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Stuff I Wrote|
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| Bar Jokes |
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"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and everytime I try to flush,something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and notices that the drunk is sitting on the mop bucket. __________ A couple of drinking buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in a hangar at San Diego Airport. The runway is fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?" The second guy says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, that it will kinda give you a buzz." So they do drink it, get smashed and have a beautiful time ... as only drinkin' buddies can do. The following morning, one of them wakes up figuring that his head will explode if he gets up. Nevertheless, he gets up and is surprised to find that he feels good; in fact, he feels great ... no hangover! The phone rings. It's his buddy asking him how he feels. "I feel great!" he says. His buddy agrees, saying, "I feel great too! You don't have a hangover either?" "No," he replies. "That jet fuel is great stuff ... no hangover. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Did you fart yet?" "No..." "Well, don't, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!" __________ He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so." "Fine," she says. "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break." "I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps." he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so." I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar." So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light in working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how did all this get fixed? She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake.." The husband said, "So, what kind of a cake did you bake him?" She replied, "Hellooooooooooooooo, do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so." __________ DEAF GENIE A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter. He asks the man,"Where did you get such a big lighter?" The man replies, "See that man playing piano over there? He's a genie and he'll grant you one wish." So the guy walks over to the genie and says,"I wish for a million bucks." All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks. The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says,"That genie is a little hard of hearing isn't he?" The guy replies, "Yea, do you think I asked for a 14 inch Bic?" __________ A guy walks into a bar with his dog. Sits the dog on a stool at the bar, and sits next to him. "Gimme a shot of tequila, and my dog'll have a lite beer," says the guy. The bartender says, "Man get your dog outta here! We don't serve dogs." The guy says, "But, you don't understand; this is a talking dog." He looks at the dog and says, "Go ahead. Tell 'im what you want, Rover." The dog says, "I'll have a lite beer." The bartender looks at him and says, "Man get your ventriliquist act outta here! We don't serve dogs." The owner of the dog says, "Look. I'll go in the bathroom and my dog'll tell you what he wants." The bartender agrees. He says to the dog, "So what'll it be?" The dog says, "I told you. I'll have a lite beer." So, the bartender says, "Man you really do talk. I'll tell you what, here's ten bucks. Go across the street to the bar over there, order a lite beer. When he gives it to you take a drink off it and spit in his face. Then tell him you like the beer over here better." The dog takes the ten bucks and goes out the door. The owner of the dog comes out of the bathroom. Looks around and says, "Hey where's my dog? Where's Rover?" The bartender tells him, "I sent him across the street to play a practicle-joke." He walks out the door and sees his dog fucking this other dog in the middle of the street and says, "Hey Rover! What are you doin'? I've never seen you do that before!" The dog says, "I never had ten bucks before!" __________
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