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| Bill Clinton Jokes |
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| Top 10 reasons Bill Clinton ran for President 10. Be like childhood idol JFK 9. Top Wilt Chamberlain's "scoring" record 8. Sleep in Lincoln Bedroom 7. Rent out Lincoln Bedroom 6. Secret Service protection from Hillary 5. Bomb Chinese Embassy 4. Phone Sex 3. Sex while on the Phone 2. White House interns 1. Meet JFK Jr. Quotes Luigi Pirandello: The facts are to blame, my friend. We are all imprisoned by facts. Jean Giraudoux: The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you have it made. New jokes 1. How many Inaugural balls has Clinton had? Gennifer Flowers, Monica Lewinsky.... 2. What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us? When we want some prick in the White House, we just vote. 3. Why did Clinton not invite Monica to an Inaugural Ball in 1997? They were Standing Room Only. 4. Why did Clinton watch the Miss America pageant? He thought it was the Home Shopping Network. 5. Why does Monica refuse to play golf with Bill? Because she's tired of his balls hitting her in the face. 6. Why does the Secret Service check underneath the podium? To make sure there are no interns. 7. Clinton songs *Beat It *Devil With a Blue Dress *Grooving More Quotes 1. Anonymous: Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies. 2. Anonymous [French]: Who excuses himself, accuses himself. 3. Otto von Bismarck: Politics ruins the character. 4. Elizabeth Browning: How do I love thee [Hillary]? Let me count the [interns]. 5. Henry Clay: I had rather be right than be president. 6. Clinton administration: Don't ask, don't tell. 7. William Congreve: Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned. Nor hell a fury like a [Monica Lewinsky] scorned. 8. Quentin Crisp: Vice is its own reward. 9. Edward VIII: I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and to discharge my duties as [president] as I would wish without the help and support of the wom[e]n I love. 10. Charles de Gaulle: Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised when others believe him. 11. U.S. Grant: When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. 12. Dorothy Parker: If all the [interns at the White House] were laid end to end - I wouldn't be at all surprised. 13. Pascal: When the passions become masters, they are vices. 14. Shakespeare: And oftentimes excusing of a fault doth make the fault worse by the excuse. 15. Alexander Woollcott: All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening. Presidential musings 1. Clinton's artful denial: "I didn't put words in her mouth." 2. Clinton said, "I did not have sex with that woman, Monica Lewinsky." His meaning is clear with the more natural word order, "Monica Lewinsky, I did not have sex with that woman." 3. It is now clear what Clinton meant on election night when he said he was "in like Flynn." 4. "Let's have a hand for the president of the United States" has taken on a whole new meaning. 5. Many a woman in Washington is a Clinton insider. Many more has had Clinton inside her. 6. Quod licit Jovi, non licit bovi. Latin for: What is permitted Clinton is not permitted to the masses. 7. Sleeping with the President used to mean that you attended a Reagan cabinet meeting. 8. The House of Representatives has reached an agreement to impeach the president. From the waist down. 9. Those who said Clinton's political career was just a flash in the pants have to eat their words. His pen...is mightier than their [s]word. Clinton 1st grade readers 1. Dick & Jane's Mouth 2. Dick & Monica 3. Jackoff & Jill 4. Snow, Pot & the Seventh Commandment 5. The Little Engine That Couldn't Stop 6. The President's New Jockey Shorts Clinton version of Ten Commandments I. - VI. Open to suggestions! VII. Thou shalt not commit adultery. You CAN have adultery committed "on" you. VIII. Thou shalt not steal. Except from taxpayers. IX. Thou shalt not bear false witness. Except if you're a lawyer or a politician. X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, nor his ox, nor anything that is thy neighbour's. Except his wife, his daughter, and his live-in nanny. Clinton favorite TV shows 1. Are You Being Served? 2. Doctor Chu Manchu 3. Errol Flynn Theater 4. Leave It to Beaver 5. Make Room For Daddy 6. Presidential Jeopardy 7. The XXX-Files 8. Touched by an Intern 9. Truth or Consequences Clinton quotes 1. Congratulations! You've just passed your orals. 2. I didn't tell any of those women to lie. I only told them to kneel. 3. I like a woman who knows when to keep her mouth shut. And when to open it. 4. It's not cheatin' if you're eatin'. 5. Open wide. Monica Lewinsky anagrams 1. I can know my lies 2. may lick no swine 3. saw money in lick 4. slick one may win Clinton bumper stickers 1. Aides can give you sex 2. Go ahead make my lay 3. Honk if Bill Clinton says you're rich 4. Honk if you haven't had sex with Bill Clinton 5. I feel your tonsils 6. If she didn't spit, you must acquit 7. It isn't sex unless you smoke a cigarette 8. Monica Lewinsky has a big mouth 9. The Sex Education President 10. The Wicked Witch of the West Wing Clinton movie titles 1. All the President's Members 2. All the President's Women 3. Blowing My Way 4. Blown out of the White House 5. Deep Throat II 6. Dial M For Phone Sex 7. Down and Out in Beverly Hills and Washington DC 8. Executive Privilege 9. Fatal Attraction 10. Forrest Hump 11. Guess Who's Coming After Dinner 12. Liar, Liar 13. Nightmare at 6900 Pennsylvania Avenue: Toothless People 14. Sex, Lies & Audiotapes 15. Shaft 16. 6900 Pennsylvania Avenue 17. Swallow the Leader 18. The First Wives' Club 19. The Fly 20. The French Connection 21. The Johnson Administration 22. The Magnificent Semen 23. The Making of the President 1992-93-94-95-96-97-98 24. The Nine Commandments 25. The Private Life of Bill Clinton 26. Truthless People 27. White House Guys Can't Hump 28. White House Nights Clinton Q & A 1. How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White House with a plane was insane? He seems to have thought Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night. 2. How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House? He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride. 3. How is Bill Clinton a lot like railroad track? He's been laid all over the country. 4. How many presidential aides does it take to change an Oval Office light bulb? One, to give the president a blow job while he changes the bulb. 5. What did President Clinton do with the two Abortion Bills that came across his desk? He paid them. 6. What do you get when you cross a corrupt politician and a lousy lawyer? Chelsea!! 7. What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude? "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes." 8. What does Hillary Clinton do after shaving her pussy in the morning? She puts a suit and tie on him and sends him off to work. 9. What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play? Swallow the leader. 10. What is Bill's definition of safe sex? When Hillary is out of town. 11. What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic? Only 200 women went down on the Titanic. 12. What did Clinton say when Francisco Duran started shooting at the White House? Oh %$@*! Your husband's outside and he's pissed! 13. What will Clinton's defense team be called if he stands trial? The wet dream team. 14. What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin? A girl that can run faster than the Governor. 15. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo? A gigolo can only screw one person at a time. 16. What's yellow, hen-pecked and lays chicks? Bill Clinton 17. When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat? When she didn't swallow everything he presented. 18. When will there be a woman in the White House? When Hillary leaves town. 19. Why are staff cuts so difficult for Clinton? He can't give a woman a pink slip without asking her to try it on first. 20. Why did Bill Clinton cross the road? To meet the chick. 21. Why is Hillary suing Bill for divorce? Because he's doing to everybody what he should only be doing to her. Clinton stories 1. Al and Bill were discussing pre-marital sex. Al asked Bill, "I never slept with my wife before we were married, did you?" Bill replied, "I'm not sure, what was Tipper's maiden name?" 2. Clinton is shaking hands with voters. "Pleased to meet you," says one old man, "I've heard a lot about you." Clinton laughs: "But you can't prove any of it!" 3. At a news conference, a journalist said to the President Clinton, "Fawn Hall said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this." "The truth is," said Bill, "that she has a big mouth." 4. So it's about Bill Clinton's new revelations about his sex life. Seems today he finally admitted that he had sex with Gennifer Flowers a couple of times...but he didn't come. 5. Gennifer Flowers compares her affair with Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky's: "Close, but no cigar." The President's Dictionary emotional relations - n., physical relations lasting more than one day. lewinsky - n., 1. a woman hired to alleviate the build-up of tension in a male executive. 2. the act that such a woman performs; sometimes referred to as earning your kneepads. sex - n., 1. the act commonly referred to as genital sex. 2. the act of procreation. 3. physical but non-emotional intimacy. sexual relations - n., 1. physical relations lasting no more than a day. 2. a one night stand involving sex [defn 1]. vernon - n., employment agency for former members of the president's not-so-secret service. |
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