UPDATED october 2008
I'm Paula from Milton Keynes, Buckinghamshire,UK. I was born 16th december 1966. I thought i'd write this diary ,,, so as my life changes i can update it and look back on my life memories of whats happened.
I'm separated and due to divorce my husband. I live with my 2 gorgeous special children Jay, 17 and Robin, 15. We had 2 very special pets .... Livvy a tame budgie who died on june 18th 2008 (jays birthday) .... Wookey our hamster had to be put to sleep on 14th february valentines day 2008, RIP.
Over the years I have had various jobs , I have been home educating our younger son Robin since January 2005.
I started work at 16 yrs old in Zimmermann Hobbs as a laboratory technician and very swiftly proved myself to become a junior perfumer. This involved matching and creating perfume for soaps, shampoo,fine fragrances, aftershave, candles, infact anything you can think of that contains perfume ! One I matched was rasberry for shampoo sold by the Body Shop UK.
This was where i was first introduced to computers . During this time I did a college course and passed with merit in a B-tech course in maths english science and physics. Just after I achieved a diploma in perfumery. It was a very unusual kind of job and I continued with this for 6.5 yrs.
When i was 21 i got a joint mortgage with my brother and moved out of the family home I worked full time in a laboratory and part time in a restaurant. I changed my car and got the red fiesta i'd always dreamed of having !
After this I worked temporary in restaurants and then for Abbey National cheque account while pregnant with Jay. I did my brothers garage accounts during and after being pregnant with Robin ..........i then went on to be a childminder while the boys were young , up until robins diagnosis.
At 18 yrs old I found out I had a pituitary tumour, it was non-malignant but I needed to go on medication for life at the age of 21. If it wasn't for the medication i'd never been able to have children.
I met my husband John who stayed with my next door neighbour in Two Mile Ash , We moved in together after 2 weeks and was engaged within 6weeks.
In february 1990 I found out I was pregnant with Hannah, we had already booked our wedding for 28th April 1990 .I really thought i couldn't have children due to my pituitary tumour.
On Sunday 15th July 1990 our beautiful daughter Hannah Lucy was born prematurely.... she only weighed 790 gramms and for 4 precious days we got to care for her in the special care baby unit at the hospital.
I accepted Hannah's death on Thursday 19th July 1990,, we returned home empty with memories (which I will treasure forever)
While Hannah was in special care I went to see her all the time, so fragile...... I would put my finger in her tiny hand and she would grab hold as if she knew I was her mummy. Then as I was talking to her she opened her eyes briefly, she didnt do this for anyone else !. It was as if she had to see me before she passed away.... this is a memory I will hold in my heart and mind forever.
We chose the name Hannah before she was born and it means 'A GIFT FROM GOD'.... and this is what she was !...... she came to us for a reason ,but only for a short time, but she wasn't meant to remain on earth with us.... she will forever be in my heart.
In life you have to accept what is given to us .... the good and the bad ... move on with your life.... we all have our paths to follow........
Jay was born June 18th 1991 and he was a huge 9lb 7oz ! Unfortunately this wasn't good as his shoulders got stuck on the way out and it ended up an emergency as he had stopped breathing. It was all a blurr and I only remember them pulling like mad to get him out. I really thought he was dead as no one would tell us anything. He was rushed to special care where he stayed for 2 weeks. He had a 50/50 chance of survival ! I couldn't believe all this was happening 11 mths after Hannah had died ! Luckily he survived and is gorgeous young man !
Robin was born 2nd March 1993 and he was born by a planned c-section (due to the problems with Jay) It all went smoothly until he came out and had to go to special care for a week,,,,,,, but he was ok, it wasn't life threatning this time , thank goodness !
In 1996 our younger son Robin was diagnosed Autistic and I have spent years working my hardest so he can be part of the outside world. This has meant I've lost out on alot especially socialising and friends , but finding the internet filled this void a bit.It meant I could chat to other adults and I have made some friends along the way.It saved my sanity during that time...... my home became a prison and im so glad i came out the otherside. Looking back i can't believed i lived like that.
In the year 2000 John and I went through a bad time in our marriage and I didn't think we would get through this. This was a strange year of me gaining confidence in myself , which i'd never had before that. We both suffered during this time and I ended up going into a deep depression in autumn 2001. I then started suffering from panic attacks and bad anxiety again after years of being ok. 2005/2006 I did my utmost to find information to be rid of it for good. My life has changed round and im in control of it and can go out and go anywhere i want.
In December 2004 I made a decision to remove Robin from school due to his increasing stress that was caused through going to school. I had to make it work and have spent 3 yrs now teaching him. It's a great pressure on me to be in charge of his full time education. I try to enjoy the good days and ride out the bad ones.
Robins confidence and self esteem is excellent and he doesn't get as stressed as he did before.It has been such a turn around and its been worth all the hard work I've put in.
June 11th 2006 my mum had to have a major operation and this was such a worrying time. I gave full support and she came to stay with us afterwards to recover. I enjoyed this time to have mother/daughter time together.
April 2007, John and I had major marriage problems again.........which i knew would bring us to the end of our time together.
June 9th 2007 my mum had to have an operation for breast cancer and had radiation therapy in Aug/sep 2007. She amazes me how she copes with it all , shes such a strong person and I admire her so much for this! Shes given me strength and supported me through my separation.
5th July 2007.....john moved out and we separated ....
1st September 2007.. john came to see me on a night out to tell me he wanted a divorce 'NOW'..i was calm about it all and said ok fine. BY october we started to see each other again and was staying here 3/4 nights a week ! I thought he wanted to make it all work ,....why wouldn't i ? or why would he bother with the effort he was making ? MORE fool me ! I went to his cousins funeral in november with him and pretended to his family we were still together as he'd not told them yet ! ...we spent christmas together and then ........ after boxing day he started to push me away ....... then after a chat he said he didn't want me to think it was more than what it was and he'd only used me for sex ......... since then its been a bunch of stupid silly childish games to get back at me
...... john didn't fill in the divorce petition and when i asked he said he'd been too busy. Then he decided in June to stop paying me any mortgage at all and emailed me to say i'd now have to sell the house ! .... oh so the trick is to make me skint to sell the house before the divorce goes through .....which of course didn't happen !
25th may I had an asthma attack and ended up in hospital , john came to pick me up and we had a cuddle and saw each other later in the day ... then the next day i got ignored ! I got on with things and vowed not to meet him again as all it did was mess my head up. So 2 months went by and i was getting really well , went out with mates had a laugh ..... wasn't bothered about dating or seeing anyone,.... just wanted to have time to be 'me' and have time to heal.
July 2008 ...... a year after separating ,,,, because john stopped the mortgage i got into debt with the mortgage and asked to pay interest only ...... john butted in and got the forms and then one day rang me to say he had the forms and would only give them to me face to face ........ which i stupidy agreed to .... when i did he passed the forms to me and started crying .......then he reved the car to drive off and i ran away from the car ........ you'd think that was it ? nope ! he started to text me then ........then one night he text me and was drunk ..... ended up meeting and he took and paid for a hotel for us !!! his words in text were' need a cuddle darling' ,,,,,,he knew calling me darling would get to me ! the next night he text to see if i was ok and he was drunk again ,,, we met and went up campbell park ,,, walked arm in carm , paddled in the fountain ........ then he started to push me away again !!! I knew why.......it was all to do with other women ,,,,,,no attention meant he'd go for his 2nd best ,,,,,, and thats all i was ! i realise that now and i didn't want to coz it hurt to much.
AUGUST 9th ..... john crashes his brothers car into a lamp post while out with jay and robin ,,,,,,,,, wet road driving stupidly .... robin said he'd told him to slow down twice and he didn't. Robin called me and i went to them ,,,,,,,, then that evening john told me face to face he was still in love with me but couldn't move back in .... i felt his head was messed up and he needed time.NO he needed a kick up the backside coz all he did was come over get what he wanted and pushed me away inbetween . YES and i let him ? why ? because in my head this was the very last chance and i had to do that if i was to move forward ........ even though i had to get over the hurt again ...... so its now october 2008and robin is having to see a psychiatrist over the accident ... he went really weird soon after accident and they think its a post traumatic stress thing . He was in similar accident with his dad and brother 8 years ago so he feels that his dad is trying to kill him . Alot of other issues to about not seeing him enough which i won't go into in detail here.
So thats where i'm at now ... oh except for the phone call monday night......i tell him robin wants to see him more and he doesn't like his new job coz he goes away so much and not enough seeing him or contact ....... and what does he say ? ....... that robin wants him to be a hermit and he won't end up like i did for years doing that !!!!! HOW DARE HE he throw that at me ! yes i lost out on seeing people was stuck in the house alot because of how robin was .........he obviously took that all forgranted or wouldn't be saying that to me right now ! im disgusted at his attitude to all my hard work and how i was affected ........but is this another game to get back at me ? probably yes as his games are running out and my divorce petition is with the solicitor getting sorted out ,.,,,,,,,,i need it to be final i need closure.
Its time for my life to move on , i will never forget the memories as its how i got to where i am now. I will embrace the future and continue to support our 2 children who are and will always be precious. Hopefully in time when the divorce is over and things settle down John and I can be more amicable .......i don't think we could ever be friends after all this which is a shame..... after so long together it would have been nice to have had something left out of it. Somethings are not meant to be though ........ life goes on .......
To all those that are reading this and have been part of my life.. thank you for all the memories past present and future ...... they will be treasured deep in my heart forever.
|
| Things I've learnt in life ! |
1/Give love with all your heart, if you don't get it back be happy it grew in your heart
2/Treasure your memories,,, no one can take them away from you !
3/You can't always have what you want !!!
4/Life is full of challenges,its also an adventure.....
5/People can be cruel and heartless
6/Seek happiness each day even if its to listen to the birds or enjoy a nice sunny day
7/Theres always someone worse off than yourself !
8/Take fish oil supplements.....
9/Listen to others and be kind, you never know you could make a friend who's there for you when you need to talk
10/YOU ONLY HAVE ONE LIFE....... don't be ruled by what others think you should do or say !.... or your not living your life for you !
11/Be open minded........you will learn more
12/Be understanding.....
13/Love is all around you ,you just have to open your heart and soul to see it !
14/Be yourself, don't pretend to be anyone else... true colours always show over time
15/sometimes life isn't fair....
16/Never ever take love for granted ....
17/Have you ever looked into someones eyes and seen right to their soul ?
18/I'm not perfect or ever will be...sometimes I make mistakes, sometimes I get cross...sometimes I'm selfish....Sometimes I cry, even when I don't want to !
19/Sometimes there isn't a right and a wrong, you just have to accept whats happened has happened. The past is the past, what matters is the present.
20/The most important possession you will have in your life will not be money,clothes or the latest gadget, it will be LOVE !
21/Sometimes you have to let people go.......enough said !
|
|
|
){kind=small}
