Miscellaneous - http://maxpages.com/starfire7s/My_Favorite

There are two nude statues, man and
woman, standing across from each other
in a secluded park. A few hundred years
after they've been put in place, an angel
flutters down to them. A wave of his hand,
and suddenly the statues have been given
flesh and they step down from their pedestals.
The angel says, "I have been sent to grant
the mutual request you both have made after
hundreds of years of standing across from
each other, unable to move. But be quick--you
only have fifteen minutes until you must become
statues again."

The man looks at the woman, and they both flush,
and giggle, and run off into some underbrush. An
intense rustling comes from the bushes, and seven
minutes later, they both come back to the angel,
obviously satisfied. The angel smiles at the
couple. "That was only seven minutes, why not go
back and do it again?"

The former statues look at each other for a minute,
and then the woman says, "Why not? But let's reverse
it this time--you hold down the pigeon, and I'll
poop on it...."
***
A man was walking along a California beach and
stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and
rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the
lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this
month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes
so you can forget about three. You only get one wish."

The man sat and thought about it for a while and
said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm
scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you
build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over
there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's
impossible! Think of the logistics of
that! How would the supports ever reach
the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how
much concrete...how much steel!! No...
think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a
really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've
been married and divorced four times. My
wives always said that I don't care and that
I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could
understand women, know how they feel inside
and what they're thinking when they give me
the silent treatment....know why they're
crying, know what they really want when
they say 'nothing'....know how to make them
truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two
lanes or four?"
**
In Africa, one cannibal was overheard saying
to another, as they were eating a clown,

"Does this taste funny to you?"
***
Running Bear

Running Bear woke up one morning
to discover that he was a man. As
such, he deduced, he would require
a woman. So he trekked on over to
the Medicine Man's teepee to
requisition a woman.

"What you want, Running Bear?"
queried the Medicine Man.

"Running Bear want woman!"

"Hmmm," said the Medicine Man,
"do you know what to do with a
woman once you've got her?"

"Uh," said Running Bear, "no..."

"Then go into the woods for two
months. Find a tree with a hole in
it, and practice on the tree. Once
you have perfected your technique
with the tree, come back to me and
I will give you a woman."

Running Bear agreed, and set off into
the woods. Sure enough, he found a tree
with the appropriately sized hole, and
began his two months of practice.

Two months later, he returned to the
Medicine Man with pride in his eyes.

"Okay," he said to the Medicine Man,
"me know what to do. Give me woman."

The Medicine Man nodded and brought
a pretty young squaw from the back
of the teepee.

"Little Flower," he said to her,
"you now belong to Running Bear.
Do as he asks."

Running Bear and Little Flower then
retire to a vacant teepee where
Running Bear instructs her to bend over.
She shrugs and complies. Running Bear
then gives her a swift kick in the rear.

"Hey!" cried Little Flower. "What did you
do that for?"

"Me no stupid," explained Running Bear,
"Me check for bees first."

FOR MORE GREAT HUMOR:

http://www.laffaday.com/cgi-local/linklist-
laff/home.cgi?referrer=35

"MEN JUST NEVER LISTEN"

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, but each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendants "Ladies Room" but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There, next to the paper roll were four buttons marked respectively:

WW WA PP ATR

Making the mistake sooooo many men make of not listening
to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.

He careful pressed the WW button and immediately a
gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He
thought, "Wow, these gals really have it nice."

So, a little more boldly he pressed the WA button. Body
temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.

"Ah ha," he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kind of services" So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button...When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off, so in confusion, he buzzed the nurse to find out where he was and what had happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the "Automatic Tampon Removal Button." ""By the way, your penis is under your pillow.""

When the Pope last visited the U.S., he was in a hurry to get from one event to the next. He hopped in the back seat of his limousine, and asked the driver to step on it. The driver sped down the highway, but it wasn't fast enough for the Pope. "Please go faster," he told the driver. So the driver went faster. Still not going fast enough to get there in time, the Pope tried again, urging the driver to speed up. Finally, the Pope suggested that the driver pull over immediately and switch seats with him. The driver, not knowing what else to do, pulled over and got in the back seat. The pope took his seat behind the wheel of the car and flew down the highway. After only a few miles, a police car, with flashing red and blue lights, pulled the Pope over. When the officer saw who was in the driver's seat, he "really" didn't know what to do. He went to his radio and called in. "Chief," he said, "I pulled a speeding limo over, but I'm not sure what to do."
"Give him a ticket," said the chief.
"But he's very important," replied the officer.
"Who is it, the mayor?" asked the chief.
"No, he's more important than the mayor."
"The governor?"
"No," said the officer, "more important than the governor."
"Well, who is it? Is it the president?" asked the chief.
"I don't think so.", replied the officer.
"Well, WHO is it then?" demanded the chief.
"Chief, I don't know WHO it is, but his driver is the Pope!"

Smile, Jesus loves you!

Starfire7s@aol.com

Smile......Jesus love you!

Starfire7s@aol.com

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Page Updated Sun Apr 18, 1999 10:27am EDT