Married With Laughter - This page has jokes about marrige's !!! - Advertising

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said," That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."

---------------

Forwarded From: Lee Ann Culver

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and Said You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes."I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all tarnation broke loose in the room. They heardscreaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said , "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

--------

One Sunday morning Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt.

After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.

Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him."Chelsea was heart-broken.

After eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June." Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, honey. I'm awfully sorry about this." Chelsea was furious!

She finally decided to go to her mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm...I guess I'm never going to get married," she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother."

Hillary just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

---------------------

Forwarded From: Lee Ann Culver

Hillary is waiting at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes up and says, "I know you were somebody down on Earth, but you are just like everyone else up here, so you will have to wait your turn.

Hillary takes a seat and notices this wall covered with clocks. She also notices that every now and then, different clocks jump 15 minutes ahead of time.

When St. Peter returns, Hillary says, "What's with all the clocks?"

St. Peter replies, "Well, each clock represents a man back on Earth."

Hillary asks, "Why is it that some of the clocks skip ahead 15 minutes?"

"Every time a clock skips, that means that a man has committed adultry," answers St. Peter.

"Which one is my husband's clock?" inquires Hillary.

"God has that one in his office," answers St. Peter. "He uses it as a fan."

----------------------------------

Prison Vs Being a Housewife
Forwarded From: Lee Ann Culver

In prison you get three square meals a day.
At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.

In prison you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.
At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation.

In prison you get to watch TV, cable even.
At home you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and
get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.

In prison you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.
At home you get to read weekly readers staring Dick, Jane and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.

In prison all your medical care is free.
At home you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.

In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.
At home you get to clean for days advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.

In prison you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day.
At home you get to clean your space and everyone else's space too and what the hell is free time again?

In prison there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn't. At home....stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?

E-MAIL ME AT -----> ss2003@hotmail.com

Visitors: 05579

Page Updated Thu Jan 28, 1999 2:29pm EST