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Xander: The dead rose! We should have at least had an assembly.
(the Harvest)

Xander: I don't like vampires. I'm gonna take a stand and say the're not good.
(The Harvest)

Xander: I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.
(Witch)

Xander: Been there, tried that. Not unlike smothering a forest fire with napalm, as I recall
(this year's girl)

Vampire Willow: Buffy. Ooooh. Scary
Vampire Xander: Someone has to talk to her people. That name is striking fear in nobody's heart.

*Xander: Apparently Buffy has decided the problem with the English language is all those pesky words. You. Angel. Big. Smoochies?
Buffy: Shut. Up

*Willow: I'm kind of curious to find out what sort of career I could have.
Xander: What, and suck all the spontanaity out of being young and stupid? I'd rather live in the dark.
Willow: You're not going to be young forever
Xander: Yes, but I'll always be stupid.... Okay, let's not all rush to disagree

* Xander: What are you going to do about it?
Larry: I'm gonna do what any man would do about it. Something damn manly.

*Willow: You just don't like him 'cause of that time he beat you up every day for five years.
Xander: Yeah, I'm irrational that way.

*Jenny: You're here again? You kids really dig the library, don't you?"
Buffy: We're literary.
Xander: To read makes our speaking English good

*Xander: Well, this is new territory for me. I mean, my valentines are usually met with heartfelt restraining orders

*Xander: 'I'm a conquistador... I'm a comfortador also.'

:In original teleplay:
Xander: It's all my fault
Giles: What makes you say that
Xander: I don't know...statistical probability.
(Doppelgangland)

Xander: I'd hate to see the pursuit of a homicidal lunatic get in the way of pursuing a homicidal lunatic
(This year's girl)

Xander: Hi, for those of you who just tuned in, everyone here is a crazy person.

Xander: Calm may work for Locutus of the Borg here, but I'm freaked out, and I intend to stay that way.

Xander: I'm not worried. If there's something bad out there, we'll find, you'll slay, we'll party.

Xander: Dorkhead? You lash me with your words!

Xander: Generally speaking, when scary things get scared, not good.

Xander: What's going on here? People are going all Felicity with their hair.

Xander: We're right behind you, only further back.

Xander: Those that can, do, those that can't, laugh at those that can do.

Xander: Forgiveness is my middle name. Well, actually it's LaVelle, but I'd appreciate it if you guard that secret with your life.

Xander: If anyone sees my spine lying about, just try not to step on it.

Buffy: How's you get out?
Riley: I walked
Willow: They didn't try to stop you?#
Riley: The did. Repeatedly. But then I told them they couldn't keep me without a major ass-kicking one way or another...and here I am
Xander: That's great, Riley. And you know, there's no polite way to ask you this but- did they put a chip in your brain?
(This year's girl)

*The mayor's going to kill us all during graduation.
Cordelia: Oh. Are you gonna go to fifth period?
Xander: I'm thinking I might skip it.
(Graduation day part 1)

*Willow: Do you think there's something wrong? Should you maybe tell Giles?
Buffy: I don't want to bug Giles. He's still twitchy about the subject of Angel.
Xander: Must be that whole Angel-killed-his-girlfriend-and-tortured-him thing. Giles is really petty about stuff like that.

Xander: Basically I got as far as Oxnard and the engine fell out of my car. And that was literally. So I ended up washing dishes at the fabulous Ladies' Night Club for about a month and a half while I tried to pay for the repairs. Nobody really bothered me or even spoke to me there until one night one of the male strippers called in sick and no power on this Earth will make me tell you the rest of that story. Suffice to say I traded in my car for one that wasn't entirely made of rust and came trundling back home to the arms of my loving parents and everything was exactly as it was except I sleep in the basement and I have to pay rent. How's college?
Buffy: Male strippers?
Xander: No power on this earth.

Xander: Hust because you're better than us doesn't mean you can be all superior.

Anya to spike: I want to give you something for your new place.
Xander: That's my lamp!
Anya: A gift is traditional. I read about it.
Xander: That's among friends. With bitter enemies, we don't give them my lamp.

Xander: Man, Buffy. My whole life just flashed before my eyes...I've got to get me a life.

Xander: Cayalry's here; cavalry's a frightened guy with a rock, but it's here.
(Becoming part 2)

Giles: I suppose there is a sort of Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression.
Xander: I resent that! Or possibly, thank you...
Giles: Bit of both would suit.
(Bad Eggs)

Giles: The She- Mantis assumes the form of a beautiful woman and lures innocent virgins back to her nest.
Buffy: Well, Xander's not a...I mean, he's probably...
Willow: Going to die!
(Teacher's Pet)

Jenny: Cordelia is going to meet us.
Xander: Ooh gand, did you here that? A bonus day of class, plus Cordelia! Mix in a little bit of rectal surgery and it's my best day ever!

Xander: That's it. This has gotta stop. It's time for me to act like a man. And hide.
(Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered)

Xander:On behalf of my gender: Hey!
(Phases)

Xander: That's creepy on a level I hardly knew existed.
(Ted)

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