Spoons 2 - By Max Mendelsohn - Comedy & Humor - http://maxpages.com/spoons/Spoons

My name is Sam. I am a Spoon. The only Spoon left in the universe. The world has been destroyed. I'm the only one left. There's nothing left, and I mean nothing. Absolute zip. Nada. A giant robot came out of my TV and destroyed it all. Life's little twists are funny aren't they?
The rest of the Spoons are gone. The Forks are here; they destroyed the robot. They are nice. The robot was not nice. He is gone now. Yeah!! The Forks beamed me up to their spaceship. They were on their way to Iskabible. It was as big ship and was quite beautiful. In the beginning I relaxed and drank fine imported errr, water. Things happened slowly. One day I had the urge to go where no Spoon had gone before, but I ignored it. The next day I got bored, so I roamed around the ship and found the weapons compartment. I found the stockpile of lightsabers. I chose my favorite color of beam. It was purple with pink polka dots.
I spent a week getting to learn more about the Forks. We studied about them in school, but I was distracted by an exceptionally beautiful female. The Forks are a fun loving race; they eat a lot of chocolate. Personally I hate the stuff, but as the Forks saved my life, I have to eat some at each meal. They spend the day sticking stuff on their heads. They sometimes have contests to see who can hold the most weight on their heads. They call this forking. Once a year they have a large competition called the Forking Bowl. I've never seen one of these events, but the Forks insist that I do. There is one of the best teams in the league on Iskabible.
During my third month, I was feeling restless so I took out my lightsaber. Ahhh! I cut off my finger! Good thing I can regenerate limbs. I can regenerate limbs, can't I? No, well I didn't really need that finger anyway. Now to play with the lightsaber. Ohhh, pretty! Zap, there goes a lamp. Then there was a loud noise; it sounded like an alarm or something. The PA system announced, "Knives coming in fast. Battle stations now."
They slammed down the walls of my room. They were horrifying looking creatures. They were small and thin, but the strangest part about them is they had absolutely no place to hold food!!! Lightsaber drawn, I set carnage to them all. It was a very bloody battle. I chopped off an arm. Bam! There goes a leg. Heads went flying. More or less it was a great time. When the knives retreated, the floor was covered in pieces of Forks and Knives. Then the PA system came back on, "Release the hounds!"
About two hundred dogs came rushing in and devoured all the carcasses. When the dogs were gone, the ship was utterly spotless. Finally when the action calmed down, we had a huge party. Boy do those Forks know how to party! On about the third day of partying, we finally stopped. It was a great time.
A week or two after the attack I went to the bridge and approached a man in a large rotating chair. "Who were these knives? I just assumed they were evil."
"I don't know, ask the captain; he is over there," he pointed to a man sitting on a small bed of nails.
Once again I asked, "What are these knives? I just thought they were evil."
"They are," he answered in a dreamy voice. "Not too long ago in a galaxy not too far from here, we made a mistake. We gave the Knives our technology, and they took advantage of us. Now they are trying to take over the universe. They have become our archenemies. They hate us. We hate them. They like war. We like pizza. Now we need to slaughter them like the knives they are. I will teach you the proper way to kill them. Do you accept my offer?"
"Yes." I really didn't want to, but I felt like I had no choice. The first mate took care of the ship while the captain gave me training. The first day we started he told me to move a rock, so I bent over and picked it up. He seemed pleased, but added, "Bend at the knees, not at the waist."
After a while, I noticed the difference. We moved stuff all day. I had a lot of fun. The next day I was primed to move more rocks. The captain told me it was time to run, so I asked how high; he told me to jump I asked how far. We practiced like that for a while, and then one day he said, "FLY."
I just asked, "How?"
"Well I'll show you. You need to use the Sporce."
"The Sporce? Isn't that hard?"
"Nah. Hand me that carabineer."
He took it and attached it to his belt. He then hit a small switch and the sound of a motor went on. He said some strange unpronounceable words. Then to my amazement, he lifted off the ground and flew away. It scared me, so I put my head under a tree. I thought if I couldn't see him, he couldn't see me. I was wrong. He spotted me and told me to remove my head from the tree. He explained how the motor brought him up for the illusion of flying. It was my turn; I got the carabineer, hooked it up to my belt, and hit the switch. I was flying. There's nothing quite like it. It's wonderful to feel the wind in your hair. I was free. I had nothing holding me back, except for the rope. After a while, he brought me down. He was proud of me.
"Your training is complete as a Knife killer. Good job. Keep practicing." Then he died.
I was really sad but the other Forks didn't seem to care. Then I saw and smelled why. We were closing in on landing in Iskabible. The planet was large and inviting. It smelled a lot like chocolate and pizza. The planet itself looked like Saturn but with green and brown splotches. Once we went through the thick atmosphere I was about to look at Iskabible for the first time; the PA system came back on, "Please calmly move to the emergency exit nearest you situated in the front sides and rear. We are currently on a collision course with Iskabible. Have a nice day."
SEE YOU NEXT MONTH IN SPOONS 3

November 1999

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Page Updated Mon Aug 18, 2003 10:49pm EDT