Cool story jokes right here. - Enjoy yourself and kill yourself with laughter... I hope... - Miscellaneous

A boastful American from Texas was being shown the sights of London by a taxi driver.
"What's that building there?" asked the Texan.
"That's the Tower of London, sir," replied the driver.
"Say, we can put up a building like that in two weekse back in Texas!" drawled the Texan.
A little later he said: "What's this building we're passing now?"
"It's Buckingham Palace, where the Queen lives."
"Is that so? We could put up a building like that in a week!"
A few moments later they were passing Westminster Abbey. "Hey cabbie, what's that building over there?"
"I'm afraid I don't know sir, it wasn't there this morning."

This boy was sitting at the dinner table with his mom and his dad.
He picked up a piece of cheese and said, "I don't like this cheese with the holes in it."
His father replied, "That's ok son. Eat the cheese and leave the holes."

A girl's Grandmother said to her, "Eat your greens and you'll grow up to be a beautiful lady."
So the girl replied: "Oh so you didn't eat yours then Gran?"

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?" "I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob. "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!" (NOTE the Canadian had Scottish HERITAGE)

A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Toilette pepper!"

On the first day of Grade Three, Johnnie's teacher asked thestudents to count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes. At home he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son." The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students to recite the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but Johnnie outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only the letter "m". That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained to him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son". The next day, after Physical Education, theboys were taking showers. Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night, he asked his Dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?" "No, son, "explained Dad, "That's because you're 18."

There are approximately two billion children
(persons under 18) in the world. However,
since Santa does not visit children of Muslim,
Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in
Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for
Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378
million (according to the population reference
bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5
children per household, that comes to 108
million homes, presuming there is at least one
good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours
of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the
earth, assuming east to west (which seems
logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per
second. This is to say that for each Christian
household with a good child, Santa has around
1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop
out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings,
distribute the remaining presents under the tree,
eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get
back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and
get onto the next house. Assuming that each of
these 108 million stops is evenly distributed
around the earth (which, of course, we know
to be false, but will accept for the purposes of
our calculations), we are not talking about 0.78
miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million
miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.
This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650
miles per second--3,000 times the speed of
sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest
man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe,
moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a
conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles
per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds
another interesting element. Assuming that each
child gets nothing more than a medium sized
LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying
over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa
himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can
pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting
that "flying reindeer can pull 10 times the
normal amount, the job can't be done with
eight or even nine of them---Santa would need
360,000 of them. This increases the payload,
not counting the weight of the sleigh, another
54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight
of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the
monarch). A mass of nearly 600,000 tons
travelling at 650 miles per second creates
enormous air resistance - this would heat up
the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft
re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead
pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion
joules of energy per second each. In short,
they would burst into flames almost
instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind
them and creating deafening sonic booms in
their wake. The entire reindeer team would be
vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second,
or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth
house on his trip. Not that it matters, however,
since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a
dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds,
would be subjected to acceleration forces of
17,000 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems
ludicrously slim considering all the high calorie
snacks he must have consumed over the years)
would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by
4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing
his bones and organs and reducing him to a
quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa
did exist, he's dead now.
MERRY CHISTMAS!!!

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were
getting ready to go out on dates. The first
beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie,
I'm
here to pick up Betty. We're going for
spaghetti, is she ready?"
No. The second beau came to the door and
said,
"I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to
the show. Is she ready to go?"
No. The third beau came to the door and said
to
the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck."
The farmer shot Chuck.

I love you,
you love me,
lets hang barney from a tree,
with 4 foot rope lets beat him with a stick,
purple dinos make me sick.

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their
adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a
peg-leg, hook and an eye patch. The seaman asks "So, how did
you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept
overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling
me out, a shark bit my leg off".

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?

"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship
and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the
enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked
incredulously.

"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook."

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool
came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"

Deep thoughts....
1) Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2) I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
3) I am in shape. Round's a shape...
4) I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5) Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6) I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
7) Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
8) But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
9) Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
10) You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.
11) I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
12) The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
13) Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
14) I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
15) A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
16) Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library;the James Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day
complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up," said one
doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards."
"Just last week I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with contempt,but did not utter a word. This went on for a days.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. You got me on this one ... where's the boat?"

One day, Hercules, Snow White and the Quazzimoto (Hunchback of Notre Dame)were standing around talking. Hercules spoke up and said, "I bet I am the strongest man in the world." Snow White then looked around and said, "Well I bet that I am the most beautiful person in the world." Then Quazzimoto looks around and quietly said, "I suppose that I am the ugliest man in the world." An old man who had been listening in on there conversation said,"There is a phsycic on top of that hill up there, why don't you each go in there and ask her yourself?" The three friends agreed and they hiked to the top of the hill. Hercules went in first and came out a few minutes later and said, "I was right, I am the strongest man in the world." Snow White went in next. She came out a few minutes later and said, "I was also right, I am the most beautiful person in the world." Finally it was Quazzimoto's turn. He went in and after a few minutes he came out scratching his head. He looks up at his friends and said, "Who is Dennis Rodman?"

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project--an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano." said Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then,looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?" So Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

soul_darcy@yahoo.com

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Page Updated Sat Jun 5, 1999 10:59am EDT