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| For those new arrivals to Toronto (otherwise known as the world class city wannabe) who, when first confronted by the essentially incommunicative nature of the Toronto WASPs, go through a successive gamut of emotions, starting with surprise, then irritation, and eventually ending in frustration and anger (for such an experience makes them feel, rightly or wrongly, rejected) here are a few suggestions on how to deal with this somewhat perplexing and disagreeable phenomenon. Making an initial contact with a Toronto WASP must be unquestionably the number one step in taming him. But one can't, obviously, make such a contact without first approaching a subject. Yet, this usually proves to be a rather difficult task in itself, since the average Toronto WASP doesn't like strangers, especially ones trying to get too close for his liking to him. As a result he can be easily scared away, i.e. he will do his darnest to avoid any proximity whatsoever with the stranger, even at the expense of appearing openly and sometimes extremely rude. And so, keeping this in mind, the best thing to do when spotting a Toronto WASP is to remain motionless and wait. Hopefully, he will get used to your presence and, after concluding that you do not pose any immediate danger, eventually approach you himself. In taking such a bold first step he is probably motivated by natural curiosity, for even WASPs must possess it, being a part of the animal world in general and the human race in particular, though they rarely display it overtly and almost never ask any questions, unless they are personal (which is an entirely different matter as we shall see later) evidently considering it to be a sign of weakness. And nothing is more abhorrent to a WASP than to appear weak and not in full control of himself in any given situation. When finally making contact with you a Toronto WASP usually displays a more or less convincing (depending on his skills as a social actor) friendly smile, showing as many teeth as possible without causing any permanent damage to his face. Do not be easily deceived by this. It is neither friendly nor smile. It is just a protective mask used specifically for such occasions. And it simply means that he still doesn't trust you and would rather have nothing to do with you, but has to accept his fate stoically, lest be accused of being impolite. Then follows a ritual exchange of meaningless "how are you", "fine", "nice weather, eh" and couple more equally trivial phrases. Now, this is a very important, even crucial moment. Under no circumstances try to put any meaning in this short encounter. If you do, you lose him just when you think everything is going well. The WASP shuts like a clam and starts to move sideways like a crab. Believe me, I've seen it many times - a clam and a crab in one body. Now, one thing you have to know about a Toronto WASP is - he doesn't like conversation, it is not in his nature. When forced by circumstances he may stoically (but visibly impatiently) endure some more or less meaningless chat. But anything even remotely serious he finds absolutely unbearable. And if you are a kind and compassionate person you shouldn't press him to do so. For it is like forcing chickens to fly. They just can't. They may look like the real flying birds with all these beaks, feathers and wings, but they are not. Some times in the past they probably could fly like any other normal birds but it was such a long, long time ago that it is hard to believe in it now. And so, I'm sure, it is with the WASPs. For in the past they must have been able to converse since they have all the necessary apparatus for that. But somehow, through the centuries of evolution, they probably had lost this ability and only God knows when, why and how. Now, coming back to step one - the first encounter - if you are lucky enough and manage to avoid all those initial pitfalls (like being serious or, god forbid, even mildly controversial, which is another no-no to a Toronto WASP) you can proceed to the next stage and start actually talking to each other. Very soon, however, you realize that it is you who is doing almost all the talking by answering seemingly endless numbers of questions , which, if put together on paper would bear very close resemblance to a rather elaborate job application form. At the beginning you are, naturally, flattered that some stranger has so much interest in you. Until at some point it dawns on you that he doesn't so much want to know about you as wishes, primarily, to avoid saying anything either about himself or just about anything else for that matter. But, as long as you are willing to be, for a lack of a better word, interrogated, such a "conversation" can go on and on, until you, either by accident or intentionally, try "to turn the tables" and begin to ask him the questions. The response is as immediate as it is unequivocal - the clam shuts and the crab moves sideways. There are, of course those rare occasions when it's physically impossible for a WASP to get away from you. For example, let's suppose that both of you are in a moving car on a busy highway, or, take another example, in a high-rise elevator stuck between the floors (fortunately for a WASP there aren't too many similar examples of such an extreme sort one can come up with). And let us also suppose that you are completely oblivious of his desperate situation (impossibility of escape), cruel and insensitive person as you are (but what else one can expect from all these uncouth newcomers?) Naturally, you keep insisting, subconsciously of course, on continuing the conversation, disregarding all those silent messages the WASPs are, supposedly, so good at , but which are absolutely incomprehensible to the rest of us. So, what does a Toronto WASP do in such a hopeless situation? He suddenly becomes deaf and mute. At the beginning, while still talking, you don't pay much attention to it. But very soon you discover that a WASP doesn't hear you. His face, not very expressive under normal circumstances, freezes in a kind of blank and silent mask. He becomes almost motionless and sometimes it goes on for such a long time that you start to wander if he is still alive. One of the surest ways, it seems, to lure a WASP into conversation is to use food as a bait. Apparently, the simple wish to talk to another human being could not be considered by a WASP as a sufficient reason to meet him, unless some kind of eating is involved. Hence, the popularity of such an expression as "Let's have lunch together" which is just another, more attractive, I suppose, way of saying "Let's meet and talk". Of course, one should never underestimate the almost limitless ability of a WASP to find yet another way of escaping undesirable dialogue. Even food could be used by him as a means to this end, since having one's mouth filled with food is a perfect excuse for not saying anything. As, for instance, at parties, when there is a real danger of being drawn into conversation, WASPs usually carry around a plate of food, always ready, when threatened by somebody who wants to talk, to start eating in order to render themselves instantly incapable of responding. Now, if you are still waiting to find out how to tame a Toronto WASP, I'm afraid I'll have to disappoint you. I don't know myself. I've tried many different ways to do it but invariably without any tangible success. My personal conclusion is that Toronto WASP as a species is too evasive to be tamed. Moreover, I strongly believe, not only on the basis of my own experience but also of those in a similar situation as mine who shared their feelings with me, that the Toronto WASPs in general consider themselves to be much smarter than the newcomers to waste their valuable time on talking to us. P.S. Of course, one may say that not all Toronto WASPs are the same. Perhaps it is true, but they sure try very hard to conceal their differences and, at least outwardly, are very successful in doing so. |
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