Bubba & his fire
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burnt pretty bad. The morgue
needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl
and Gomer, were sent for.
Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl
said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." The mortician
rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer
in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup,
he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over
and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went
to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'
Out of College
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN OUT OF COLLEGE TOO LONG WHEN....
Your potted plants stay alive..
Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
You carry an umbrella.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds.
Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms
and pregnancy test kits.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi &
Ho-ho's
'I just can't drink the way I used to' replaces 'I'm never going
to drink that much again'
Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real
work.
You don't get liquored up at home, to save money, before going to a
bar.
Little Tom
Little Tom was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered
over the fence.Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up
to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tom?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tom tearfully, without looking up, "and I've
just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned.
"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tom patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "that's because
he's inside your fucking cat
A little old lady
A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.
She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded
biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.
She proclaims "I want to join your biker club."
The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker
requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her "You
have a bike?"
The little old lady says "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points
to a Harley parked in the driveway.
The biker asks her "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a
day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by
the Fuzz?"
The little old lady says
"No, never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my
nipples a few times."
Work Phrases
Handy Work-Related Phrases
1. Ahhh... I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
26. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
27. It might look like I'm doing nothing but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
28. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
29. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
Chevy Awards
These are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award. This is
given out in honor of the GM's fiasco in trying to market this
car in Central and South America. "No va" means, of course,
in Spanish, "it doesn't go".
1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign
"Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It
was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation
read "Are you lactating?"
2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where
it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the
following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an
Electrolux."
4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into
Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not
too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used
the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the
label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely
put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people
can't read.
6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the
name of a notorious porno magazine.
7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the
Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I
saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato"
(la papa).
8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated
into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in
Chinese.
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela",
meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with
wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000
characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole",
translating into "happiness in the mouth."
10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to
make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it
takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its
ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket
and embarrass you."
The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate)
meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your
pocket and make you pregnant!"
12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new
leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated
its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero)
in Spanish!
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