CHTHONIAN GAZETTE
Berlin, Germany, December 23 -- The eminent philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche
pronounced God dead today. Dr. James Hillman, chief pathologist
at the Bethlehem University Hospital, performed the autopsy
and determined the cause of death to be
God's own good health.
Interviews with relieved friends and family
reveals that God was not only a perfectionist,
but a tight-fisted, blustering old man,
a veritable tyrant around the house,
of whom every child was in deathly fear.
"Behind his facade of love and caring, he was actually an old grouch,"
his mother is alleged to have said to reporters this evening.
"I just don't know what got into him," she went on to say.
"He was such a good boy."
His wife, however, had this to say about that:
"He was addicted to power. He loved to lord it over me
and our children, and the truth be told,
he held us in an iron grip all our lives.
I cannot begin to tell you what a relief it is
now that he is gone."
God did not leave a last will and testament.
"He didn't think he would ever die," his sister reported.
"It must have come as quite a shock to him.
When we were kids I used to tease him about his claims
of immortality,
but he was deadly serious in his belief
that he would live forever."
Because there is no will, all his worldly goods,
as well as his power and authority
will pass to his mother and her daughters,
a spokesperson said.
Oddly enough,
in spite of his claim
of thousands of followers,
not a single person showed up
at the funeral.
He was buried in a small, nondescript plot,
without fanfare,
just east of Eden.
Rumor has it that his so-called faithful followers
were busy at various parties around town,
preparing for the coming of Santa Claus
just a few days hence.
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