THINGS GUYS LEARNED FROM ACTION MOVIES
1.No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than
myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill
him with my bare hands.
2.If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only
won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
3.There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to
go to bed with you, and the type that want to kill you. Both types
are physically attractive and under 25 years old.
4.If I have a prolongued fist-fight with another guy and neither of us
dies, we will become best friends.
5.My arch-enemy will bear un uncanny resemblance in age and
bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a
deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.
6.When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will
never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children.
When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a flesh
wound, which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.
7.If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful
daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.
8.If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and
gaze at me adoringly.
9.If I'm asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or
game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who
will then try to kill me.
10.If I am given a surprise attack, I will be attacked by only one or
maybe two people at a time, and I will find that I am well-skilled in
Karate and Ju-jitsu, and if all else fails, I will always have one last
firearm hidden somewhere on my body.
11.Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern
and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never
ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently
never do those things either.
INEFFECTIVE DAILY AFFIRMATIONS
1.As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner
Sociopath.
2.I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels
of suspicion and paranoia.
3.I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are
someone else's fault.
4.I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless,
of course, I want to stay employed.
5.Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over
others.
6.My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
7.I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even
more.
8.I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no
personality at all.
9.I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious,
self-righteous people around me.
10.I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and
complain.
11.As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they
reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
12.When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But
not nearly as gratifying.
13.The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do
nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice
things.
14.All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and
disgusting parts.
15.I am at one with my duality.
16.Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
17.I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
18.Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with
imaginary fears.
19.Does my quiet self-pity get to me? Yes? Or should I move up to
incessant nagging?
20.I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and
local laws.
21.Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are
no sweeter words than "I told you so."
22.False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
23.A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the
problem.
24.Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV.
Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
25.Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute...I'll
find someone.
26.Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it
worrying about the future?
27.The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy
is working.
28.I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
29.Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next
step-blaming my parents.
30.I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can
laugh at.
31.The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am
not home.
32.My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight
mass?
33.To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like
I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
34.I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn
from them.
Quotes from Actual Medical Records
1.By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he
was feeling better.
2.Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3.On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had
completely disappeared.
4.The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in
1983.
5.The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
6.Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need
disposition, and therefore we will bet Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
7.Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
8.The patient refused an autopsy.
9.The patient has no past history of suicides.
10.The patent expired on the floor uneventfully.
11.Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
12.Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
13.The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant,
with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
14.She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December.
15.The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her
original complaints.
|