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| The Second Greatest Story Ever Told |
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| by Matt and Mike |
There was a guy who was finger painting with rocks, and a powdered donut forced itself into his hair and made him look like he was Dick Van Dike. But this Guy did not want to look like Dick Van Dyke so he immediately tried to comb it out using olive oil and a large green dog, upon combing the Residue out of his hair, a rather large and evil looking cat approached the scene and proceeded to hum the national anthem, but just as he was about to finish he was run over by a moving truck driven by two livers. How does a liver drive a truck you ask? Well very carefully of course. The livers in the truck were failing. So they called the artist formerly known as Prince, He gave them some Uranium. Then they blew up. So Howedge contacted the pony express and sent a message to... Howedge acting sheerly on instinct alone immediately sent the message to the enchanter known as Tim (from Monty Python and the Holy Grail) and he blew up the message with fire and then moved on to more pressing subjects such as "the Assassination of JFK or The Russian Probe known only as Sputnik" which both of these seemed to be way to menial to deal with so he sent them down to his secretary who also happened to be Calvin (from Calvin and Hobbes) and he proceeded to... Pick up all of the sunflower seeds off the ground with a 2x4 handed down from 7 generations of the Howedge family. So Howedge is actually Howedge the VIII. He then went on to plant those seeds and they grew into sunflowers with the faith of a mustard seed. So much so, that Moses left the ark. And after Zacheus killed Goliath with the sling and the stone, they were stuck on the island because Gillagan kept messing everything up. So after Job wrote the book of Corinthians with his buddy Batman, who is really just a hand puppet for Alfred...... Now the Creature (from Revelation, you know the one that looked like an eagle with wings and eyes covering it from top to bottom even under the wing) became so confused by these happenings that He smashed Batman and his Puppeteer friend Alfred. (Hey Batman is weak anyway, what kind of superhero has no powers just a belt) And this smashing was so hard that it shook The earth from Toledo to the very large cow-Human-that-feasts-only-on-roast-Bananas-and-those-neat-little-drinks-with-the-little-Umbrella-in-them. The earth quake angered the cow so much that he decided to become a chicken and with that a vegetarian, which made no sense to the overlooking sloth who then went and watched cartoons at Billy's house. So Billy decide to go over to Howedge VIII who is not in a very good mood because his Grandma just Vacuumed the floor destroying Howedge VIII 's Cauliflower collection, which also seemed to contain the key to the Human existence as we know it. Billy finally noticed the sloth sitting behind him. He didn't like that he was doing that. So he decided to curl his hand into a fist and sling it backwards a scorching 6.13 MPH to hit the sloth's face. He missed. His blazingly fast hand flew past the sloth and landed in the peaches, that come in a can, that were put there by a man, in a factory downtown. The sloth was enraged at the attempt of Billy, and slurped Billy, because he saw the opportunity. How did he slurp him? That's impossible you say. Not if you have a very large straw. And it turns out that the chicken, who is formerly known as the very large cow-Human-that-feasts-only-on-roast-Bananas-and-those-neat-little-drinks-with-the-little-Umbrella-in-them ate some of the cauliflower that was vacuumed, and Dr. Reynolds Wrap, whose nick name is Hippo-man-rubber-faced-lawn-mower-punk-who's-so-dumb-he's-smart-cuz-his-head's-the-size-of-those-cool-little-guitar-thingies-that-you-buy-in-Mexico-that-have-inspired-millions-to-write-songs-about-Texas-including-Matt-and-Josh, was able to go inside and get some of it out to study Human Existence as we know it. That got real boring, real light-speed-like. After Howedge VIII found his English to Pig-latin hand book, hidden in the toilet... He decided that he would like to take a swim in a large vat of scalding kool-aid, so he took a dive and when he did found the theory of relativity to be completely true. At the same time as this a girl appeared on the scene and saw Howedge swimming in the Scalding Kool-aid and thought "Boy, that whale is really dumb, Speaking of Dumb I think the Tick is also Dumb So dumb is the Tick I think that I will tell matt." She proceeded from there to tell Matt who was at church that the Tick was Dumb and in the Instant she Was ERASED. Matt Laughed Menacingly and threw the story Back to Howedge who at this time had Finished swimming, then Did some Jumping jacks in a field of yellow flowers while throwing candy to the children in the stands, After this Billy (Who is still out for revenge) attempted to Hit Howedge with a baseball bat but missed and coincidentally hit the broad side of a barn. Creating..... A nuclear reaction in which a neutron traveling at a medium fast speed and hit a uranium isotope and split it in two creating two new elements that were suddenly ERASED and caused Billy to go inside the broken broad side of the barn which had a Nintendo 64 which was owned by the chicken who was a good sharer of his Nintendo and they decided to go to Blockbuster and rent the video game "WCW Revenge" to give Billy his fill of revenge. Enter the Tick. He bravely edged his uncovered body up the Sears tower to the top and yelled, "I AM NOT DUMB! YOU MEAN PEOPLE!!! ONE DAY YOU SHALL ALL BE ERASED". Howedge slowly began pondering about Abraham Lincoln and his way of life. Which brought him to the thought of : Why do they put little babies on toilet paper packaging? Why not teenagers? So Howedge thought of his evil ploy for people to bye toilet paper. It included multi-million dollar commercials with one of those little refrigerators that you have to open with a key, and with a couple who made chicken. They're names were: Sam an' Ella............. Howedge who is now completely immersed in a sea of thinkings and ponderings on what to do for the Toilet paper ads, so immersed he was that he hardly noticed the lead singer from Skillet sneaking up behind him, but come to think of it the lead singer from skillet doesn't know that he is sneaking up on Howedge. So what happens next is a very mystifying and all together amazing turn of events. Suddenly a light pole hits the lead singer from Skillet in the Larynx and the Baby grand piano that was going to be dropped on daffy duck was misplaced and is at this moment hurtling rapidly somewhere atop Howedge's head. All this to say that Billy just got Hospitalized for five years because the full effect of the sloth's slurping finally set in. And as far as the couple who made chicken; Sam and Ella, they decide they should purchase a steam roller for helping out in their chicken making. The sloth (the one that slurped Billy) is now laughing hysterically at the raucous hilarity of the whole scene and decides to become business partners with Howedge once his uncle 'Slim' sells the farm. And the steam roller that Sam and Ella just purchased which is being delivered by The Tick is suddenly thrown out of control by the sight of a miniscule emu, so scared is the Steam roller that it runs over the 'girl-who-called-The-Tick-Dumb-who-was-already-ERASED-but-the-author-of-the-story-wanted-to-bring-her-back-just-for-this-part-of-the-story'. The steam roller also crushes many building as it careens out of control in the city of New York, most unimportantly the Steam roller crushes the broad side of the barn where they were still playing "WCW Revenge" for N64..... Since they were still in the barn, (actually, it was just the chicken cuz Billy was playing Nintendo when all of the sudden he said, "Hey wait a second!! I got slurped by a sloth!! I should be in the hospital!!" So that's how billy ended up in the hospital. For five years) the chicken heard a strange noise. He thought it could be the guy who looked like Dick Van Dike, but he looked outside and saw a hideous scene. A steam roller with all sorts of residue from the things it ran over! It was coming right at him!!!..... Meanwhile billy was in the hospital thinking of happier times. He started a conversation with Louis, his right ring finger. "Remember the good old days? Like that time that powdered donut flew into my hair. It made me look like Dick Van Dike....". He went on to tell his finger not to tell anyone that he was the guy who looked like Dick van Dike. And to this day, no one knows... The sloth went to jail for his deed and slurped everyone there also cuz they forgot to take away his straw. Oh well. Sam and Ella got married and moved to Fiji to pursue their cooking careers. They just left the steamroller where it was and tried to forget about it. It kept careening though. So the lead singer from Skillet was out looking for the Creature that somehow left the story to ask him where he had been after he had done the earth-shaking smashing..... Once the Lead singer from Skillet had found the creature that had created all the shaking of the earth suddenly left the scene because he felt nauseas and you know that means when this happens. Someone's gonna PUKE, which is what the Cow-Human turned Vegetarian chicken did upon seeing the mayhem the steamroller had created. After the Vegetarian Chicken was done PUKING he went over to the all-together nameless boy (who for the Record shall be called Steven). Then the Chicken asked Steven how old the capital of New Guinea is and when Steven is unable to answer the boy is suddenly thrown to the ground which creates a huge interstellar file folder with which you can travel between tiem and files, so as Steven is busy traversing between files and triple layer chocolate cake, Billy is still conversing with his all to close companion known also as Louis who thinks that the end of the world has already happened and that He is the Lindenbergh Baby (which is proven to be false) When Howedge suddenly comes through the door but he is actually the sloth in Disguise and yells "Good Riddance My Good Man" and is ushered swiftly back to Jail. Which is very helpful to Lewis and Clark who at this time are still mapping out the southern regions of the planet 'Utopiter' (named partially after Jupiter and Partially after Utopia), But even the Immortal duo are not so Immortal because they are suddenly engulfed by the Abdominal snow man, and is the thrust into the Sea of eternal peril. This Abdominal snow man, made up of completely of frozen stomach muscles, digests the Immortal duo, which totally ERASES them, very much contradicting their name, and Stephen goes to the store with fading-in-and-out-girl, who calls Mr. Magoo, hence her name. "Good Riddance My Good Man" becomes the most popular phrase in America, until Larry King got a call from Louis (not to be confused with Lewis) saying that you can't say that phrase because it is a double positive, which made Larry PUKE and question the exactitude of this information, but he just figured, "hey, Abraham Lincoln would have agreed". So Larry called Bill Clinton, and invited Bill to his show, because Bill and the Senate passed a law prohibiting anyone to say "Good Riddance My Good Man". And together they announced this information on The Larry King Show. Ralph watched the show in pure joy. It turns out the triple layer cake is edible. The lead singer of skillet is very jealous that he wasn't the Lindenburgh Baby, so he yells at Okra, Oprah's front yard oak tree. Much this to say, Howedge silently waits for the jail guard to fall asleep so he can do his mime impersonation in private, as he begins to think, "hey, what in the world am I doing in jail?" So he shoobie-doos, (to wake up the guard of course) and tells the guard he shouldn't be in jail. The guard suddenly realizes the whole situation, and realizes that he had Howedge mathematically confused with O.J. Simpson, or maybe it was Gilbert O'Sullivan, and says, "I just realized that I got you mathematically confused with O.J. Simpson, or maybe it was Gilbert O'Sullivan!! You can leave if you want." But Howedge decides to stay and PUKE. The careening steam roller is adopted by a nice family of bulldozers which makes him PUKE... And as suddenly as it started the family of bulldozers is put into work in Socialist Cuba and the careening Steamroller is so angry at this that he goes straight from just Puking to BARFING-UP-HIS-GUTS. Which happens to be found very humorous by the fading in and out girl who finds "Steven" somewhat hardly attractive and at the same time attrocioususly hideous and so they Get married and have 3 children named "einie, meiny and moe" who all grow up to be incredible Garbage men in the workforce of Spain. And at the same time the Abdominal snowman is busy eating beef jerky that was made with a Ronco Food Dehydrator and he is at the same time using and ABroller to work out his Abdominal muscles, and also by this time Billy is out of the Hospital and has become the most vile super villain and is causing mass hysteria in the east-southerly regions of the lower Rockies causing the Lead singer from skillet to make the song that is called "Invincible" so that people would think that he is invincible, but we all know that this is false because..... When he made that song, he was pretending to be Dental Floss Man. So he proceeded to get his pie-mode-mixture-of-plausible-kieser-buns-that-leak-Mexican-Bean-Beatles-who-speak-fluent-German-with-a-hint-of-a-Japanese-accent-because-they-ate-plenty-of-gunships-from-the-Gestapo, which were of course in his pocket and gave him a brain rush, to write the song. That is why he is not invincible, because Dental Floss man isn't invincible, just like Alfred. The Abdominal snow man broke his Ab roller because his deal fell on it. So he sold his Ronco Food Dehydrator to the sloth, for $5876 (they don't make that model that he had any more) because the world was set to Monopoly mode, and trading and selling were allowed from jail. After He-Man ate "Stephan", Billy reveals his identity to Jahlipo, because Billy claims "he is the only one who understands". Sam and Ella are slowly dying from Salmonella, because the Fijites holed up the yolk bomber. The cat that got ran over was discovered on Boulevard Blvd. right near the creatures house. Meanwhile, after Billy killed all the people in the rocky mountains, he rebuilds his second identity as a guy who drives people all over the world in his "motor coach" in which he placed a death ray in the transmission (only immune to him), so that when he changes gears without using the clutch, it goes "KKKHCCkkcggkkcchhk, kkhcgKK", and that releases the death ray. Everyone thinks it's funny till they die. The author of this story forgot that Howedge wasn't really in jail, it was the sloth. So in light of what happened with that whole situation, the sloth decided to take up the guard's offer, since the guard was confused with Gilbert O'Sullivan. The Sloth wanted to join forces with Billy and the creature, so first he went to the creature's house, which happened to be the day Gary Kean was over there witnessing to the creature. At the time the sloth walked inside, Gary was showing the creature the song "This Is How We Overcome". They were spinning around while jogging in place, and when the sloth saw this, his hindmost bit of anger was aroused and he put his fastuous straw holder on his face, the one that he inherited from his mother's cousin's niece's brother's grandpa's sister, at the fastigium of her frenzy of earmark phobia, and the sloth got his really big straw and tried to slurp the two of them. But he slurped so grown-up like, that he ended up slurping himself. And Gary and the creature, along with the Spanish Garbage colegium, beat him with hairy empirical formulas. The sloth is no more. Jahlipo tells the whole world about Billy's deal with the Dick Van Dike thing. They didn't give a hooting nanny. They did the whole raggamarole of pelting him with rocks and garbage. The last thing he said before he was ran over by the wonky steamroller, was "OOCHEE KOOCHEE!!!" So the heat pipe disappeared. Howedge VIII was set free in the ocean by Batman, so he is in there with all the neon Giblets. He is happy there. Billy hooked up his "motor coach" death ray to the earth with his mock turtle soup sandwich. So when he would use it, it would kill everyone. But, the tick, after ERASING all the mean people with his linstock, saw Billy's evil plan and said "hey there mister!! you can't do that!!!". Gary said it too. Then they all went to the chicken's house to spend the the night, and play near the inglenook. Everyone lived a long time before they died. How long? You have to enumerate the years by empurpling yourself. And Ricky did get his pichiciego back. THE END |
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