The Secret Journal - One brave soul shared with us what was written in her journal. I admire her for that. Please read this, it is interesting, yet very sad. - Entertainment - http://maxpages.com/queenbee/Diary_Secrets

Dear Journal....
Isn't it dumb how I keep calling you that? Oh well...you understand why. I just finished reading some more of that book I was telling you about. I spent the day with Sam again. It doesn't help any...it just brings back more and more memories of Jon. I know I do stupid things when I'm with Sam. I talk about Jon and I started using again. I don't know how to stop. I asked Mom to take me out tonight. We were driving and it was about 11pm and I made her stop the car. I got out. Remember that day Jon and I spent riding our bikes to d-town? I stopped at the veiw. I keep
thinking of that place as his grave...I should really stop thinking that. I really need him right now, more than ever. But with him gone, I'm also starting to realize some things about myself. Like I don't need him around to live. It's like this song Carolyn was playing today...it said "It's not that I can't live without you...it's just that I don't
even want to try..." That's how it was before. But now I have to try. I have to do it. I have to be ok by myself. Alone. But so not alone at the same time. No one ever leaves me completely alone anymore. They think I'll do somthing stupid. I just don't understand. I am having a really bad trip right now. I keep hearing things that the conscience part of my mind knows aren't real. But they seem so there. Jon talks to me once in awhile. But that's ok. It's the only time we can talk. I do miss him terribly. No one else would understand why except for you. No one else
ever saw or heard about the good things besides me and you. But we know what happened. And I know if you could tell me, you'd say that you miss him to. I'm laughing right now. Remember how he always tried to read you? It seems so silly now that I couldn't just tell him all of the things I wrote about him. I wrote him a letter last night. I'll copy a
part into here. "" I know you're still there...somewhere. I just want you back. I had you! I can hardly believe it. I had you....I had what I wanted for so long...but I let you go. But now you're gone. But I'll never let go of you in my heart. Or in my mind. I love you. Forever."" See? I know he's still there. More and more...when I think of him....I
beleive in angels. Not wings...but the light...the pureness....the newfound conscience I have....the warmth....the whispers no one else can hear. I know he's not far. Not ever.
Goodnight.
Luv,
Your little Tinkerbell

Queen Bee
Honey Lane
Nowhere	California	22222
dexila@hotmail.com

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Page Updated Tue Jul 13, 1999 8:24am EDT