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Okay, I hope I don't offend anyone but I am a blonde too and love these jokes so oh well, also, there may be a lot that are different but the same thing overall so since I didn't get them all from the same site, you'll have to excuse that until I get a chance to sort them out.

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap. She politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn".

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends Emails to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

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One day a blonde, red-head, and a brunette were driving through the desert when all of a sudden their car broke down. They decided they would all walk to civilization. The red-head said, "I'm going to take water so if I get thirsty I can drink it." Then the brunette said, "I'm going to take some food so if I get hungry I can eat." And then the blonde said "I'm going to take the car door, so if I get hot, I can roll the window down!"

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One day there was a blonde riding a horse. The horse kept going faster and faster until the blonde fell off, with her foot getting stuck in the stirrup. Hearing her screams for help, finally a Wal-Mart clerk came over and turned off the merry-go-round.

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A blonde walks into a hair salon to get her hair cut wearing headphones. The stylist asks her to take off her headphones but the blonde refuses. So the stylist takes them off and the blonde collapses to the ground and dies. The stylist picks up the headphones and hears, "Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out..."

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A blonde was riding in the back of a pick-up truck when the truck went off the road and went into a pond. Some neighbors came out to see what happened and waited for the blonde to come out of the water. When she finally did, the neighbors asked her what took her so long. She replied, "I couldn't get the tail-gate unlocked."

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A blonde was swimming. She swam deeper and deeper until she drowned.
Her husband came home and found her dead in the bathtub.
     A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead were standing in a line before a firing squad. The commander says, "READY, AIM" and the brunette yells "TORNADO!" All the people turned around and looked and the brunette ran away.
     Next, it's the redhead's turn. The commander says, "READY, AIM" and the redhead yells "HURRICANE!" Once again all the people turn around to look for the hurricane and the redhead runs away.
     Finally, it's the blonde's turn. The commander says, "READY, AIM" and the blonde yells "FIRE!" and gets shot.

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There's a brunette standing in the middle of a street jumping up and down, counting "57, 57, 57." A blonde walks up to her and decides that this game could be fun. She asks the brunette if she can play too and the brunette says, "Sure." So the two jump up and down counting "57, 57, 57." Suddenly, the brunette jumps onto the curb and the blonde gets hit by a truck. The brunette goes back into the street and starts jumping again, counting "58, 58, 58."

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     A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
     Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet."
     So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."
     The blonde replied "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

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     On a flight from New York to Paris, soon after take-off the pilot announces: "I'm sorry, but we have lost one of our engines. Subsequently, we will arive in Paris approximately half an hour late."
     A few minutes later, he comes on again:
     "Hate to disappoint you folks, but another engine is down. Don't panic - we've still got two going, but now we'll be about 2 hours late."
     After another few minutes, he comes on again:
     "Look, I am really sorry about this, but somehow we have lost our third engine. Still nothing serious to worry about, but we will be about five hours late to Paris."
     After hearing this, the blonde turns to the guy sitting next to him and remarks,
     "If we lose the other one, we'll be up here all night."

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One day while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggled and replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

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A redhead, a brunette and a blonde all escape from a prison together. They run into the nearby woods and all climb up seperate trees. When the police find the redheads tree and ask who is up there, the redhead chirps like a bird. Then the police go to the brunette's tree. When they ask who is up there, the brunette makes chipmunk noises. Finally, when the police go to the blonde's tree and ask who is up there, the blonde goes,"MOOOOOOOOOO!"

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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are all stuck on a deserted island together. The island is 20 miles from the nearest inhabited island so they all decide to try to swim there. The redhead makes it 10 miles, is exhausted, gives up, and drowns. The brunette makes it 15 miles before she's too tired to go any farther and drowns. The blonde gets 19 miles away from the deserted island, decides she's too tired to go any farther, and swims all the way back to the deserted island.

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Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of a Mercedes with a coat hanger:
Blonde #1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde #2: Well you better hurry up and try harder, because it's starting to rain and the top is down!

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     There was this typical peroxide blonde. She was really tired of being made fun of and being called a ditz, so she decided to get a makeover. She went to a salon and had her hair done so that she was, once again, a brunette. Now that she was a brunette, she decided she would take a drive in the country. So she hopped into her convertible and started driving.
     She saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!" She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?" The farmer, looking skeptical, said she could.
     So the blonde looked at the flock and said, "157." The farmer was amazed because she was right. She picked one out and was getting in her car when the farmer walked up to her.
     "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

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   Three blondes were walking through a forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
   The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said, "I think these are bird tracks."
   The second blonde looked at them and said, "No, these are deer tracks."
   The third blonde looked down, and BOOM!!! she gets run over by a train.

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     A blonde went into a pizza parlor. When she said that she'd like a medium pizza, the clerk asked her how many pieces she'd like to have it cut into: six or twelve.
     "Oh, goodness, six please," said the blonde. "I don't think I could ever eat twelve!"

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     One day, a blonde and her friend were walking through the park. Suddenly, the blonde's friend said, "Oh, look, a dead birdie!" The blonde looked up and said, "Where?"

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There were three blonds: Mandy, the smartest, Megan, semi-smart and Jackie,
really dumb. They were spys. They were in Russia when they got caught.
At Mandy's execution they said: any last words. So she said Tornado! Tornado! The soldiers left and Mandy went home.
On Megan's execution day they said the same thing and she said, Hurricane! Hurricane! Megan joined Mandy back home.
On Jackie's execution day they also said the same thing and she answered: Fire! Fire! So they fired and killed her!

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A blonde and a brunette are sitting in a bar and watching the 11:00 P.M. news. A man is standing on the ledge of a high-rise building, contemplating suicide.
The brunette says to the blonde: "I'll bet you $20.00 that the man jumps off that building and commits suicide."
The blonde thinks for a moment then replies: "OK, you're on!"
They watch for a few minutes and sure enough, the man jumps off the ledge. The blonde sighs and
reaches for her wallet, but the brunette stops her, saying: "I can't take your money - I feel too guilty.
I have to confess that I watched the 6:00 P.M. news this evening and I knew that the man would jump.
The blonde replied: "Oh! I watched the 6:00 P.M. news too, but I didn't think he'd jump off again!

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Bored and Blonde? Go to the mall !!
*Walk up to two people sitting a bench and say, "I'm a Doctor, I need to know what time it is." After one tells you, turn to the other and say, "Would you be willing to give ME a second opinion on THAT?"
*Stop at the Athletic Shoe Store, and ask the clerk, "What is the largest size of men's basketball shoes you carry.?" Then, ask him sheepishly, "Could I leave my card, and a note for whoever buys them?"
*Wearing a walkman, head into Radio Shack and tell them, "Today, I'm looking for a shack."
*Ask the clerk at Fanny Farmer to see either one, and mumble something about false advertising on the way out.
*Stand in front of a Victoria's Secret show window with a clipboard. Stop various men, point to a really skimpy item, and ask, "If I was willing to model that for you, would you buy it for me?"

*Go into the Armed Services Recruiting Office, and ask if you could set up a desk - just to talk to the rejects.

*In the Athletic Wear Store, ask the clerk a question about a particular sweat suit, like, "How much sweat do you think this one will this soak up if I'm really HOT?"

*In the Book Store, ask for a book about famous Jewish Sports Legends - and get indignant if they only hand you a pamphlet.

*Ask the security guard why the "Seeing Eye Dogs Only" sign isn't printed in braille. And, "If I'm not blind, but I brought along my sister's Seeing Eye Dog, would that be OK?"

*In the Barbeque Grill Store, ask the clerk if he's got a small one, because, "I'm on my way to the movies and think the concession stand choices are too limited."

*The Warner Brothers Store will appreciate you walking in, and asking questions in your best, "P-P-Porky P-P-Pig V-V-Voice."

*The Disney Store may wonder whether you are a little too old if you walk in without children, ask for a Mouseketeer Application, and say, "I've been looking for an autographed pair of Cubby's shorts!"

*On a really smooth area of the mall floor, while wearing your old leather-soled slippers, clasp your hands behind your back and walk-slide like you are ice skating.

*In the Formal Wear Store, ask, "Do you rent tuxedos for funerals?" Then ask, "How do you get them back?"

*In the Linen Department, ask, "Do you have Turkish Towels - from Turkey?"

*At the Hamburger Stand, ask, "Are the hamburgers are made of real ham?" And, like, "Why do they go all the way to France to get fries?"

*In the Music Store, ask for a CD of "Negro Spirituals Played As Duets On The Accordian By Buddhist Monks."

*In the Auto Department, ask, "Do I really need to bring the car in to take advantage of the oil change special, fellas?"

*The Card Store clerk will appreciate the question, "What kind of card do you recommend for the terminallly ill?"

*Ask the Travel Agent what a round trip to Anchorage would cost, with a stop-over in Fargo. After ten or fifteen minutes, stand up and say, "I've changed my mind, I think I'll winter in my own home town," and leave.

*In the Cutlery Store, point to a particluar knife, then ask, "Is this like the one Norman Bates used?" Smile broadly, and ask the clerk, "By the way, are YOU single?"

*Over at the Garden Department, ask, "Do you have any of those Half-Bathtubs used as a surround for religious statues?"

*In the Swim Suit Department, tell them you are concerned this suit might shrink, but you really like it. Then ask, "If I filled my pool with Dry Ice, could I swim without getting wet?"

*Go into the Piano Store, and ask, "If I bought one for Christmas, could you wrap it up so I can't remember what it is when you deliver it?"

*Walk into the Cinnamon Bun store, and tell them, "I really like the taste, but I'm wondering if there isn't a way to get one without that awful smell?"

*In Starbucks Coffee, order some coffee ice cream.
*At Taco Bell, ask them, "Which way is the border?" Then run.
*In the Shoe Repair Store, ask if they have anything unclaimed in a man's size 9, and, if they do, ask, "What would you take for just the left one?"

*At Christmas time, wait in the line to have "Kids Pictures Taken With Santa." When you reach the head of the line, look around frantically and start yelling, "Johnny, Johnny, where's my Johnny?" as you begin running around the mall.

*Go into the Poster Store, and tell them, "I'm pretty sure you've hung a couple of the ones in the Modern Art section upside down."
*Ask the Luggage Store clerk, "Geez, wouldn't it just be cheaper for me to mail my stuff to Cleveland?" Then, tell him, "Could I use the dressing room to see whether my clothes will all fit into this one?"
*At Mrs. See's Candies, strike up a an extremely detailed conversation about how eating chocolate made your face AND your back break out, and how much money you spent at the dermatologist over the years, not to mention the hours you spent washing blouses, but, you just can't seem to give it up.

*In the Fishing Department, ask the clerk, "Is it OK to use a fish scaler on my heels and corns?" If you get a positive answer, begin to remove your shoes and pantyhose.

*In the Men's Department, walk up to a total stranger, and ask him to model boxer shorts for you. When he goes into the dressing room, tell the department manager there is a man walking around in his underwear, and leave.

*Answer any unattended service phones you hear ringing in department stores by saying, "Domino's - please hold." Then, set the handset down, and walk away.

*Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself. Also ask, "Are these the only colors you have?"

*Come back to the pet store a little later with one of those "invisible dog leashes." Ask the clerk to bring you a dog "that would fit."

*While waiting, teach the parrots on display "a few new words."

*Wear your pink Nikes. At the bottom of an escalator, scream, "MY SHOELACES! AAAUUGH!"

*Show department store clerks your driver's license when your hair was still brown, and demand to know, "Have you seen this woman here, today?"

*Place plastic vomit on several tables in the Food Court. Stagger around with one hand clamped over your mouth, and one clenching your stomach. This often changes male fantasies about blondes.

*Walk over to the coin fountain, splash water on your face, pick up a penny, and yell, "Look what I found! It must be my lucky day!"

SelenaSAL@aol.com

Visitors: 00384

Page Updated Sun Jul 15, 2001 1:11pm EDT