*taken with permission from jackass, a hysterical online zine!*
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FUN THINGS TO DO TO STUPID NEIGHBORS by: Delta Burke
This little article is for everyone out there who has a next door neighbor who is, in your mind, the world's biggest asshole. I have neighbors that fit into this catergory perfectly. You know the ones, stereo up louder than hell in the middle of the night, water their lawn during a drought, etc... Well take heart, because I have just the answer for such idiots.
1) Next time they go away on vacation, or even for just the weekend, call the utility company, Ma Bell(or whoever the phone co is.), and the cable company. Using their name(obviously), tell them to shut off the respective utilities, since your are going on a trip for about a month. Most of the time, they won't ask for any other info except for phone number. If they ask for anything else, just hangup quickly and forget it -- as it isnt too easy to explain why you dont know your own social security number. If all works well(and it usually does), they will come home to a fridge full of bad food, plus no heat or air conditioning and cable tv and phone. Pretty nice, huh?
2) If they leave on vacation, and you are a hacker/phreak/BBS'er, here is your chance for free phone calls to everywhere! Simply go into their yard and locate their phone box. Using your lineman's phone(or a regular phone with alligator clips instead of a modular plug), find the active phone line inside the box. Run a shit load of wire back to your house, thru your window, etc... Install a modular plug on your end and plug it into your modem. Now make all the long distance calls you want. Don't worry, those of your with a heart, the neighbor's wont get billed for the calls after they call Ma Bell and claim that they didnt make them. Most of the time they will let you of the hook.
3) One night, after the neighborhood is asleep, sneak over into the target's yard. Proceed to turn on ONE faucet, so that water is gushing out all over the place. The value of this joke is that the target's water bill will be outrageous after about 3-4 nights of this, especially during drought season.
4) If you have the asshole neighbor who has the stereo on LOUD at all hours and the police won't do shit(what else is new), here is the solution. Sneak into the yard, and find the breakerbox. If the stereo is up this loud, they wont hear you in the yard. Locate the switch that matches the room that the stereo is in. Or the closest to. Flip the switch and run like hell back to the house. Or if you are more daring, sit in the bushes or something and watch them come out. Most of the time, it will take doing this 2-3 times before they turn down the stereo. But its worth it when you have to sleep.
5) Do your neighbor's have a barking dog? If so, heres the solution. A) Call the pound repeatedly, using another neighbor's name and address, but your number. Call at least twice a night for about a week. The complaints will stack up, and the target's will most likely have to pay a healthy fine. B) Get a package of hot dogs and any kind of medicine that induces shitting, like exlax(you will have to melt it down). Pour the secret agent shit inducing substance on the hot dogs, then toss them over the fence to the dog. If it is a small dog, I suggest throwing one at a time as little dogs don't eat as much as big dogs. Spot or Fido or whatever the hell his name is will be shitting EVERYWHERE for days. Loads of fun for the target.
6) Kill their lawn. This can be achieved with any kind of poison, paint thinner, or even piss. Simply pour as much of the stuff as you can all over the lawn and wait a few days to a week. Lovely brown spots will start to show. Nice effect.
7) Do they have a CB radio that interferes with your TV? Use the old standby. When they are not home, sneak over and shove large straight pins into the coaxial cable to the antenna. Next time Joe Dickhead keys up will be his last time. This easy trick works due to the fact that it shorts the cable together. When he keys up, it will blow the CB right off the table.
8) Do they park in your driveway or in front of it? My neighbors have teenage kids who have teenage friends who parked in front of the driveway. I fixed that by taking some large nails(about 4 inches long) and placed them on each side of their tires at a 45 degree angle. Two per side, heads on pavement, points to tires. When they drive off, instant flats on all four tires. Try to get them to not park there asking first. If they don't care to listen, then use the nail trick.
9) Other easy and annoying tricks:
A) Use JB Weld or any other metal weld substance on their mailbox door.
B) Unscrew all the light bulbs on the outside of their house just enough so they won't light.
C) If they have an annoying cat, capture it and take it about 10 miles away from where you live and let it go.
D) Get some cow or horse shit and place it in a large paper bag. Place on porch and light on fire. Then ring door bell.
E) Place small rocks inside the hubcaps on their most used car. The effect is awesome. They will go crazy from the sound.
F) If they have a hot tub or pool, get some goldfish and place them in it. If you can get some lake or river fish, they work even better.
G) If you get into their car, place a heavy guage jumper wire from the horn to the brake switch behind the pedal. The result is the horn honking everytime they step on the brake pedal. A sure fire winner.
H) If you are daring, capture a skunk and let it loose in their yard. Just think about the fun this one can make.
Have fun and don't get caught! |