LAWYERS Shark Attack Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy. 747 Full of Lawyers Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met. A Few Good Lawyers A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?" A Lawyer and A Politician What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician? Chelsea Clinton An Honest Lawyer What do you call an honest lawyer? An oxymoron. Bad Lawyer Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad? A: Senator. Beautiful? There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!” Blind Bunny, Meet Blind Snake One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see." "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?" "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out." So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!" Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?" And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?" So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer." An Honest Lawyer What do you call an honest lawyer? An oxymoron. Bad Lawyer Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad? A: Senator. Buried Lawyers Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. Burried 10 Feet Under Why are lawyers buried 10 feet underground? Because deep down, they're really not that bad! C'mere Pig What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a pig? Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do! Marriage Jokes Nowdays 80% of women are against marriage as they have wisend to the fact that for 200 grams of sausage i'ts not worth buying the entire pig!. An angel First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're real lucky, mine's still alive." Anniversary I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go on our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?" Cost for marrige A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it." "FREE MAN" At a silver wedding anniversary, the husband was standing in one corner looking very sad. "What's the matter?" asked his friend. "Well, a week after marriage, I got fed up and wanted to kill my wife, but my lawyer said that I would get 25 years imprisonment. Now I realize that today I would have been a free man." Yeams Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent. Happiest hour During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband, "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied : "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life." Hold hands We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. Honey This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say to his wife pass the sugar, Honey. and pass the honey, Sugar. Inspired by this, the next morning at breakfast with his wife, he says to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig". In Love After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, You know, I was a fool when I married you. And the husband replied, Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it. "LOST WIFE" The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I have lost my wife here in this supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" the woman asked. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere." Marriage 3-ring Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.! Your mother A husband said to his wife, "Your mother has been living with us for 5 years now. Isn't it time she got herself her own apartment?" "My mother?" said the shocked wife, "I thought she was your mother." What's Marriage Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. I know nothing about sex, because I was always married. What is a Marriage ?????? Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. Marriage is grand and divorce is about 10 grand. Socrates "Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence. Woman without man It all depends on your perspective ... An English professor wrote the words "woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed her students to punctuate it correctly. The male students wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The female students wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing." Wife three qualities When a bachelor marries, his wife has three qualities she is aneconomist in the kitchen, an aristocrat in the living room and a devil in bed. After a few years, sure enough the three qualities remain, but not in the same order she is an aristocrat in the kitchen, a devil in the living room and an economist in bed. Shut up If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in! The Loving Wife A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "He said you're going to die," she replied. sex life "Our sex life has really improved since my wife and I got separate beds." "How's that possible?" "Well, we have them in different apartments." My wife's an angel First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." Million dollars Jack’s grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him. After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men’s names! Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her. Diane, he said, the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died" "Don’t be ridiculous, she replied, I don’t care who gave you the money!" Brain Husband : U know dear, our son got his brain from me. Wife : I think he did, I've still got mine with me! My Money A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here." Water How do you spell Hard Water with 3 letters? ICE! Three reasons TEACHER :Give me three reasons why the world is round ? Pupil : Well my dad says so, my mum says so and you say so ! History Why does history keep repeating itself? Because we weren't listening the first time! Time Do you know the time ? No, we haven't met yet ! Study Why did the child study in the aeroplane ? He wanted a higher education ! Morning Teacher: Class, we will have only half days school this morning. Class: Hooray Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon.....