St. Patrick's Day 2001 PPV - a.k.a. Kissin' The Blarney - Wrestling - http://maxpages.com/rmwfarchives/St_Patricks_Day_2001

" Good day everyone this is Guy Mandell with SiD Nasty.. "

Triumph " And me you son of a bitch!! "

Guy " ..and Triumph.. in Dublin Ireland for the RMWF's special St. Patrick's Day PPV!!! Today's show features two Title matches and earlyer today we had an exibition match with Timbomb and Jamal.. which Jamal won.. Hold on a second.. Okay we go over to Clive Anderson now for some important news flash "

SiD " We do??? "

( The camera's cut over to Clive Anderson on location at the Dublin International Airport. )

" Thank you Guy.. Clive Anderson here reporting to you from the Dublin International airport, where early this morning flight 129 in route from London to Dublin exploded over the British Channel, killing at this point an estimated 93 people, women, children, elderly and cripples included, both English and Irish alike. Authorities suspect that the IRA are up to their old tricks and are in fact responsible for this tragic bombing. Behind me you can see scores of the greaving families of the victims of this terrorist attack. I have also been informed that the RMWF wrestlers known as Eric "The Crusher" Johnson, The Edge and The Insider were also on flight 129 and therefore are dead as well. I now return you to the RMWF's St. Patrick's Day PPV as two nations mourn. "

( The camera's switch back over to SiD and Guy. )

Guy " Very disturbing news.. Let's take a moment of silence to mourn the loss of flight 129 "

SiD " ....... "

Guy " ....... "

Triumph " ....... "

( Triumph breaks down and starts crying uncontrollably. )

Triumph " ALL OF THOSE INNOCENT PEOPLE ARE DEAD!!!! WHY???? WHY I ASK???? IT ISN'T FAIR!!!!! "

SiD " Yea.. It's fucked up alright.. When will someone put a stop to the IRA??? I mean The U.S. is always so quick to bomb the hell out of any country that looks at us funny yet they can't stop some two bit terrorist group???? "

Guy " I know what you mean.. but it's not that easy.. The U.S. only bombs non-white countries.. that may sound racist but it's true. Not to mention that many Irish think of the IRA as heroes and are proud to be connected to them.. kind of like how the Italians are with the Mafia "

SiD " True "

( Jamal walks up to the table. )

Jamal " Yo sup!!! Spidey done told me to be comin out here & shit ta tell you niggaz ta cut all da muh-fuckin political talkin & shit knowmaysyn??? "

Guy " Oh.. Ok.. sorry bout that "

Jamal " You betta be sorry bizitch.. You done be killin tha muh-fuckin ratings & shit.. PEACE!!! "

( Jamal cocks his head to the side, cracking it then struts away. )

SiD " So anyway.. now what??? Three of the wrestlers booked tonight are dead "

Guy " Why are you asking me?? Your geuss is as good as mine "

Preacher Man -vs- Renegade
( 'Son Of A Preacher Man' hit the PA as the Preacher Man walks down to the ring, with a mic in his hand, and is accompanied by Pig Vomit, Sharon following behind. The two men enter the ring and the Preacher Man begins to speak. )

Preacher Man " Ladies and Gentlemen of Dublin.. that's where we are right??? "

( Pig Vomit nods to him. )

Preacher Man " Okay.. Just checkin.. I am here to announce my retirement from the RMWF.. "

( A disturbed hush falls apon the crowd. You can almost here faint weeping if you listen closely. )

Preacher Man " I know this comes as a shock to many of you out there, but I have been with this federation almost from the very begining.. And I just feel the need to move on, especially now, that Me and Wild Kat have gotten married. I shall still participate with The New Dawn, even though I am also relequishing my leadership to my pupil and friend, The Warrior Three. I appologize to all my fans here who traveled all this way to see me fight, but as for my match today.. Pig Vomit will be filling in for me. "

SiD " Oh god "

( The somber crowd begins to cheer, because if there's one person they love as much as the Preacher Man, It's Pig Vomit. The preacher hands him the mic. )

Pig Vomit " Yea you heard tha man right you fuckin micks.. Pig Vomit "

Pig Vomit -vs- Renegade
( Renegade's music hits the PA as he comes running out to the ring. And dropkicks Preacher Man. )

Guy " I guess he doesn't know about his match change "

SiD " Or care "

Guy " Pig Vomit snatches Renegade by the back of his shirt and slams his face against his knee as the Preacher Man comes over and gives Renegade a swinging neckbreaker!!! The two members of Holy shit stomp the poor kid a few moments then Preacher Man gives Pig Vomit a nod and exits to ringside "

SiD " Why did they let that scumbag have a match??? I knew it was a bad sign when him and the Preacher Man teamed up "

Guy " Pig Vomit was one of this fed's finest wrestlers at one point SiD.. whether you like him or not you cannot deny that "

SiD " I'll deny whatever the hell I want to.. The man's terrible.. He's a petifile, a theif, a murderer, a drug dealer, a pimp.. you name it and that scumbag's done it.. Hell.. he pisses and shits on the opponents he beats!!!! "

Guy " The keyword being 'opponents that he beats', the man is the only one ever in the RMWF to have an unblimished record.. Outside of Nick's wrestlers that is.. but they obviously don't count "

SiD " Yea whatever "

Guy " Anyway there's Renegade off the ropes.. he hits Pig Vomit with a clothesline .. off the ropes again but this time PV's ready for him and nails him with a solid European uppercut that causes Renegade's mouth to shower blood as hit falls to the matt!!!! "

SiD " Wow Sharon just handed PV a bottle of whiskey which he's now drinking.. There's a surprise "

Guy " PV walks over to Renegade who's nursing his busted mouth and grabs him by the back of the head.. He's pouring whiskey down the kids throat!!! He's choking on the whiskey though!!! PV finishes off the bottle himself then busts it over the kid's head!!!! "

SiD " Didnt see that one coming either "

Guy " Pig Vomit pulls Renegade back to his feet but he falls back down!!!! This kid is in over his head tonight.. "

SiD " The ref should put an end to this match.. That kid's a mess "

Guy " Yea.. but he's still concious though "

SiD " I'm sure he'd be tapping out about now if he had the strength to "

Guy " No doubt .. but he doesn't so.. the match continues ..Pig Vomit after having made a few more attempts at getting Renegade to stay on his feet with no success grabs the kids arm and is now dragging him to the turnbuckle.. he scoops the kid up and sets him on top of them.. The crowd begins cheering Pig Vomit as he holds Renegade in place so as to not fall down again .. Now Pig Vomit's removing his t-shirt and throws it to Sharon.. Oh my God "

( The crowd cheers wildly at Pig Vomit.)

SiD " HE HAS A FUCKING SWASTIKA TATTOOED ON HIS SHOULDER BLADE!!!! "

Guy " I just can't believe it.. It's a new tattoo too "

SiD " I knew I hated that man for a reason.. He's a FUCKING NAZI!!! And what's worse... The crowd is fucking cheering!!!!! What the fuck???? I knew class of RMWF fans was low and demented but this is just disgusting "

Guy " Indeed "
.. Pig Vomit starts punching Renegade in the face, making an even bigger mess of the kids already swollen and bloody mouth "

SiD " Just pin the kid out already!!! "

Guy " Pig Vomit with a snapmare that sends Renegade from atop the turnbuckle to the mat with a loud thud!!!! Pig Vomit starts stomping his still opponent as the ref comes over "

SiD " It's about freaking time!!! "

Guy " The ref puts a stop to the beating and checks Renegades vitality.. He gestures the match is over and raises a disappointed looking Pig Vomit's hand declaring him the winner of this match "

Winner: Pig Vomit
SiD " Well it's about time.. that kid was no match for Pig Vomit from the get-go "

Guy " Are you implying that Pig Vomit really is a good wrestler SiD???? "

SiD " No.. I'm IMPLYING that Renegade just plain sucked.. Who the hell taught that kid to wrestle anyway??? Pee-Wee Herman??? "

Guy " Your guess is as good as mine .. Wait what's Pig Vomit doing out there "

SiD " Here we go yet again.. I even wanna know "

Guy " Pig Vomit is unzipping his pants and.. "

SiD " Someone call security .. This shit needs to end "

Guy " He's ummm.. releaving himself on Renegade's face "

SiD " This guy needs to come up with a new gimmick this ones old.. Actually.. he should just die... scumbag Nazi "

( Pig Vomit finishes his business and returns his penis to his jeans. )

SiD " It's nice to know that the RMWF hasn't gained any standards in the year that it's been around.. They still allow some of the foulest things to happen on their shows "

Guy " Well that IS what has made this fed so successful.. but I do admit they should draw the line somewhere "

SiD " Hey did you notice that Triumph isn't here anymore??? "

Guy " As a matter of fact I didn't until you just said something "

SiD " Thank god for absent minded promoters "

Guy " Anyway though next up we have two of the RMWF's finest facing off for the Hardcore Title "

SiD " I thought Neep and Nightmare were up next "

Guy " Stop it SiD "

SiD " What??? Oh.. heh "

Hardcore Title

Nightmare -vs- Grant "Neep" Turner
( 'Flower of Scotland' hits the PA as Neep walks out. Next out is Nightmare who is drinking heavily from a wine cooler bottle. )

Guy " Nightmare's drinking too??? What is this a Pig Vomit spawned trend?? "

SiD " Bartles and James doesnt count as drinking Guy "

Guy " Oh well whatever "

( The crowd begins cheering and yelling out obscene propositions when ring girl Jenna Jamison walks down to the ring. Neep hands her the Hardcore Belt for safe keeping. She squeezes her breasts together and the fans go wild and the whole arena flickers with camera flashes. She climbs out of the ring then moves near the announcer's table. )

SiD " Damn girl you sure know how to work the crowd "

Jenna " Well if I didn't do you think I would have landed this job??? "

SiD " Knowing Spider-Man.. Yes "

Jenna scoffs at him " Whatever "

Guy " Nightmare and Neep, staring each other down.. This should be good.. There's the bell!!! The two tie up.. Nightmare takes the lead with a knee to Neep's crotch then sends him to the mat with a sidewalk slam!!!! Neep recovers quickly and give Nightmare a hiptoss

SiD " I dont like Nightmare "

Guy " I know.. you don't like anyone "

SiD " I liked Black Widow and Ashura "

Guy " That's because your a pervert "

SiD " Your point??? "

Guy " Nevermind .. These two wrestlers are truelly worth opponents as they are just matching moves back and forth .. Unlike the last match which i'm sure people are going to bitch and whine about not taking the time or brainpower to realize that Renegade was a complete shit opponent and therefore Pig Vomit was able to brutal beat him the way he did "

SiD " Oh shut up "

Guy " Well you know people are going to complain especially since the rest of the matches are going to be fairly brief considering the sudden lack of time left for this card "

SiD " What the hell are you talking about??? Nevermind i dont want to know.. All i know is that all these fucking Indians are annoying as hell and pissing me off "

Guy " Now what the hell are YOU talking about??? "

SiD " Fuck you "

Guy " The MATCH LETS GET ON WITH THE MATCH !!! "

SiD " Yeah . "

Guy " Oh yes look at the bottom of the page ( hee hee ) ! "

SiD " ....... "

Guy " Told you , O.K. Neep started off the match well but Nightmare rebounded and uuuum ? "

SiD " Ummmm what ? "

Guy " Drawing blank here . Nightmare has the upper hand . Nightmare with a press slam . WAIT , WAIT , WAIT , focus , focus . Is anyone following this drunken babble ?"

SiD " NO ! "

Guy " Nightmare has Neep up for a choke slam . BOOM he sends him to the mat . "

SiD " Neeps technial skill is not gonna help him here ! "

Guy " NO SiD it is not ! Nightmare has Neep's head between his legs and takes him down with a pile driver . "

SiD " You know black people don't fart . Only The Prez and Spider-Man is gonna find humor int that one . "

Guy " FOCUS ! It's a brutal match as Neep reverses an arm bar by NIghtmare and sends him sailing out of the ring . Neep on the top rope sails out of the ring nailing Nightmare with a double ax handle ! "

SiD " OH MY GOD THAT WAS INSANE ! "

Guy " Really ? "

SiD " No . I'm just trying to salvage this match . "

( We sorry for the techinical difficulties but everything is fixed . Too much MD 20/20 made it hard to write Spidey the match ... )

Guy " Both me outside of the ring . Neep is behind Nightmare and grabs a fist full of hair sending him into the turnbuckle . Now Neep charges and lands a bulldog before climbing back into the ring to break the count . "

SiD " If this is for the Hardcore Belt is it hardcore rules ? "

Guy " Yes , I guess so . "

SiD " Then there is no count out then , correct ? "

Guy " Piss off , fine Neep climbs back into the ring for NO reason . Nightmare grabs Neep's feet helping him back out of the ring . Both men exchange blows and Nightmare takes the upper hand . "

SiD " In a all out brawl I would say Nightmare has the advantage . "

Guy " Nightmare now has Neep over his shoulder and CRASH he slams him through a table . He climbs out of the wreckage slowly only to be nailed with a chair by Nightmare . He grabs a camera from a fan and trys to nail Neep with it but he rolls out of the way . Grant Turner scampers up the entrance ramp and Nightmare catches him smashing his face into the ramp floor busting him open . Neep gets off a nut shot and retreats into the crowd climbing the stairs into the hallways outside of the arena . Nightmare shakes off the pain in his balls and limps off to catch Neep ."

SiD " You know in all the months of The RMWF no one has ever fought out there ! "

Guy " Nightmare storms up the stairs and is looking for Neep but can't find him ."

SiD " Dugh he is hiding behind the popcorn vendor . How could you miss the guy with the gaping wound on his head . "

Guy " Neep pushes the pop corn machine on top of Nightmare . Glass and pop corn come crashing down as Nightmare is cut to shreds . "

SiD " That was brutal ! This is turning into a bloody mess ! "

Guy " Neep is slow but gets a hold of Nightmare and shoves dirty pop corn in his mouth as crowds of people rush over to grab free stuff . "

SiD " Hey is that Darkstalka eating popcorn ? It is , cheap bastard . "

Guy " It is not cut it out . Neep drags Nightmare into a bathroom and locks the door , to keep the fans out . Nightmare breaks away and grabs a mop and breaks it over Neeps head . Grant stumbles back stunned and lands in a urinal . Nightmare gives it a flush then irish whips Neep through a stall door . "

SiD " Oh my god Issues is in there taking a dump while masterbating!!!! "

Guy " Neep and Nightmare both puke . Then Neep pushes the Issues on top of Nightmare . Turner climbs on Issues for the pin but the ref is locked out and can't count ."

SiD " Let the ref in you moron !!!! "

Guy " Neep is bouncing up and down on Issues squeezing more poop out of him onto Nightmare "

SiD " Gross !!! I think I'm going to barf "

Guy " Nightmare looks about like he's going to pass out from Issues's butt stench as the ref manages to get through the bathrrom door . He starts counting "

SiD " Oh my God !!!! Issues is still masterbating !!!! "

Guy " The ref reaches the 3 count . Neep won the match and retained his Hardcore Belt "

Winner : Neep

( The camera goes to The Klaw 2 sitting at a computer in the RMWF's main security office. )

The Klaw 2 " Man i can almost taste that Infinity Gauntlet.. It's only a matter of time now.. Asmodeus will lead me right to it.. I just have to find him... Bingo!!! "

( He jumps up from his seat with a huge shit eating grin on his face and hurries out of the door and bumps into The Vine who was walking down the hallway. )

The Vine " Hey watch where your going asshole!!! "

The Klaw 2 " Oh fuck off!! "

( The Klaw steps around him but the Vine grabs his arm. )

The Vine " NO ONE talks to me that way faggot!!! My mother talked to me that way once... ONCE "

( The Vine cold-cocks the Klaw 2 in the side of his head, the forch of the punch slams him into the wall. )

The Klaw 2 " Hahaha!!! "

( The Klaw 2 fires a shot from his hand-cannon at The Vine who evades most of the blast yet is still hit in the arm. )

The Klaw 2 " Toodles!!! "

( The Klaw 2 rushes across the lobby. The Vine chases after him and tackles him to the hard floor. )

The Vine " You're gonna pay for that shit bitch!!! "

( He grabs The Klaw 2's head and starts bashing it against the cold marble floor. On the fifth blow there is a muffled *POP* as Klaw 2's skull explodes in a burst of blood, bone and brain all over the floorand the Vine's hands. )

The Vine " That's what happens to those that fuck with the Vine bitch "

( He wipes the gore from his hands onf on the Klaw 2's shirt then stands up. He walks out the RMWF's main entrance, not even looking back. A woman's scream can be heard right before the camera switches back over to the PPV. )

SiD " Jesus Christ!!! The Vine killed The Klaw 2 just for bumping into him??? What is wrong with our wrestlers??? Why can't they all be more like... like Hulk Hogan "

Guy " This is the twenty-first century SiD.. EVERYONE'S excesively violent these days "

SiD " I guess.. But seriously.. Is it just me.. or are all the RMWF's wrestlers getting even more violent??? I mean.. it used to be that they'd just kill each other in the ring.. but in these past few months alot of the killing has been anywhere and for no reason "

Guy " Actually.. I have noticed that.. I'm not sure what exactly IS going on.. or even IF anything's even going on.. but yea.. I have noticed the surge in violent murders "

SiD " Well anyway though we have another match now.. I wonder if HHH or .. So wait.. do we even know yet who HHH is going to face??? "

Guy " You didnt see anyone come down and tell us did you??? "

SiD " Shut up "

HHH -vs- ?????
( HHH's music plays over the PA as he enters the arena and makes his way down to the ring. He steps inside and begins tapping his foot, awaiting the as of now still unknown opponent he must face. All of a sudden the lights go out and Gary Coleman's voice comes over the PA. )

Gary Coleman " Ladies and gentlemen.. and HHH it is my pleasure to introduce in his first RMWF match.. put your hands together for.... LIGHTNING!!!! "

HHH -vs- Lightning
( ____ tears through the PA and the crowd cheers fanatically as Lightning comes running out as explosions erupt along the catwalk. He slides into the ring and begins staring HH down. )

Guy " Wow this is amazing.. ive heard of this guy.. He's really good "

SiD " He's in the RMWF.. How good can he be??? "

Guy " You'll see.. "

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Page Updated Sat May 19, 2001 6:38am EDT