More Jokes to Tickle you Silly! - Miscellaneous - http://maxpages.com/soulbabe/More_Funny

One day a rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded, he had everything; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars,planes; anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he was, he and his friends all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to the pool.
The guy got up on the lifeguard tower and all his friends looked up. He called for silence and said, "The first person that swims across my pool will get all my money."
No one moves. The guy looked over the crowd, drew on his joint and
said,"OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money AND my house."
Still no one moves. "OK then, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money, my house; AND all my cars and planes."
Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time. "OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all the dope you can handle,all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own."
Splash! Someone was in the pool. Crocodiles were all over him, but he rolled over like Tarzan, he's all over the place, fighting and dodging.
Finally he got out of the pool on the other side.
The rich guy jumped down from the tower and ran over to him. "That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done. Do you want the money now or later?"
"I don't want the money."
"Do you want the house now or later?"
"I don't want the house."
"The cars and planes?"
"I don't want the cars or planes."
"Bonds, stocks?"
"I don't want that either."
"Drugs?"
"I don't want the drugs."
"Girls?"
"I don't want the girls."
The rich guy looked at him and asked, "Well, what the hell do you
want?!?!"
"It's simple. I want the bastard that pushed me in!"

A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried
away and talks for two hours.
Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says; "I'm sorry I talked so
long. I left my watch at home."
A voice from the back of the room says, "There's a calendar behind
you."

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN

A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer were lined up at the guillotine
to be be-headed. They were given the choice to look up or to look
facing down in the guillotine. The priest said, "Well heaven is up,
so I'll look up, so I can see where I'm going." So they placed the
priest in the guillotine facing up and released the blade.The blade
stopped just inches from the priest, so they let him go thinking it
was a miracle.The drunkard thought , "Well if it worked for the
priest, it might work for me,"so they placed him in the guillotine
looking up. They released the blade, and it stopped just inches
from the drunkard, so they let him go thinking , this was also a
miracle.The engineer thought, "Well why not?"So they put him in the guillotine looking up, and the engineer said, "Oh I see what your problem is!"

A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal
deodorant. The assistant explains that they don't stock them. The
man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The
assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that
store has never stocked such an item.
The man explains he bought his last one from this store only
weeks ago and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks
man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product.
The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the
deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the
customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of
the underarm stick variety.
The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, "Push up
bottom to use."

An old man and woman were married for years even though they
hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and
yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement
was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I
die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and
haunt you for the rest of your life!" They believed he practiced black
magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and
strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had
a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local
bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of
her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors
approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid?
Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and
stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave
to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old so and so dig. I
had him buried upside down."

Q. What is most men's idea of a seven course meal?
A. A pizza and a six pack.

EXPRESSIONS FOR HIGH STRESS DAYS1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box, now are we?3. You! Off my planet !!
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. And your cry-baby whiny opinion would be...?
6. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
7. Allow me to introduce my selves.8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
10. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
11. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
12. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
13. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you
haven't fallen asleep yet.
14. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
15. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
16. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
17. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
18. Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 2?
19. Okay, okay, I take it back20. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
21. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
22. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
23. Earth is full. Go home. 24. Is it time for your medication or mine?
25. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
26. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
27. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
28. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

Dough, the stuff I buy beer with,
Ray, the guy I buy beer from;
Me, the one I buy beer for,
Far, the distance to the store;
So I think I'll have a beer -
Lah, lah lah lah lah lah laaaaaaaah.
Tea? No thanks I 'll have a beer,
That will bring us back to dough dough dough dough...

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't
been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup
the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. "I'm
afraid I have some bad news.You're dying and you don't have much
time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
"10.." says the doctor.
"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately."10...9...8...7..."

"I'm really worried," exclaimed Sam.
"Why?" Pete asked. "Well, my wife read `A Tale of Two Cities' and
we had twins. Later she read `The Three Musketeers' and we had
triplets. Now she's reading `Birth of a Nation!"

Three elderly ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.
One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in
my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I
need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the
landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way
up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem;
knock on wood." as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then
added, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

Actual Bumper Sticker:
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in
his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, from
the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word:
Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well,
until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after
the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and
seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the
sidewalks in town. When people come to the confessional,
they keep talking about having 'fallen.'"
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told
the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing
finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're
laughing about! Your wife fell three times this week."

This virus warning is genuine.
There is a new virus going around, called "work."
If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet
or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT. This has
been circulating around our building for months and those who have
been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that
their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at
all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the
words "I've had enough of your crap... I'm off to the pub."
The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you
receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and
drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and
skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of
beer (or rum punch).
After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will
no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the
greatest cartoon ever. Send this message to everyone in your address book.
If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the
"work" virus has already corrupted your life.

A little boy comes in and says to his mother, "Is it true that we
come from dust and return to dust?" "That's what the Bible says," she
answered. "Well, somebody is either coming or going under my bed," he said.

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one
guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from
listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what
street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary
Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to
what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me,
what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar
tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and
orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters,
"It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they
failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play
in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.
The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to
get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor
wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.
"Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't
noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone
knows Old MacDonald had a farm."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."
He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the
blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he
whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled: E-I-E-I- O."

How many members of your Sign does it take to change a light bulb?
ARIES:Just one. You want to make something of it?
TAURUS:One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is
useless and should be thrown away.
GEMINI:Two, but the job never gets done-they just keep discussing who is
supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
CANCER:Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through
the grieving process.
LEO:Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will
get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they are out.
VIRGO:Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
LIBRA:Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is
that OK with you?
SCORPIO:That information is strictly secret and shared only with the
Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.
SAGITTARIUS:The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives
head of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
CAPRICORN:I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
AQUARIUS:Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so....
PISCES:Light bulb? What light bulb?

The doctor entered the waiting room. "I have some good news for
you, Mrs.Douglas --" "Pardon me," she interrupted, "but it's Miss."
The doctor continued, "I have some bad news for you, Miss Douglas."

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great
expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in
the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'"

Who were the beta testers for Preparation A through Preparation G?

If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats
only endangered plants?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are
they all still working?

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

When you choke a smurf what color does it turn?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself is it
a hostage situation?

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy
drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was
doing and she said she was shopping on the Internet, and they asked
for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

Paddy and Murphy are flying the 10.30 Aer Lingus flight from Heathrow
to Dublin.As they come in over the East Coast of Ireland ... the following
conversation ensues...
"Sheeeezzz" said Paddy "Will ye look at how short dat runway is".
"You're not kiddin', Paddy" replied Murphy.
"Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see"said Paddy.
"You're not kiddin', Paddy" replied Murphy.
"Right Murphy. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse"said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Murphy.
"And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Murphy.
"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Murphy.
"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy
"I be doing dat already" replied Murphy.
So they approached the runway with Paddy and Murphy full of nerves and
sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Murphy put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and
prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.
Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Murphy and everyone on board.
As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Murphy "Dat has gotta be de shortest bloomin' runway I have EVER seen in me whole life".
Murphy looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how flippin' wide it is".

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked and bring beer

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Page Updated Tue Nov 16, 1999 2:45pm EST