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| I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti! I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refridgerator, blender....all you do is say what the shiit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shiit fresh. Well that's a fresher....I'm going on break. I got to write these jokes. So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny. You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast. This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard. You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "Shit, I had to be somewhere..." I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed. At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick." I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying... I saw a human pyramid once. It was totally unnecessary. This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... It's dirty. I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D". My friend was walking down the street and he said, "I hear music." As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work. I snake bite emergency kit is a body bag. Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it though. One day I'm gonna though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret. A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, "Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews?" I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky..." It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that camera man? If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for... That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending. I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..." I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away... I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly... Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right. I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. I like cinnimon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnimon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes. People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause." I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience." I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day... A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs. That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me." If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible... I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips... If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave too." Why are there no during pictures. I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen. I had a velco wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction. Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets. I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language. My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like, "Hey... Hold on fellows... Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head. I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military. I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine. I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top. I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough." My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn't come in real handy when your gambling. I'm gonna need some more dice, 4 billion divided by 6, at least. A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", and then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together". I like buying snacks from a vending machine because food is better when it falls. Sometimes at the grocery, I'll drop a candy bar so that it will achieve its maximum flavor potential. On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana? My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first. I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper. I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly... I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill... ...and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated. I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others. I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah." :::Two different sets of quotes...Some may be the same...I didn't really check::: # My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. # I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry,"........ so it died. # I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've travelled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that it will not fall off the wall. # People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. # Burritos are sleeping bags for ground beef. # I would imagine that if you could understand morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. # One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes. # I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. # One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. # I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. # My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one's the real hero? # I thought my teeth were white, until I washed my face with Noxema. They're not white, they're off-white. Hell, I'm not even white, I'm off-white. We're a new race, we will prevail! # Once I saw this wino who was eating grapes, and I said, "Dude, you have to wait". # I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen. # I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. # A waffle is like a pancake with syrup traps. # What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street... It's a way to open shit... # Kinko's is my favourite copy place cause it's open 24 hours, like if it's three in the morning, and I suddenly decide I need two of something, I'm covered. # Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. # Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. # I type at one hundred and one words a minute. But it's in my own language. # I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a lady who would be really mad if she heard me say that. # Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!" # I hate turtlenecks. I have such a weak neck. Plus if you wear a turtleneck it's like being strangled by a really weak guy ... all day. And if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down. # I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. Damn. # Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck. # Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets. # I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too ... I tried to taste it, but it did not work ... # I'm at a hotel room and my friend comes over and he says, "Can I use the phone?" I said, "Certainly." He said, "Do I need to dial nine?" "Yeah, especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick." # I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. # I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got good at it. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy in one. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore." But I was too busy mumbling, "there ain't no way that's gonna hit him." # I wanted to get my teeth whitened, but I said fuck it, I'll just get a tan instead. # I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... so when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say "Go around! I cannot open the wall! I dunno if you have a door on your side but over here there's nothin'. It's just flat." # I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. # I was in a convenience store reading a magazine and the clerk came up to me and said "This is not a library". so I said, "Alright, I will talk louder then!" # "A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer." # I was in a bar, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. # Acid really messes with your mind, man. When I was on acid, I'd see things that looked like beams of light... and I'd hear things that sound an awful lot like car horns... # I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. # I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut 'em up." # I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen but he could not read it, he thought I was just trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper. # On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana? # I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, cause no one would buy it: sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge... that would melt easily over tortilla chips. # I order a club sandwich all the time. And I'm not even a member, I don't know how I get away with it. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "So do I." "Lets form a club then." "Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulations." "Yes we do." "OK... Instead of cutting it once, lets cut it again." "Yeah, four triangles." "And we will position them in a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips. Or potato salad." "Let me ask you a question, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed. Spread the news on menus nationwide." |
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