Spoons 3 - By Max Mendelsohn - Comedy & Humor - http://maxpages.com/spoons/Spoons

The name's Spoon, Sam Spoon and I intend to tell you a story of a far off place that really does exist. I've been there myself. Well, I haven't really seen it, but she said that he said that his sister's cousin's roommate's white rat has been there. It all begins in a spaceship passing earth. The ship entered the atmosphere with its shields up to make cameras fuzzy and make anyone who looks at it a raving lunatic. I almost feel sorry for the fellow who saw it. This ship didn't even stop on earth; it just slid through the atmosphere to replenish its supplies of air. This particular ship contained Forks that were on there way to a planet. That planet was called Iskabible. I say was, for a reason, mind you. I am on that ship. As you remember, the ship is on a collision course with Iskabible. But here's the tricky part: they all say it's my fault that the ship is crashing and they want me to die first. So, they tied me on the front of the ship to get smushed. Most people would be saying their prayers, but not me, being the Houdini that I am. I slipped free of the ropes and flew to safety. Yes, I can slice, dice, fly- -I can do it all, and you can too for a low introductory price of $19.99 a month for 99 months.* When I landed I felt the warm grass under my feet and the warm air on my face. This was paradise. The planet had an atmosphere change when its sun had a small super nova as special effects for a movie that no one ever saw.
Where was I? Oh yeah! Well the grass sure was warm, but then it started to singe. Then my feet went a little numb. Then when I looked down I saw the grass wasn't green. It was more red and seemed to resemble lava. I got out of that "grass" as quickly as possible. I ran and ran and ran and ran until I could run no more. I actually ran into a building, but that doesn't matter now, does it? When I woke up I saw a lot of Forks all standing around looking down at me. I heard a loud noise like a siren. A large red and white vehicle pulled up. As it stopped, two Forks came out and pulled out a stretcher and said"Ddbclm aajkbbbblm @iibc lmghjk ghef?"
The other replied by saying "De bbghggjjjjdddeggefijgh (jjdd@tt abii@abef ijddghjnkffbbgg'jj aabc jjddbciibc)
The first one said, "Jjddbc ddghijhhdejj@ffklteffff ddbcffhh. Hijkdeabef, jjgh jjddbc ccghiieffgghaadeffbc!"
They loaded me up into the vehicle, which I figured was an ambulance and started off to what I thought was a hospital. On the way there they gave me an injection. Almost immediately I dropped into a deep sleep. When I woke up I was in a hospital bed. I waited in the bed for a while. When the doctor came in, he looked at me and looked at his watch, then looked at me again and promptly left. I thought about what could be on his watch. Then I thought about where he could be going. Then I wondered why I couldn't understand those two Forks with the ambulance and why I couldn't understand them but I understood everyone else on the trip here. Then I thought that I had thought enough for a while and went to sleep. Rest was good. Until a loud speaker came on to disturb my restful sleep, "Dr. Hooomfolet, please go to room B132436576 to see the new patient."
About fifteen minutes later a Fork walked in carrying a large bag. He was about a foot shorter than me. Then he did something that surprised me. He said, "Hello."
The strange part about this is he said it and I could understand. Shakily I answered. "Hello?"
"Is that a question or an answer?" He snapped in a military-like voice that even made me want to salute him.
"Answer, sir!" I answered.
"That's better. Now I know that you aren't sick with any illness, and I know you're a Spoon, I know this is the first time a Spoon has been on Iskabible, and I know what you did last summer. Now with all this knowledge I have, I had a correlated report written that will act as a guidebook and will provide you with places to go, places to stay, and most importantly, places to eat. This guide will also answer any questions that you may have."
I took the book, opened it up and saw only blank pages. "How do I work this thing, it doesn't have any pictures?"
When I looked up I saw that the weird doctor was gone. When I looked back at the book, it had the words printed on it All you have to do is ask a question.
So I asked a question that had been nagging me for a while now, "Why couldn't I understand those two social workers and I could understand everyone else?"
The injection they gave you put a language transfer modifier into your body.
"Huh?"
The shot they gave you made it so you can understand everyone and the wiring in the ship you were on had the same effect.
Well I guess this thing really does work. Now how do I get out of here? Immediately a map was in the book. When I finally found an exit, you wouldn't believe what I saw.

WHAT DID SAM SEE?
Find out next month in Spoons 4!

December 1999

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Page Updated Mon Aug 18, 2003 10:49pm EDT