bring a
truck when you come to get her, as
she sort of "nests" in her room and I
think that would be easier to move
the entire thing than find out what it
is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions
so it is only fair you get to pick the two
you will take. I prefer that you take the
youngest, I will still go bankrupt with
Kristen's college but then I am free! If
you take the two oldest then I still have
time for counseling before Heather
becomes a teenager. If you take the
two girls then I won't feel so bad about
putting Patrick in a military academy.
Please let me know of your decision as
soon as possible as I have already
increased the withholding on my W-4 to
cover the $395 in additional tax and to
make a down payment on an airplane.

Yours Truly,

Robert W.

Editors note:

Robert later notified us:
"Rats, they allowed the deductions

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Page Updated Mon Mar 8, 1999 1:04pm EST