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Kids are cute, babies are cute, puppies are cute. The littlethings are cute. See, nature did this on purpose so that we would want to take care of our young. Made them cute. Tricked us. Then gradually they get older and older, until one day your mother sits you down and says, "You know, I think you're ugly enough to get your own apartment."
-- Cathy Ladman

If my parents lived with me now, I'd get even. I'd make them sleep in separate bedrooms. My mother would say, "What? Are you crazy? I've been sleeping with this man for years." I'd say, "Look, I don't care what you do on the outside. But when you're in my house..."
-- Elayne Boosler

Did you ever read that book "Everything I Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten"? I learned only two things in kindergarten: First, if someone has something you want, you can remove it from them physically. And second, Elmer's glue makes a great between-meals snack.
-- Gary Barkin

I don't understand people who go to amusement parks. I spend most of my time trying NOT to be nauseous and dizzy. "Excuse me, could you strap me in upside down? I'd like to be as sick as humanly possible. I feel great today, I think I'll go down to Funland and snap my neck on the back of a ride. Honey, let's bring the kids, I want to give them a spinal cord injury for Christmas."
-- Dom Irrera

Kids? It's like living with homeless people. They're cute but they just chase you around all day long going, "Can I have a dollar? I'm missing a shoe! I need a ride!"
-- Kathleen Madigan

Remember that 560-pound criminal who was released from jail because he had asthma? He claimed jail was bad for him. Who made up this rule? I thought jail was supposed to be a little bit bad for you. Apparently not anymore. Apparently now it's like, "Sorry, claustrophobia. Can't go. Wish I could. Sorry." The electric chair? "No way. Even a heating pad gives me a rash."
-- Paula Poundstone

I filled out a rental application that asked, "Do you own any liquid filled furniture?" Couldn't they just have said "waterbed"? How many other forms of liquid filled furniture are there? "Yeah, I have a beer couch, will that be a problem?"
-- Lisa Goich

"I've always believed one should stop to smell the roses. In fact, I prefer to linger, drinking in that sweet aroma, well beyond the time my fellow souls might care to spend. And to hell with those grumbling whiners in line behind me waiting to view the casket."
- J. Murphy

"I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it."
- Steven Wright

"It's strange, isn't it? You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaargghhhh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in."
- Unknown

"In terms of policies, both Al and George want to save Social Security and reduce taxes; to accomplish this, both men have proposed solid, workable, detailed programs that will never actually be passed by Congress."
- Dave Barry

"Health experts now say there are 70 million rats in New York City, and Mayor Giuliani said he intends to have the city trap and kill as many as possible. In a related story, Mayor Giuliani announced that this fall students will have new, meatier lunches."
- Conan O'Brien

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Page Updated Sun Jul 15, 2001 1:11pm EDT