Dirty Jokes - This shit is funny..... is the best - Advertising

This guy's going on a business trip and while gone, he doesn't want his wife fucking every guy in town. So he goes down to the local sex toy shop and asks the clerk what he's got. "Well, sir, we got the dildos, strap-ons, vibrators, those are our most popular."
"No, no! My wife has all that shit! I need something...I don't know...different." The clerk looks at the man and reaches under the counter and pulls out a wooden box covered in dust.

"This, my friend, is the Voodoo Dick!" He pulls the cover off and there's a very ordinary looking dildo inside.

"Big fucking deal!" says the man, "It looks like every other cock in the shop!"

"But you haven't seen what it can do yet! Voodoo, dick the door!" and the voodoo dick rises up and shoots into the key hole of the door and starts fucking the shit out of it! And just before the door is about to explode, the clerk says, "Voodoo, back in your box!" The voodoo dick stops and cruises on back to its box.

"How much!" yelled the man.

"$700...cash!" The man agreed and took it home to his wife.

"Now honey, all you have to do is say, voodoo, dick my pussy, and it'll fuck you all night long!" She rolls her eyes and walks away.

So it's been a couple days and his wife is getting really horny. She's about to call up one of her boy friends and then she remembers...THE VOODOO DICK!!! "Voodoo dick my pussy!" she says and immediately, the cock starts fucking her with amazing speed! She's screaming and creaming all over the place. After 9 orgasms, she decides she's had enough. She tries pulling it out, but it keeps fucking her!!! So she decides to go down to the hospital to see if they can do anything. She puts on a dress and starts driving down the highway. "Ahhhhhh! Holy shit!" she's screaming, still creaming. She almost swerves off the road and a cop pulls her over.

"License and registration please, and how much have you had to drink tonight?" says the cop.

"No, sir, you see there's, ahhhhh! this voodoo dick stuck in my pussy!"

The cop replies, "Yea, right! Voodoo dick my ass!"

One day this hippie was on a bus and saw a nun. He went up to her and said "come on have sex with me" she said "no that would be against my religion! "The nun got off the bus at the church. The bus driver over heard the conversation and told the hippie to dress up as someone else and go into the church and ask her again. The next day the hippie got high and dressed up as someone else. He saw the nun in the church praying and asked her to have sex with him. She said o.k. but you have to fuck me through the butt so I won't lose my virgenity. They did it and after the hippie pulled off his mask and said "ha ha I'm the hippie"the nun pulled off her mask and said"ha ha I'm the bus driver".

A couple was invited to a masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping for an hour, awakened feeling much better so she decided to go to the party. Since her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she got to the party and spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came home and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Don and Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner:
"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape. "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.

"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.

So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?" Only one word leapt to mind. "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."

"Of course," said the Pope.

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Page Updated Thu Jan 28, 1999 2:29pm EST