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MOTHER'S DAY
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you had the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
DON'T GET FRESH WITH ME!
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a back road and approaches the driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was
another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."
YOU HAVE SUCH A BIRD ATTITUDE
A young man named Jack received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the birds mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Jack tried and tried to change the birds attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything he could think of to set a good example.
Nothing worked. Finally, Jack got fed up at the bird and yelled at it. And the bird yelled back. Jack shook the parrot, the bird got angrier and ruder. In a moment of desperation, Jack put the bird in the refrigerator freezer. For a few minutes, Jack
heard the bird squawk, kick, and scream...then suddenly there was quiet. Not a peep for over a minute. Fearing that he had hurt the bird, Jack opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jack's arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am truly sorry, and I will do everything to correct my poor behavior."
Jack was astonished at the bird's change of attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made this dramatic change of behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
ANIMAL QUIZ
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand.
The teacher says "See its long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks, "Is it a giraffe?" "Very good Sally," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says, "It's a zebra." "Very good Billy," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses.
"Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."
Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard!"
BIRDS OF A FEATHER
It was little Michael's first visit to the country, and feeding the chickens fascinated him.
Early one morning, Michael caught his first glimpse of a peacock strutting around in the yard. Rushing indoors excitedly, Michael looked for his grandmother.
"Oh, Granny," he exclaimed, "one of the chickens is in bloom!"
deFEAT of STRENGTH
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging
that he could perform better than anyone in a feat of strength.
He made a special point of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker couldn't take it anymore.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is." he said.
"I will bet you a week of wages that I can haul something in a
wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able
to wheel back."
"You're on, old man!" the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right smarty pants,
get in."
LIFESAVERS!
A man was doing a study of children's senses in a first-grade class using a bowl of Lifesavers.
He gave the children all the same kind of Lifesaver and asked them, "What is the flavor, and what color is it?"
The children began to say, "Red . . . cherry . . . yellow . . . lemon . . . green . . . lime . . . orange . . . orange."
Finally, he gave them all honey Lifesavers. The children sucked on them for a while, but couldn't decipher the taste.
"Well," he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother would call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled: "Everybody spit it out, they're assholes!"
ELEPHAROO
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo ?
Big holes all over Australia !
AWFUL CUPFUL
The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge
a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day.
Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived
two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get
the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to
spill much of it along the way.
None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of
coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by
one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the
judge wanted.
The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was
full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.
The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly
complimented the clerk on his new technique.
"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take
a sip of your coffee right outside the coffee room and hold it
in my mouth so I don't spill it. When I get back to your office
I spit it back into your cup."
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE SNAILS
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself 'Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me.' He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.
They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, 'Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!' He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: 'Come on guys, we're almost there!'
THE FUGITIVES
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were running from the cops. They were getting tired, so they decided to hide in a ditch. They were excited to find three large, burlap sacks. They each got in one. The cop came and kicked the bag with the redhead. "Meow, meow," she said. "Awwww, there must be a kitty in here," he said. He kicked the one with the brunette inside. "Arf!" she said. "Awww, there must be a puppy in here!" He kicked the one with the blonde in it, and she said, "Potato!"
COMMUNICATIONS BREAKDOWN
A judge was interviewing a man regarding his pending divorce. He asked the man, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
The man replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running past it."
"No," the judge said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," the man responded.
"I mean," the judge continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and my wife's parents live here, too."
The judge asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," the man replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please tell me," the judge tried again. "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Mister, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," the man replied. "I've never wanted a divorce -- my wife does. She said she can't communicate with me."
THE JACKASS
A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief moment and then replied; "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"
SING ALONG!
Little Harold was practising the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of
little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For goodness sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"
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