A Few REALLY Funny Jokes - . . . at least . . . I thought they were funny . . . - Personal - http://maxpages.com/prufrockcafe/A_Few_Funny

The scene is a newspaper office. The editor says to one of his reporters: There's a fire raging out of control west of town and I want you to get out there fast. And above all, get some good shots. If that means you have to hire an aeroplane, just do it. Don't worry about the expense.

So, the reporter calls the local FBO and orders a plane. He rushes out to the airport, spots a small aircraft with a young pilot in it, pulls open the door, jumps in and says to the pilot:

Let's go, take off. As directed, the pilot takes off, gets up to altitude, and the reporter then tells him: See that fire raging to the west? I want you to fly over that and get down as close as you can. Incredulous, the pilot says: You want me to fly over that fire? Sure, the reporter says, I am a photojournalist and that's why I am here--to take dramatic shots of the fire! The pilot looks over with a quizzical look on his face and says: "You're not the flight instructor?"

Fixing the Fence

Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. when they each replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me your bids."

First, the Florida contractor took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "I figure the job will run about $900 -- $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick calculations and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700 -- $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Finally, the guard asks the New York contractor for his bid. Without batting an eye, the contractor says, "$2,700."

The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Missouri."

The Parrot and the Chicken

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude. David tried hard
to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try andset a good example...

Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming - then suddenly there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued:

May I ask what the chicken did?"

The Corvette and the Moped

An elderly man decided to take his little Moped out on a spin around the block when a shiney red Corvette blazed passed. He finally caught up with the driver of the Vette at a red light a few blocks away and pulled along side and began to admire it. Seeing that his prized toy was being admired, the driver of the Corvette rolled down his passenger side window, "How ya' doing?" he called to the elderly man.
"Just fine, sonny," replied the old gent, "I was just admiring your car. Mind if I take a peek inside before the light changes?"
The driver smiled, "Yeah, help yourself!" he replied.
The old man skooted his little blue Moped over to the Corvette and leaned through the window. "Real leather?" he asked.
"Nothing but the finest," replied the driver.
"So how fast will she go? the old man asked.
About then the light changed and the driver, deciding he'd rather show the old man what the car could do, instead of tell him, pressed down hard on the gas and left the intersection in a cloud of dust.
Feeling pretty proud of himself, he looked in the rear view mirror to see the old man on the Moped coming up quickly behind him . . . . .VROOOOOOOMMMMM. . . . the old man on the Moped blazed quickly past the Corvette and vanished over the hill.
The driver couldn't believe his eyes . . . to be outdone by a man on a Moped . . . and he was doing at LEAST 90 mph! About then he looked up to see . . . VROOOOOOMMM . . . the man came sailing past the Corvette again heading in the opposited direction. This time the driver caught a glimpse of the old mans eyes . . . they were as big as saucers.
Feeling dejected, the driver pulled slowly off the road. About then, he heard a KERWHAM! and felt a hard jolt in the rear of his Corvette. He quickly jumped out of his car and ran to the back. There he found the old man crumpled on his Moped. "Are you alright? What can I do?" he asked.
"Just unhitch my suspenders from around your right mirror," came the weary reply.

Cowboy/Annie

"People Exercise an unconscious selection in being influenced." T.S. Eliot

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