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| Top 10 Signs Your Being Stalked By Martha Stewert |
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| 10. You get a threatening note made up of letters out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows. 9. That telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl. 8. On her show, she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door. 7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal and saffron demi-glace, with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce. 6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom. 5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan. 4. No matter where you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork. 3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying. 2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice. 1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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