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Lady : Do you like this dress? Its 70 years old!
Little Boy : Did you make it yourself?
What do monsters eat after their tooth has been taken out?
The dentist!
What do you get if you cross a Dracula with Sir Lancelot?
A bite in shiny armour!
Mary had a parrot
She killed it in a rage,
For everytime her boyfriend came
The damn thing told her age!
There was a phamton called Pete,
who would never play, drink or eat.
He said "I don't care for tea or eclair,
Can't you see I'm dead on my feet!"
A man wanted to hire a horse so he was told to ask the local priest. The priest agreed to hire him the horse but said it only obeyed two commands. "Alleluya!" to stop and "Thank the Lord" to go. So the man set off o the horse saying "Thank the Lord,Thank the lord". The horse trotted faster adnd faster, then the man realised that they were approaching a cliff. "Stop" he shouted, but the horse carried on trotting, they were right at the cliff edge, when the man remembered the command to make the horse stop and yelled "Alleluya!" The horse stopped at once. The man breathed a sigh of relief and called out greatfully "Thank the Lord!"
How do you get if you go down from a elephant?
You don't, you get down from a duck!
What animal drives a motorcar?
A roadhog!
Why did the cat eat cheese?
So he could sit by the mousehole with baited breath!
A very ugly monstrosity
Wanted a look of ferocity,
With his nose in the air,
He walked like a bear,
Which only suggested pomposity!
Whats blue and wears a red scarf?
A freezing snowman!
Mummy, mummy, can I lick out the bowl?
No you flush the toilet like everybody else!
Why were the witches on strike?
They wanted sweeping reforms!
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Doughnut.
Doughnut who?
Doughnut take to answer the door!
What are the smallest ants in the world?
An infant!
What do you call a lady who doesn't like butter?
Marge!
What do you get if you cross a cow with a kangaroo?
I don't know, but you'll have to milk it on a pogostick!
Girl : Why is your brother so small?
Boy : Because he's my half brother!
What is the most common illness in China?
Kung Flu!
Why do we buy clothes?
Because we can't get them for nothing!
Why did the idiot spring out of his window?
To try his new jump suit!
Where does a swallow live?
In your throat!
Fred : I'm so thirsty, my tongue is hanging out!
Mary : So thats what it is! I thought it was your tie!
Whats worse than finding a maggot in an apple?
Only finding half a maggot!
What do you get if you cross a jelly with a sheepdog?
Collie wobbles!
What do you call a rude cabbage?
A fresh vegetable!
Waiter, this lemonade is cloudy.
No sir, its the glass thats dirty!
Why are dumplings so unlucky?
They're always in a stew!
Whats the best way to catch a fish?
Get someone to throw it at you!
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