A ship in a harbour is safe, but sadly that's not what boats are designed for. The word crazy is often relative when comparing my friends. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. Half the people you know are below average. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film! 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up. All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. OK, so what's the speed of dark? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. I intend to live forever -- so far, so good. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. The problem with the Gene pool is there arn't any lifeguards (hillbillies) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. The only reason I am always listening to music is to drownd out the sound of your voice! Drive carefully, 90% of people are accidents. "Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming." "don't drink and drive you might spill your beer" If you can't fix it with duck tape you have'nt used enough The following are ancient proverbs, thousands of years old... 'You never test the depth of a river with both feet.' 'A man who thinks about his ancestors too much is like a potato; half of him is underground.' 'If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.' 'Quitters never win, and winners never quit, but those who never win and never quit are simply idiots.' 'Man who eat prunes get good run for money.' '7/5 of people do not understand fractions.' '43% of statistics are useless.' 'Do not blame the Creator for making the tiger, but thank him for not giving it wings.' These are famous last words... 'Don't worry, it has airbags...' 'Yep, these windows are ok to lean on...' 'Go on in, it's not that deep.' 'Oh, my brakes are fine.' 'Nice doggy...' 'I think it's trying to communicate...' 'The tiger seems to be pretty docile...' 'Drill for oil? What, drilling into the ground for it? No way! There's no money there, mate...' 'Yes, you can, touch it, the power's switched o...' 'So, you're a cannibal, eh?' 'Say, what's that gleaming thing in your pocket?' 'It's fireproof.' 'I've pulled out the pin. Now what?' This lot are actual road signs (incredibly)... A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands. At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment. At A Laundry Shop: How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory? At a Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner. At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container. At a Towing Company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows. At a Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition. In a dry cleaner's emporium: Drop your pants here. In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed. In a health food shop window: Closed due to illness. Contact us with your own quotes at prmonkey160@hotmail.com