1. Congratulations on your new job. You were never liked here anyway.
2. Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife.
3. When I heard about the operation, I just had to ask...am I in your will?
4. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After meeting you, I've changed my mind.
5. If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister.
6. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, though, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.
7. I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened, especially since you survived.
8. For every year that goes by, Mother, I just think of that inheritance getting closer and closer....
9. I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.
10. Sex with you is like using drugs: lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.
11. The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating ass.
12. We have been friends for a very long time. Let's say we call it quits.
13. I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
14. If you ever need a friend...buy a dog.
15. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?
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