The Idiot's Guide to Gnoming - The art of kidnapping yardgnomes...maybe it should be called gnome-napping... - Miscellaneous - http://maxpages.com/rejeanaiscool/Idiots_Guide_to

So you wanna learn how to gnome? Well, you've come to the right place! I am one of the original gnomers! Mander is the founder of the way gnoming is today. She kidnapped the very first gnome, George, who now belongs to Shanaynay. Well, that's enough for the history of gnoming. Time to get down to business and tell ya about the actual art of gnoming.

Step #1: Obtain a gnoming vehicle--(or a friend with a car) and someone who can drive very well. We have found that Barnacles and DMSK's (say it like Demsky) work best for the gnoming vehicles. My partner in crime, Allie, says that this is so because these types of cars are station wagons, which are good for holding all of the kidnapped gnomes and/or extra gnomers.

Step #2: Finding your target--One of the gnomers must have good 'gnome radar' for staking out gnomes. It is good to spot your gnomes in advance and have a premeditated plan for the kidnapping.

Step #3: Acheiveing stealth mode--A.)Have the gnomers dressed appropriately for the kidnapping. The basic apparrel for gnoming is 'stalker clothes' meaning be dressed in dark colors and have good running shoes. If you have hair that stands out (such as blond hair or an uncommon style) wear a hat of some sort. B.) The Barnacle and DMSK pilots are higly trained in driving in stealth. To achieve the car's stealth mode, you need to drive with no lights on, this includes the dope scope(dome light), headlights, parking lights, etc.

Step #4: Execution of the plan--Every gnoming adventure is different, so your plan of attack will vary with every situation. Be sure to follow your plan exactly. Always have a back up in case you encounter unforseen difficulties, such as vicious ankle biting dogs, motion detectors, and old ladies with shot guns. (oh yeah, we cant forget the cops either)

Step #5: The Get-Away--This is one of the most important aspects of gnoming. You have to escape safely with your gnome. The driver must be able to pull up along side the gnomer and pick them up with ease and be able to speed away with out tearing up lawns or drawing too much attention to the car. This is why it is good to have a highly trained driver behind the wheel. (Our drivers, Allie and Mander, are the best in the business)

Step #6: Naming your New Gnome--Just look your little gnome right in the eye and he will tell you his name! (Which pretty much means the first crazy name that pops into your head) For Example, we have Benjamin, George, Horny Walter, Fredrick, Lester, and Usetis.
(we have many more gnomes but those are the ones that stand out)

Now that you know how to gnome, here are some useful tips to help you perfect your gnoming techniques:

- Have the dope scope set to OFF not DOOR. The gnomers need to get in and out of the car without being seen.
- The driver must be sure not to drive too fast or too slow when staking out gnomes, this will draw attention to the gnoming vehicle.
- When on the get-away, do not bother using turn signals. You're already breaking laws, why bother to follow the traffic regulations? Besides, those are lights, and lights are no-no's in the art of gnoming.

Allie and I have practically spelled out how to gnome to you, but I bet you'll still get caught when you try to pull it off. There is NO subsitute for the original gnomers!

Rejeana
Huffin' Gas Fumes
Herrin	IL	62948
USA
1-800-YEAHRIGHT
Fax no fax
naughty_tangled@hotmail.com

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Page Updated Wed Dec 13, 2000 6:23pm EST