10. You get a threatening note made up of letters out of a magazine with
pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and
precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
9. That telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
8. On her show, she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like
your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout and the
stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose
petal and saffron demi-glace, with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a
delicate mint-fennel sauce.
6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave
the bathroom.
5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded
into a swan.
4. No matter where you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster
fork.
3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in
every orifice.
1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your
temple.
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